Advice about my poem...?

[Child of Night]

I write poetry and to aspire I "compete" with my friend. I wrote a poem and this is only part of it but he said the third line of the first stanza needs some sprucing up. What is your opinion?

Thou walked with warmth upon the Earth,
and breathed fresh air since time of birth,
and I, the shepherd waited till your privelage would expire.


Thou could bask within the sun,
living life with love and fun,
as I continued to round up the one's who had retired.


Never shall I rest in peace,
until all life has finally ceased,
for everything with a beginning certainly has an end.
AS I continued to round up the one's who had finally retired....my bad.

 

[fallout.atthedisco]

It's really good!!!! You have talent. Haha.

But I have a few suggestions::
"As I continued to round up the one's who had finally retired" doesn't seem to fit in the poem, rhythm-wise. The original line, before you added the addition detail, fits better with the other lines. (maybe take out the finally)

Also, "Living life with love and fun" doesn't seem to fit in the poem because of the style. The whole poem has deep meanings and a great use of words, then "living life with love and fun" kind of ruins the flow because it sounds too common and childlike.

These are just my opinions and I hope i didn't offend you or anything. :] But other than those 2 things, the poem is great!!! Great job, and I hope you win the competition with your friend. Good luck!