Angst.

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A/N: So this is a self-pitying vent. And I'm sharing it. On the internet. God, I hate myself.

For a TL;DR version, scroll down.

So, I've been completely out of the closet as long as I've been aware of my orientation, which is pretty much since I was eleven or twelve years old and I realized that girls just didn't do it for me.

Lucky for me, I've grown up in a house where officially "coming out" wasn't really necessary. Growing up I was surrounded by so many gays, I actually thought straight people were the weird ones. Homophobia wasn't a reality, just a foreign smudge on the otherwise clean slate of my life, rarely even making it into my line of vision.

Then I hit middle school. "Faggot" became a part of everyday vocabulary. Girls and boys started practice-dating each other, holding hands and pecking each other on the cheek. That shit wasn't an option for me. Any simple expression of my affection was muffled, because it wasn't directed at the right person. I was popular, but despite my orientation.

When high school started, it got so much better, and so much worse.

I became involved with the drama department and began exploring my love for performance. I made countless new friends, real friends, many of which were openly gay and unashamed. And something that was almost totally new to me: I had straight friends that were completely unfazed by blatant displays of homosexuality, unconcerned with being "gay by association". In fact, sexual freedom became one of the defining characteristics of my social circle. I've lost count of the times I've witnessed straight guys kissing other guys "just for the hell of it".

But along with this acceptance came more vicious hatred and rejection than I'd ever experienced before. My locker was vandalized. I was spit at in the hall and jumped in the locker room, school courtyard, football field, gym, bathroom, on the stairs. One of the times I broke my nose was when a hick slammed my face into the side of his pickup. I started learning how to box for the sake of not getting my ass handed to me every day. It helped.

By late sophomore year, it had gotten better. I was established as someone who would fight back (a characteristic that many a high school coward finds unappealing). I still cringe at the thought of what my more flamboyant friends have had to deal with.

Still, the physical bullshit has never been anything compared to the mental. The Bible calls me an abomination. I'm a deviant. I'm unnatural. I'm threatening family values and American tradition. I'm destined to burn in Hell. My presence is detrimental to the development of children and a healthy society. I'm disgusting. My parents raised me wrong. I'm an inhuman, God-hating freak who was infected with the disease of homosexuality when I was a little boy by a pedophile, and - now that I identify as gay - I am a pedophile by default.

Ah, fuck. How does this not spawn intense self-loathing? I'm a fucking teenager. I'm fucked up enough without millions of people telling me I'm somehow "not right".

The near constant notion lurks in the back of my mind:

Maybe the way I feel is wrong, and I should be ashamed of myself. Maybe I am a product of Satan. Maybe I like guys 'cause of some mental glitch that stems from what happened to me as a child. Maybe those ignorant fucks have it right.

I've attempted suicide a few times before. I think I'm past that place now. I don't consider myself suicidal. I don't think I'm a danger to myself or others. I'm actually the closest to being really happy that I've ever been. Intellectually, I know there's nothing wrong with who I am. But when so many people treat you as though you're somehow perverted, it's hard to keep the insecurity and doubt at bay.

Only so many people can tell you God hates you before you start believing it.

TL;DR Version: Grew up gay. Got lots of shit for it. Still stuck in high school. Struggling with not being completely hateful and depressed.
 
DeSade, these words will probably seem useless now, but trust me when I say that high school absolutely will not matter. I was an outcast in high school because I wore all black, dyed my hair weird colors, put holes in my face, and had a full chest piece and nearly half a sleeve tattooed halfway into my senior year. I have been openly bisexual since I was 15, which also got me a lot of negative attention; guys just wanted to see me kiss girls, and girls were scared I was checking them out in the locker room. It's definitely not easy to make it through high school being so very different from everyone else. My few true friends stuck by me, and that's what got me through.

I graduated almost 5 years ago, and in that 5 years, I've been treated so much differently. Most people don't care about my sexuality (although some guys still expect me to just kiss girls when I'm drunk, which is lame, and some girls are a bit weirded out when they find out I dig chicks, until I reassure them that I don't look at them "that way"), and no one who knows me personally gives a shit about what I look like (though I do get stared at eeeverywhere I go, which is always amusing).

You will get through high school just fine, and you will be a better person than the people who cut you down for being an abomination, a sin, and a crime against humanity for who you love. Because you are none of those things.
 
I got to give you props bro, I really do. Coming out, and sticking up for yourself, that's more balls than most people have.

School is school, people are assholes, and what you've been through makes you into the well rounded person you are today. Much better than people who can't learn to acknowledge or accept something different.

Damn, honestly I would take whatever the bible says for a grain of salt.

I wouldn't let any of this eat you up, yeah teenagers get depressed and pissed, it happens. The only reason I could think of anyone putting you down like they did is because they either feel like they're not good enough, they fear what they don't know, and because friends/family push for that type of thinking.

I've tried to take my life before, a few times actually. You know it's not the right path, I don't need to tell you that. I've been through a lot, more than most people can bare, I just try to keep moving, try to keep breathing.

Humility makes you fucking humble.
 
Hey, I know how you feel. I didn't really have any friends until Sophomore year in high school. I was in a similar situation (not because of sexual preference) until I put my foot down and put one of our athletes in the hospital.

These stupid, shallow people only cause depression and self-loathing if you let them. If they treat you like shit it's only proof that you're better than them and they don't deserve a moment of your time or energy.

That's the attitude you need to have, that because of what you went through you are better than they are. These cush little fucksticks that try to tell you that you are wrong are plain ignorant. It's like standing in front of a group of first graders. You're bigger than they are, you're smarter and there really isn't anything these little twerps can say to change that.


Being different isn't a curse, nor should it be a burden. It's liberating to stand outside the self-imposed cage in which these people suffer and decide to live your life by your own terms instead of theirs.

Wear it like a badge. It's nothing to be ashamed about, and people that try to tell you otherwise are wrong. End of story, forget them and move on.
 
Okay, DeSade. Here's a little known fact, but I'm going to share it with you, because I heart you and stuffs.

I grew up around gays too. Lesbians, gays, you name it. They were either at my house or I was over at theirs at one point during the week or weekend. I grew up with an acceptance of love in the heart, and what love is supposed to be. Not defined by a standard. Yes, I have a fianc
 
I on the other hand didn't meet a single gay person until I graduated from high school. There are times where I will find myself attracted to certain types of guys, but never to such a degree that I would act on said attraction nor change my status from hetero. People are strange, and they don't understand certain things.

The truth of the matter is, self acceptance is far more important than external acceptance. Their acceptance of you matters not at all, whereas your acceptance of yourself means everything. If you can't accept yourself, don't expect anyone else to accept you FOR you.

You are going to rock outside of high school. Hell, you rock inside high school. Maybe some people can't see it, but as long as you do, that's what counts. :rawkfist:
 
Wow. Thanks you for the heartfelt replies. I'm not sure I was expecting much of a response.



Actually, I find that pretty easy to believe. This whole "adolescent crisis" thing I'm going through is frustrating because of all the stuff I know, like that these people are worthless, there's nothing wrong with me, my life outside of high school will be so much better, et cetera. Intellectually, I'm aware of how little these people will mean in the long run.

But I just can't get my intellect to beat my emotions into submission and make me feel better about all this.



Ha, that's another thing. I'm pretty anti-organized religion. I do not believe in the Biblical God. I'm an agnostic bordering on atheist. Yet I've always been of the mind that human beings can't know for sure. So again, regardless of what I know intellectually, there's always the little "what if" lurking in the back of my mind. What if Hell exists, and so on.

Most days, I try not to think about it. It's like Religion is this person I'm stuck in a room with, and I'm just doing my best to not even fucking speak to or look at them.

One of my openly gay friends is a practicing Catholic. I cannot comprehend how he lets his faith coincide with his sexual preferences. I can barely reconcile my sexuality with religion, and I don't even have a religion! It's just such a presence.

Religion is a part of my life whether I want it to be or not, simply because I wanna fuck guys! How fucking petty is that? I am seen as an offense and a threat to the beliefs of millions because I don't like pussy?

It's infuriating.



You're right, you don't. I've become pretty practiced in the ways of convincing people I'm no longer suicidal. I mean, I can't really blame them for being concerned, with my history and all. But rest assured, I don't plan on killing myself. It's unfair to not only myself, but all my loved ones.



My feelings about violence are extremely mixed. I feel like some people just have it coming, and I've got a pretty horrible temper at times. But I hate the feeling of wanting to hurt people. Regardless of how much someone deserves it, I'm so tired of violence being the only language some people understand.

I still have a lot of resentment for the things that have happened to me. That's hard to control. My mind switches between wanting an eye for an eye and just wanting to put a stop to the cycle.

A friend once told me I was the most pissed off hippie she'd ever met.



Ah, prom. A dark room full of formally dressed heteros grinding their pelvises together to bad rap music. Good times, good times.

I actually did have fun at prom, despite some of the assholes there. They had the couples parade and all, announcing shit like "Mr. Smith escorting Ms. Winnifred" and so on. People would applaud each couple.

The reaction to my boyfriend and I was rather interesting. Some people clapped very weakly or didn't clap at all, while others suddenly got much more enthusiastic and clapped their palms raw.

My friends and I basically formed our own dance circle and had a blast with each other.



Thank you.



...That you know of. It amazes me how many people I meet that claim not to know any gay people, and then I start pointing 'em out and they're shocked by how fucking many there are. Lulz.



I wish more people would allow themselves to look at sexuality as a spectrum, and not a collection of categories. I identify as gay, yet I've been in relationships with girls that I consider to have been very important. I've had sex with girls and actually liked it. But at the end of the day, I can only really see myself with another man.

My boyfriend is bisexual, yet we've been in a steady relationship for over a year. He's pretty much given up on explaining to people his sexuality when they assume he's completely gay. I try not to stress on it too much, 'cause it really doesn't matter. But some people get so freakin' confused over nothing.



This is true. I guess I'm just struggling with accepting myself fully when I face rejection every day. I plan on growing out of it.
 
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So is this guy, and he can blow up mountains with his motherfucking voice. Just sayin bro, but there are worse things than being an inhuman.

Seriously though, man. Fuck those guys. You are responsible for your own happiness, not matter how you find it. We live in an uncaring and amoral universe filled with dicks who don't give a fuck about us, but you know what? There's always a bright light. You've got good friends who care about you and would help or protect you in any way they can. You've got a good life, and i'm sure you have plenty to be proud of. Revel in everything that you are and kick all the naysayers to the curb. If they say you're a bad person, or incomplete, or defunct; you fucking tell them to go fuck a horse. You are yourself, and there's nothing you can do about it.

DeSade, just from what i can gather, you're an introspective and observant young man who is capable of many great things. Seriously fuck those bigoted and close-minded motherfuckers who would tear you down.
 
DeSade!


God does NOT hate you! Anyone and I mean anyone that says that you to you is assuming they speak for God. They don't. They can't. Preachers are suppose to teach you or help you better understand the bible. They can't tell you what God thinks, feels or will do because they aren't the voice of God directly.

I look at it like this... God is love.

Love is something we humans feel toward each other from family members, friends and our significant others. If you never ever experience love, you never experience God.

If God disapproves so much for the homosexual lifestyle love would not even be present, it would be lust.

The bible was written by man. Man is flawed. It is only a guideline for morals it isn't the "law". (Course this is my personal beliefs speaking.)

You are a wonderful intelligent young man that has so much to offer the world. I love you just the way you are and to hell with all those other assholes.
 
Y'know before you posted this thread I actually thought gay people had it pretty easy. Dunno' why.

:fpalm:

After living in this town my entire life, I've never really met a gay guy just a few lesbians who ended up being pretty cool. Met a guy and his boyfriend that was about to undergo a sex change operation.

Guy gave me a ride to pickup a 40 oz., got back and got to talking and I accidentally said we rode in 'her' car, talking about the guy because he acted flamboyant. I tried quickly to change my answer because I didn't want to be rude, but they cut me off and explained it was his boyfriend's car, and he liked to be referred to as a 'she' because he was getting ready for his operation.

They also explained how they weren't gay because they didn't have sex, and once he had the operation they were to be married. Guy getting the operation had tits by the way, and he started to get real hormonal. They ended it after he had the operation.

Awkward.

I guess you could look at that situation differently, and see how it's harder for gays since they had to try to conform to a society where homosexuality isn't the norm and not often nor readily accepted. But somewhere along the lines I didn't connect the dots.
 
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