alone all the time, my own fault

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I have times where I feel worthless and unwanted in this world. It passes. Today I had one of those times. My cousin, who has treated me horribly in the past, was supposed to come to my sister's tonight and hang out with us. My sister decided to go out with her friends so my cousin didn't come. I don't know why but that hurt my feelings.

I sent my cousin a text message saying she hurt my feelings and she wrote back and said "Sorry I hurt everyone's feelings. sorry I have a life, I'm not coming tomorrow either because I don't need your shit". She is totally trying to turn this around on me as she always does. This just sent me over the edge. I am an extremely sensitive person about certain things and this is one of them. I will beat myself up over something stupid such as my cousin making me look to be the bad person. I find myself wondering why I am always alone. Why do I get left by myself so much?

It's not just this cousin situation that upset me. It's being alone ALL the time. Yes, I like to be alone most of the time but sometimes I get sick of it. Then my sister feels obligated to try to make me feel better and she tells me that her friends like me. Well that's just fine, I'm glad they do I like them too but I want my own friends to like me and want to hang out with me. My cousin and I used to be so close and in the past year she has slowly thrown our friendship aside and stepped on it as if it were garbage. I don't think I'm as strong as I appear to be. It kills me inside. I don't know what to do.
 
Wow, krisi ... we should hang out. We park our cars in the same garage.

I have family, but no real friends. No one close, anyway. I have ex-Navy buddies in various states, but I only see them once or twice a year usually. I'm a nice guy, but have trouble showing it. Being the type of person that wants to please everyone, I'm extremely aware of what I do and say. Add that to past relationships where I've been told I never say anything positive, and the outcome is I'm pretty much a recluse. I'm lonely and despair all the time, to the point of exhaustion. And I know it's on me to change it, but at the moment, I can't or don't want to.

Don't really have any advice for you, just wanted you to know someone understands and is in your corner. I just try to realize there's always tomorrow, and things might turn for the better.

Good luck!
 
I hope you don't get offended by my frankness, but I'm going to tell you what you need to hear, rather than the sympathetic, flattering answer you might be hoping for.

It is not other people's responsibility to hang out with you. It was out of order for your cousin to cancel on you at short notice, but there are a ton of reasons why your cousin might have done what she did.

My advice is to force yourself to go and do as many different things as you can. I'm talking about swim sessions, night time French polishing classes, local fairs, book clubs, anything that gets you into a social situation and interacting with other people. Just blanket bomb the entire town with your presence. You may not like it at first, but take it from me, the voice of experience, being sociable is not an innate characteristic. It is something you can learn. And you will feel all the better for learning it. If you meet enough people, the chances are you'll meet a friend who you can connect with, who builds you up and makes you feel a million dollars. And it only takes one.

So that's nugget of advice number one: Get busy and keep busy.

You could make it your goal to try three things you've never tried before this month. Who knows? You may find something you like and can stick with? But this problem isn't going to solve itself.

Again, sorry if this wasn't what you wanted to hear, and also sorry if I'm way off the mark :)
 
Thanks Elite, I'm glad I'm not the only one but that sucks that you are lonely too.

Hannibal, I don't really care to meet new people right now I just want to get done with college and move on with my life. The friends that I do have from high school never call me, ask me to do something and I have always been the one to ask and always get turned down so I'm just sick of it. I have other friends from camp who I can relate to with my disability and such but they all live over 2 hours away from me which sucks.

I guess my main point of this thread was that my cousin treats me like shit but I still feel like I want to hang out with her and be friends with her. I know I should just forget about her but I don't want people to hate me. Especially family. This isn't the first time she has cancelled on me and I should probably just stop asking her to do anything. She has told her mom that I am mean to her and I yell at her a lot and that I'm crabby all the time. I've never once yelled at her or gotten mad at her or anything like that. I don't understand why she thinks I do all these things to her because I never have. I'm just a very laidback person, I don't say a whole lot of anything to anyone most of the time. People have told me that I look crabby at first but then when they start talking to me they see that I'm not crabby at all. It's just how I am, that's my personality. I guess she dosen't understand my personality or doesn't like it.

My biggest problem about this whole situation is that she has turned the rest of the family against me, my aunt and uncle look at me as if I'm a horrible person and we've always been a close family. My grandparents are the same way towards me, they never say anything directly to me about it or anything but I can just feel this negative vibe when I'm around them. My mom has told me that my aunt has told her several times that I am mean to Katrina (my cousin) and all this crap that Katrina has told her and my mom sticks up for me because she knows I would never treat Katrina or anyone as she says I do. At least I know that my parents and brothers and sisters are on my side. Well, my sister usually tells me I brought it on myself and makes me feel like shit but that's another story and another issue of my warped emotions.
 
Krisi, i know how you feel. It sucks always having to be the one to initiate contact with your "friends." After a while it begins to feel like they don't actually want you around, but feel obligated to tolerate your presence. I get it. I've been in the same situation a lot in the last year or so. Unfortunately, there isn't a lot that can be done about it. Even telling them what they're doing hurts you isonly a temporary fix; meaning they might call you a couple times out of guilt, but it doesn't last.

The hard part is trying to convince yourself it's not you. It's hard because it's so terribly personal and there's no way to know for sure it isn't you; that there isn't something about you that is unlikable. I have a friend that never initiates contact with me unless there's something going wrong (well, a couple of them) and it kills me, but there's nothing I can do about it.

From what i've seen of you on the boards, you're a very likeable person and i'm sorry your friends are such assholes. As hannibal said, about the only thing you can do is try to make new friends. It's hard going out and being sociable if that's not your usual method; and it's very possible to feel lonely in a crowded room, but sometimes you just have to make yourself available to meet new people.

I wish I could be of more help. Unfortunately not a lot I can do from here but offer you support and encouragement. If we lived in the same city, I'd hang out with you. From the things you've said here I think we'd get along.

Anyway, buck up, know you're likeable, get through school, and show all those bitches what a great person you are and what they lost out on by pushing you away.
 
Well I did have friends in school and we still keep contact through phone. Unfortunately we joined different colleges after school and though we manage to keep contact, our college timings are not synchronised. In my new college, I'm stuck with a bunch of dicks who make friends with you only if you are one of the top acheivers in academics. Fortunately for me, I do get decent grades. But that is NOT friendship. I pretty much understand your situation. Remember even though we don't know each other and will probably never meet, we are an online fraternity always present, we are humans too and will always communicate and you can let out your feelings here and get a positive response (hopefully) in return. So in other words, we WILL be here for you. So cheer up already :)

As for your cousin, talk to her. If she still behaves like a bitch, ignore her, give her a taste of her own medicine and treat her like the filth she is.
 
Krisi....I really shouldn't say this because it just fosters the anti social behavior you are already exhibiting...but FUCK THEM. Who needs them? They never did anything for anyone except make people feel like shit.

And about the depression, there are a lot of us on here that feel the same way. I go weeks without wanting to eat or move and I just cry all the time. Then I go weeks where I am hyper and kind of insane.

You have to find what makes you happy and stick to it.
 
Krisi...your friends are worthless pieces of shit.

Let me tell you how loyal mine are.

In January 2005, I went off of Risperdal and totally lost all emotional control.

When I stabilized, I began abusing Ambien.

I had undiagnosed manic depression (bipolar disorder). I never shut the fuck up because Ambien made my manic cycles horrid.

I spent the whole damn Summer playing on my Sega Genesis and didn't even see them ONCE.

They knew something was wrong. I felt there wasn't. They knew I wouldn't believe it.

Fast forward. It's now December. They still haven't seen me. Justin and Matt saw me once when we went to the computer show to pick up a WiFi card.

I then ended up being committed in January. Yes. South Oaks mental hospital.

Two weeks in, the Lithium levels stabilized. I had bipolar worse than anyone else on the planet.

"Oh my God...what have I done?"

And right as I started rebuilding everything, I missed a dose of Lithium.

Which is a very, very, very big deal.

They somehow managed to build up a level in the hospital. That missed dose allowed my body to metabolize it all. My level dropped to near zero.

Now, it's fucking May. It's finally beginning to work again. I'm now on a Lamictal/Lithium combo, and I like it. I have another month or so before it's fully repaired, but I gotta say, I really like this.

Now I am starting to repair everything again.

The thing is...there isn't any.

They were there for me the whole time.

And they haven't seen me for nearly a year.

And if those aren't loyal and compassionate friends, I don't know who is.
 
Thank you all so much for the support, I feel a lot better now.

Toastig-Thanks for the comforting words, I needed to hear that.

anotheruser-I want to treat her like the scum she is but that's just not who I am and I definitley do not want to sink to her level. My mom told me that she doesn't want me to speak to her or have anything to do with her because she has hurt me way too much and I don't need it. So I'm going to just go on with my life without her and her shit.

dustinzgirl-Thanks for the support and suggestion. I think that's what I'm going to do. My mom told me I need to make new friends and find loyal people who won't stab me in the back but she understands that that will be hard for me concidering how much I have been hurt in the past. It's hard for me trust people and to know that not everyone will treat me like shit.

Descent-That's awesome that you have great friends like that. I have a few friends who have been here for me through everything I've gone through but now they have just disappeared or something.
 
:hug2: I know exactly how you feel, except my sister has no friends to like me. I'm your friend, and while I can't come over and hang out, I want you to know that I like you. :) You're a good person. Sometimes it's hard. I have no real friends at college and they always ditch me with the excuse, "We didn't know where you were." when most of the time I was sitting on my bed with my door open. It hurts. It should. You're a human with feelings. But you are loved. Your wtf family always has your back. :)
 
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