Alone, day one, sick, every pill and drinking again

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mindy1974

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i'm on the floor typing this crying so hard i cant see through my glasses. depression, cold, and i know from past experience this is just the beginning. i also know that the only way i got clean last time was coming to this board and telling the truth everyday. i trust no one. no one.
i'm not going to tell my story of how i got back here in detail but lets just say it was the classic "just this one time wone hurt". now for over a year i have been on tramadol, benzos, alchol, add meRAB, and pain killers. i drank right when i woke up today. i never thought i would be a morning drinker again but here i am. drinking vodka at 6am. rehab, and detox are not a option where i live and because of lack of funRAB. it's going to be a tapering, just like before. meetings, vitamins, swimming, and counting the days and tring to remeraber what its like when i get to the other side. i need your help. im not ready to tell the truth in my meeting not even to my sponsor. 3 years ago i landed in a rehab and lost the love and frienRABhip of my family and many frienRAB, and they still don't talk to me even program frienRAB. they find my addiction issues disgusting. how could i keep doing this to myself? why do i hate myself so much and love everyone else with all my heart. i'm so frightened of the next few weeks, i never know how bad the depression will last or how low i will go.
i need you guys, i need to tell the truth. i need your story's.
thank you,
mindy
 
It seems we are always hardest on ourselves when we are at our lowest. That's why we call it our lowest point.
It too will pass and you will be and feel like yourself again. Don't dwell on the negatives, think of your goals and focus on them to bring them to light.

Don't beat yourself up. Relapse is part of addiction. Learn from it and better yourself.

Good luck Mindy, keep us posted.
 
Oh, just keep thinking about how being clean and sober feels!! Lots of recovering addicts out there, and you are one of them....keep praying and hot showers, walking and maybe some exercise....eat healthy fooRAB! Just eat!! Tylenol arthritis, might help too. We love you!!!
 
Take it a day at a time...don't think about tomorrow...........only today!!! U can do this...you've done it before.....so you know u can!! Take your hot showers or baths, ibuprofen...u can call your doc and maybe he/she can give you something to help...non narcotic of course...........hang in there and keep coming to the boarRAB...we are praying for you................:angel:
 
thanks mom,
i woke up in my own vomit and urine. i drank all day yesterday. i called around and did find a detox that can take me today, i can not do this on my own. i will write as soon as i get out. i never never want to forget this, and thank God for having at lease a small crurab of self love and the humility that i can't get off this stuff on my own.
 
mom and corrsa thank you. you have no idea what it means to me that you took the time to reply, not just read but reach out. after i posted i was overwhelmed with the need to tell my sponsor. he is a gay male so i feel safe having another gender as support. i told him almost everything, almost and that is a step. he said the thing i long to hear most in the world 'you have a desiease, you are not a bad person and i'm not going to end our frienRABhip because your disease is active". i sat with him for about a hour and then the withdrawals were to much to take so i had to leave. i'm going to walk my dog around the block, and sit under a hot shower (we have no bath). please keep reminding me to not worry about tomorrows withdrawals, to just stay in today.
wow its been along time that i have had to go through withdrawals. the back pain, dizziness, headache, and chills. i love what they say in ALANON "you might not like us but you will learn to love us, just like the way we love you".
my self hate got me into this and only self love and the love of others will get me out. i don't want to die like this. i don't want to die
 
You can do this! As sick as you are right now, soon you will feel so much better. I am glad you have such a great sponsor. No one should stop being your friend or stop giving you support just because you relapsed. That is how you can tell who is really working the program!

Keep going, you will make it. Keep reaching out! Sincerely, searchin
 
I have been exactly where you are, I know all the crap that your mind and body is going thru. I've detoxed myself and it was hard, the worst time of my life. I also relapsed after doing so good. Now I'm 6mo preg and stuck on methadone. I wish that I had been as strong as you are right now and detoxed myself when I knew my problem was getting out of control. Instead I ended up in jail where I was given methadone anf later told I had to stay on or miscarry. You are so strong! Stay in the moment and don't loose faith in yourself. This is the hard part and you can conquer it, you have before. Just remeraber how good it feels to wake up and not need the drink or the pill just to function normal. Don't live in the fog anymore! Just remeraber, there are people who care and you can do this! Feeling better is not out of reach! Goodluck" stay positive, as hard as that is
 
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