SpiritWOLF
New member
for critique??!!? My father walked over to where I was seated and he put his arm around me and softly whispered in my ear, “Everything will be alright Char-char, stop crying, everything will be okay.”
I glanced upward into his soft brown eyes and saw that he too, was crying. I bowed my head back down towards my plate unable to see him in such an emotional state. I did my best to gather myself and wiped the tears away with my sleeve although they continued to pour involuntarily.
He took my plate which had barely been touched. The salmon and vegetables lay cold upon the plate although the faint trickle of its aroma still lingered within my nostrils. He rinsed the plate with hot water and then walked over to the fridge.
“I have some,” said father bending over into the refrigerator. “I think I have some chocolate cake here somewhere---ah---yes!”
He pulled out a half-eaten chocolate devil cake which sat on a crystal plate wrapped in seram wrap.
“Now, he said smiling. “I know you cannot resist chocolate—devil—cake, now can you char-char?”
He let the words flow out of his mouth in an exaggerated manner, lifting the cake up towards his nose, smelling its contents in humorous seduction.
I wiped my eyes and I could not help but smile. I stifled a laugh but it escaped through excessive giggling. I did love chocolate devil cake.
“Can I have some ice cream too?” I said quietly.
He put the cake down on the counter next to me, walked over, taking my hand in his and said, “You can have—anything—you want.”
I embraced with as much love and warmth as I could possibly give. He kissed me on top of my head as I let the warmth of his body ease my shaking.
Later that night while the cool ocean breeze swept through my window, my father and I sat on my bed cuddling with love only a father and daughter could share. This special bonding I would come to cherish above all else. When I was locked in his embrace I felt as if the weight of the world was suddenly lifted off of my shoulders. I loved my father so very much.
I lay my head against his shoulder and opened my notebook, “I wrote a poem today when I was down at the docks by the beach,” I said in a soft voice flipping through the pages.
“Is that so,” asked father eyebrows raised and massaging my scalp. “I would love to read it.”
I smiled, glancing into his eyes; his entire face glowed from the illumination conceived by the lamp shade that sat atop my bedside table. I continued flipping through the pages until I found the poem I had written. I smiled once more.
“Okay,” I said shifting underneath the covers. “Are you ready?”
“Of course, baby.”
The page read:
The sun burned into spitting ashes
Laying upon the deep blue ocean
My eyes cast a downward glance
Dark shadows cried upon my lap
I knew you had to leave me
But why did you have to take
My tears with you, tears that could
Have been saved by being honesty
“The sun burned into spitting ashes, laying upon the deep blue ocean,” I slowly read sniffling back tears left over from dinner.
I continued, “My eyes cast a downward glance, dark shadows cried upon my lap, I knew you had to leave me, but why did you have to take my tears with you.”
At those words my father held me even tighter.
“Tears that could have been saved,” I paused, letting the words hang in the air for a bit before continuing once more. “By being honest.”
I slowly closed my eyes and closed the journal. I took a deep breathe and gazed upward into father’s eyes. He was crying.
“That was---“said father choking back sobs. “That was beautiful.”
“Thank you,” I said with a whisper, staring down at my lap.
I shifted underneath my covers once more until my entire body was leaning against his. He leaned over and turned off the bedside light covering me with his arms, shielding me from the rest of the world.
The ocean waves lapped against the quiet shores while the light from the stars and the moon shone through my blinds and upon my face. I relaxed while his chest rose and fell against my shoulder; his breathing was soft like a petal drifting through the wind.
My gaze never left the whitened spectacle of the sky, with all of her radiance and pride while her stars surrounded her with loving adoration.
My eyelids began to heavy, and I leaned against my father’s body grateful for his comfort, then I slept long and hard, still dreaming of the wonders of the ocean.
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I am trying to make the characters as believable as possible. Some of this actually happened in my own life. The girl is based off my own girlfriend of now , her names Charlene and she has similiar characteristics. The mother is actually, well was, how my mother treated me same situation, the father loves to cook as does mine but most of what he says is basically my standpoint on life and perspective. But he i
I glanced upward into his soft brown eyes and saw that he too, was crying. I bowed my head back down towards my plate unable to see him in such an emotional state. I did my best to gather myself and wiped the tears away with my sleeve although they continued to pour involuntarily.
He took my plate which had barely been touched. The salmon and vegetables lay cold upon the plate although the faint trickle of its aroma still lingered within my nostrils. He rinsed the plate with hot water and then walked over to the fridge.
“I have some,” said father bending over into the refrigerator. “I think I have some chocolate cake here somewhere---ah---yes!”
He pulled out a half-eaten chocolate devil cake which sat on a crystal plate wrapped in seram wrap.
“Now, he said smiling. “I know you cannot resist chocolate—devil—cake, now can you char-char?”
He let the words flow out of his mouth in an exaggerated manner, lifting the cake up towards his nose, smelling its contents in humorous seduction.
I wiped my eyes and I could not help but smile. I stifled a laugh but it escaped through excessive giggling. I did love chocolate devil cake.
“Can I have some ice cream too?” I said quietly.
He put the cake down on the counter next to me, walked over, taking my hand in his and said, “You can have—anything—you want.”
I embraced with as much love and warmth as I could possibly give. He kissed me on top of my head as I let the warmth of his body ease my shaking.
Later that night while the cool ocean breeze swept through my window, my father and I sat on my bed cuddling with love only a father and daughter could share. This special bonding I would come to cherish above all else. When I was locked in his embrace I felt as if the weight of the world was suddenly lifted off of my shoulders. I loved my father so very much.
I lay my head against his shoulder and opened my notebook, “I wrote a poem today when I was down at the docks by the beach,” I said in a soft voice flipping through the pages.
“Is that so,” asked father eyebrows raised and massaging my scalp. “I would love to read it.”
I smiled, glancing into his eyes; his entire face glowed from the illumination conceived by the lamp shade that sat atop my bedside table. I continued flipping through the pages until I found the poem I had written. I smiled once more.
“Okay,” I said shifting underneath the covers. “Are you ready?”
“Of course, baby.”
The page read:
The sun burned into spitting ashes
Laying upon the deep blue ocean
My eyes cast a downward glance
Dark shadows cried upon my lap
I knew you had to leave me
But why did you have to take
My tears with you, tears that could
Have been saved by being honesty
“The sun burned into spitting ashes, laying upon the deep blue ocean,” I slowly read sniffling back tears left over from dinner.
I continued, “My eyes cast a downward glance, dark shadows cried upon my lap, I knew you had to leave me, but why did you have to take my tears with you.”
At those words my father held me even tighter.
“Tears that could have been saved,” I paused, letting the words hang in the air for a bit before continuing once more. “By being honest.”
I slowly closed my eyes and closed the journal. I took a deep breathe and gazed upward into father’s eyes. He was crying.
“That was---“said father choking back sobs. “That was beautiful.”
“Thank you,” I said with a whisper, staring down at my lap.
I shifted underneath my covers once more until my entire body was leaning against his. He leaned over and turned off the bedside light covering me with his arms, shielding me from the rest of the world.
The ocean waves lapped against the quiet shores while the light from the stars and the moon shone through my blinds and upon my face. I relaxed while his chest rose and fell against my shoulder; his breathing was soft like a petal drifting through the wind.
My gaze never left the whitened spectacle of the sky, with all of her radiance and pride while her stars surrounded her with loving adoration.
My eyelids began to heavy, and I leaned against my father’s body grateful for his comfort, then I slept long and hard, still dreaming of the wonders of the ocean.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am trying to make the characters as believable as possible. Some of this actually happened in my own life. The girl is based off my own girlfriend of now , her names Charlene and she has similiar characteristics. The mother is actually, well was, how my mother treated me same situation, the father loves to cook as does mine but most of what he says is basically my standpoint on life and perspective. But he i