Another poem critique please?

[Elle]

Wow, REALLY good poem! It's a really good idea; I especially like how you're asking the reader questions (did you feel it?, did you hear them?, did you? etc) - although I just noticed you repeated "Did you feel it?". It might be better if you came up with a different question to swap with either of them.

Also I think it would have more effect, be more "moving" if the lines were shorter. But that's just my opinion.

Great work, you should send this off somewhere to be published in a writers' magazine or something.

 

[secrecy456]

Okay I have another poem I would like some feedback on. Just give me your honest opinion.

People's Temple

Did you hear them?
Their voices rising to the sky in praise as they worshiped.
Laughter radiating from their bodies as they congregated with one another.
Melodies pouring from their mouths as they sang in joy.
Prayers flying through the sky as they rested at night.
The manipulative voice as it brainwashed the innocence within the people

Did you see them?
The way the children ran across the green grass.
Their smiles lighting up the sky.
People relaxing as the peaceful breeze assaulted their senses.
Bodies moving to the smooth rhythm of the music as it collided with the sky.
Crazed eyes glazed over in submission as they smiled with welcome.

Did you feel it?
Serenity falling from the sky, encasing the hearts of the people.
Joy growing through the dark jungle, tangling through the vines.
The pull of conformity as it latched around their throats.
A cold darkness seeping into them as they obeyed their false god.
Chains wrapped around their bodies forcing them into the promise land.

Did you hear them?
Their agonizing pleas as they begged for mercy.
Blood rushing through their bodies causing their hearts to pound uncontrollably.
Children screaming, cutting the sky with their cries.
One man's voice calmly comforting the people through the darkness.
Voices raised in prayer.

Did you see them?
Their lifeless forms covering the beautiful ground.
Eyes vacant staring into the clear sky.
Children frozen in time, their innocence stolen from them.
Spilled souls as they washed across the ground.
Dried tears caked onto empty faces.

Did you feel it?
The calming darkness as it washed across the sky.
The still air that sits on top of the empty land.
Restless souls as they cried out in anger.
Hopelessness as the families tried to pick themselves back up.
Seductive evil as it bubbled from the ground.

Did you?