competition to be the best? I’m starting college soon. In high school, I was for some reason considered to be friends with everyone. I was incredibly lucky to feel so accepted at school. However, when I finally had a breakdown from many years of anxiety (and then felt some extra stress from stored secrets that somehow resulted in PTSD), it wound up being hard having everyone always asking me where I was and always wanting to hang out, because it was exhausting keeping all of my secrets hidden when they had finally come to the surface of my own mind.
I thought I’d want friends in college, and when I went to visit the school with other incoming freshmen awhile ago, I did meet people who wanted to exchange numbers and stay connected in the between time before orientation and classes, but the truth is that I want to avoid actually having friends. I’m stupid, but I just want my family. I’m so sad to leave my baby niece; I’m going to miss her, and she gave me her first actual little smile today. I’d rather hang out with her and my parents.
I feel worn out. Am I mean to not want friends? I love volunteering, so I’m joining a club that does lots of this, and I’m going to join other extracurricular activities, so I will be around other people, and I can’t shut off being friendly so, of course, I’ll talk to people; I simply don’t want friends.
As horrid as this makes me and as guilty as I feel for it, all I want is to graduate top of my class again (I’m not smart, so even attempting this will take all of my time), go on to my first-choice graduate school, and finally get to spend my life volunteering without grades hanging over my head. I just don’t have time in my life to be a friend or to have friends when there’s so much competition to be the best and to be the hardest worker (there was a ton of competition in high school, but we all knew just how far everyone would go to be first in class, whereas now I have to learn how intense the competition is all over again with new people); I hate life when grades are in the picture, and I’m tired of having friends to pretend to that I’m happy when school is killing me (I hurt myself over it (self-injure), I have an eating disorder, I have panic attacks, I wish a lot to die (except that I’m not going to leave my family or let God down), etc.).
I appreciate your time.
I thought I’d want friends in college, and when I went to visit the school with other incoming freshmen awhile ago, I did meet people who wanted to exchange numbers and stay connected in the between time before orientation and classes, but the truth is that I want to avoid actually having friends. I’m stupid, but I just want my family. I’m so sad to leave my baby niece; I’m going to miss her, and she gave me her first actual little smile today. I’d rather hang out with her and my parents.
I feel worn out. Am I mean to not want friends? I love volunteering, so I’m joining a club that does lots of this, and I’m going to join other extracurricular activities, so I will be around other people, and I can’t shut off being friendly so, of course, I’ll talk to people; I simply don’t want friends.
As horrid as this makes me and as guilty as I feel for it, all I want is to graduate top of my class again (I’m not smart, so even attempting this will take all of my time), go on to my first-choice graduate school, and finally get to spend my life volunteering without grades hanging over my head. I just don’t have time in my life to be a friend or to have friends when there’s so much competition to be the best and to be the hardest worker (there was a ton of competition in high school, but we all knew just how far everyone would go to be first in class, whereas now I have to learn how intense the competition is all over again with new people); I hate life when grades are in the picture, and I’m tired of having friends to pretend to that I’m happy when school is killing me (I hurt myself over it (self-injure), I have an eating disorder, I have panic attacks, I wish a lot to die (except that I’m not going to leave my family or let God down), etc.).
I appreciate your time.