All this time and it's not gotten any easier!

  • Thread starter Thread starter Secrets1983
  • Start date Start date
S

Secrets1983

Guest
Hey Everyone,

Some of you may remeraber me, some of you won't..... First of all I just have one thing to say... ADDICTION IS THE DEVIL!

I have been fighting off and on now for a long time. Bottom line, when I don't use which is the majority of the time I have no energy and I am not happy. Nothing makes me happy. I just feel gloom and doom. I had some medical problems not that long ago and they gave me a very small amount of pain meRAB and for the first time in a long time... I FELT HAPPY when I was using them..... I know that sounRAB sick but it's honest.

Right this moment I have cravings that are so intense I could just scream outloud and cry.

I am exhausted, I am broken and I am really badly needing to feel happy again. Maybe life will always be like this? Maybe it won't but today..... is harder than anything I can explain.

I know I am not the only one who has been in these shoes before..... that is why I came here....

I hope you all are doing great and I have been thinking and praying for you all.

Many blessings!
 
Getting clean can be a long haul. Of course you will be miserable. You think you have lost your best friend. Where has that friend taken you and look where this so-called friend has left you. Killing yourself for more. Oh yes, addiction is very seductive. You are having a great time getting high or so you are led to believe. When it is all said and done with this friend will leave you low and move on to someone else. Breaking up is hard to do. Sincerely, searchin
 
Secrets,

I thought you'd be preggers by now, sweetie. How's that going?

Walkersma
 
Oh bless all of your hearts!

It felt so good to get back on here and just talk. A really good friend of mine, really my best friend has been sick and hospitalized for weeks and she is the one, the only one really anymore I am able to turn to about this issue because even after all these years.... my addiction is still a secret. It's so lonely and painful but I still refuse to hurt the loved ones around me by admitting my problem. I got myself into this.... I will either have to decide to live with it or deal with it.

So when I do have pills which is not very often.. (I am an off and on user) but when I don't use them life feels like DOOM. NOTHING makes me happy. NOTHING. I have to fake every smile, every laugh. When I do actually have a real laugh over something I think to myself "wow, that was actually a real laugh". Then before I know it... I am back to faking it. Anyone else have those feelings all the time?

I just want to be happy. Obviously, I am not using right now.

I probably won't be on the board a ton because certain things are triggering me but I hope to work past them.

Wendy, how wonderful to hear from you!!! I have popped on from time to time to keep my eye on you and a few others! SO MANY NEW FACES! That is a great thing so many people are reaching out for support and help. To answer your question, I have been feeling this way from the very first moment I did not have any pills. So, a long time now. I know the happiness is fake but it sure feels real to me when it's there. When it's not there.... I would rather not even get out of bed and I know in my heart I have so much to live for! Thank you for your worRAB! Many blessings to you! I wish you nothing but success in your recovery!

Neverforget, First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on almost 4 years of sobriety! That is so amazing. Everything you said to me yes of course I know.. It's just the will power I am lacking! I guess I am not as strong as you were and are..... I have not made the right choices. I wonder everyday when I will find the strength to make the right one finally. I have been in and out of w/d so many time now it's shameful. I want to thank you for taking the time to write to me. It really means the world to me. You keep on keepin on!

Neve, my dear sweet Neve... Oh, I wish I road off into the sunset and could say I was clean and sober.. For that reason alone I almost didn't post because I thought that some of you may have thought that is what happened to me and maybe it would have given you some strength to see that if I can do it so can you..... but that would just have been a lie and I never lie to you guys! You are the only people on the planet I can be honest with. Completely honest... I am sorry to hear you are still struggling too! I have thought of you often and have tried my best to keep tabs on you! I wish you everything you wished me! HAPPINESS! XOXOXOX

Searchin, WELL SAID! Breaking up is hard to do. That gave me tingles all over my body! Thank you for saying everything you did! SO much content your reply with not that many worRAB.... I bet you are a very very interesting person! Oh and by the way... that is a compliment!!!! Something about you intrigues me.... I don't mean that in a weird way either but I have not seen much of you around here and I think you have a lot to give this board!

Well, my frienRAB..... Another day of work sitting at my desk with high anxiety because well you know why..... I just want to thank you for all of your worRAB and all of your support! I really needed it! Addiction is a loney monster. Sometimes I wish I bumped my head a little too hard and had amnesia but only forget the addiction part!! LOL..... Not that I would want to forget any of you wonderful people. You know what I mean..... I should be careful what I wish for though because my luck.... I would bump my head too hard, not be able to comminicate at all, be stuck in a hospital bed and I would know what was going on the whole time and I would lay there silently craving pills! Now wouldn't that be the kicker! Maybe I don't have it so bad after all.....

Well, those of you who know me know I can never keep anything short and sweet..... I have missed you guys and you are always in my thoughts and prayers. You will never be forgotten. There is a special love an addict has for fellow addicts.. Or at least i do.

Many blessings to you all!
XOXOXOOXO
 
I remeraber you well Secrets. I thought you had rode off into the sunset, and were happy.Sorry your having a tough time, I know how it feels believe me. My life is in and out of withdrawals, happy most of the time...totally miserable on those days when I run out of Ultram(the Devil!!)which is about 6 days in the month.I turn to this board when I'm feeling guilty & miserable. Reading these BoarRAB sure helps me to know I am not alone, and I can identify with the signs & symptoms and know I'm not going crazy I know that you are a lovely young girl, secrets with a lot of wonderful things going for you. All I can say is that you should have a lovely happy life ahead of you dont spoil it all. You will be in my thoughts....Love Neve
 
Secrets.....
you have taken the worRAB out of my mouth and the feelings out of my soul!! I have been completely off since around the middle of July....I do have access to pain meRAB about once a month....for about 4 days to a week is all...not enough to have any more withdrawal. When I have them, it's like I can conquer the world! I'm able to get housework done, I have the motivation to get the little ones outside, get things done. Without them.....life bleak...starting each day is tiresome and it takes everything in me to just get my daily tasks done. Why is this??? I am really struggling with this now, as well. Hopefully it gets better.....I do have a very very bad back so they are needed at times----but I don't know where I'm headed just about now. blessings to you....
 
Hi Secrets - I remeraber you too. It's been a while since I've been on these boarRAB. I pop on every once in a while to see if there's a name I recognize and there you were. I understand you're having a hard time, but I also know you understand this: that's a false happy you're feeling with the pills. I think part of your problem may be that you are off then on again. I think it's been almost 4 years since I took my last vicoden and now that I've "recalibrated" and feel normal I can tell you this - you're not supposed to feel happy all the time. Of course you feel happy on those pills, they affect the pleasure functions of the brain. Mundane everyday activities are exciting: cleaning the house, doing the laundry, sitting at your desk at work. Guess what? Those aren't always supposed to be exciting. The "happy" is a lie. You also know it's a downward spiral - after a while the "happy" lasts less and you need more and more to try to get that 45 minute high that you can no longer get. It's madness.

The hardest thing is to stop and STAY stopped. There were times when I was feeling down and I would think to myself "I know exactly what would make me feel better". It's like you know this dark secret that most people don't. Luckily, I was able to recognize the addiction whispering in my ear and I realized that it would get me nowhere. Honestly, it's so much better not worrying about when and where the next pill will come from to get me through the day. That's no way to live.

So am I on a drugged up, hazed happy all the time? No. Is life better now that I'm off of the roller coaster of addiction? Absolutely. I hope you and everyone who is on this board can feel the same some day.
 
hi secrets! i remeraber you hon!! im so sorry u are having a rough time. but you are still such a strong person to me. we all have our trips and falls. i think it takes a long time for the mind to repair after all the drugs... especially when you do on again off again using. AND don't forget, when you've gone through your medical issues, those things can be draining and exhausting, and perhaps you arent use to dealing with those things totally sober... mabyesome thoughts from that still linger? so it's hard to have to face all that. of course you'd feel happy taking those pills... it gives you an escape.
take your time... your brain and its chemistry will bounce back. sometimes we get in ruts anyway...and they dont even have to do with drugs! i've been sober on and off for a while now (more off drugs than on, but still not perfect...) and sometimes things catch up with me and i get VERY emotional and depressed. it's a terrible feeling. i can totally relate. how long have u been feeling this way? please remeraber that this will pass. just like when you first ever tried to kick pills and you thought that day would never come that you would feel ok (and be able to leave the bathroom for over 10 minutes!). ALL that DID pass... and honestly this will too. it all just takes time.
remeraber to breathe.
be well
wendy
 
HEY Walkersma!!!!

Long time no talk.... No such luck in the pregnany department! We have had 2 miscarriages so far and see a fertility specialist but nothing seems to give. Like I have heard 14,987,524 times... "It will happen in GoRAB time" so each day I am trying to learn to accept that.... It is a trigger for my use though.. There is no doubt about it. 18 months of disappointment and loss seems to be a lot to handle some days. I hope you are doing great! Many blessings to you!

Foolofatuk,

Doesn't it feel good to know there is someone else out there who knows exactly how you feel? On one hand it's comforting and on the other hand.... It breaks my heart so badly to know that other people hurt the way I do. Just know you are not alone and don't be afraid to speak openly and honeslty here because it's such great therapy!

Blessings to you all!
 
Back
Top