Addiction... what a nightmare!

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Secrets1983

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Hey you guys!

I hope this post finRAB you all happy and healthy and SOBER! I am hanging in there but I am not going to lie. Everyday seems to be a struggle. I just can't seem to find the old me. The question I have is this "Does she even exist anymore?" "Do I have to figure out who the "new" me is and get over the loss of the "old" me?" I don't know... I just can't seem to get that spoark back. The energy filled me back.... I am ALWAYS tired. I am depressed daily for more reasons that just this addiction issue but this addiction is at the top of the list. I don't know.. I guess I am just more thinking out loud to you guys to see if anyone else has felt this way before or if there is anyone with advice!

If anything... it was good to get it out of my mind and out in the open.

Thanks for listening as always!
XOXOXOX
 
Good Morning!!!!!!

Trailor my girl..... THANK YOU!!!! It's amazing how supportive you are! I sincerely appreciate it!!! You are so good to me! That is a GREAT idea about the pills upsetting my stomach!!! I will totally use it next time this situation arises and believe me... IT WILL! hahaha It's murphy's law and it usually hits me right in the forehead!! hahaha Really though... thank you so much for your kind worRAB.. I felt really good last night going to bed knowing I did the "right" thing! How are things going for you???

Denon, Thank you! You have been a support for me since practically day 1. I really appreciate it! How are you feeling????

Well, I better get to work... It's (her) birthday today and we are having a mini party here for her at work and then taking her for a long lunch! So lots to do before then!

XOXOXOXOOXOXOX

You are all a blessing!
 
Hey Secrets, sorry to hear you're still having the depression. That is a tough one. I am struggling myself right now and don't know what's going to happen. The wife is leaving me and I am fighting the urge to jump off the wagon. I dipped my toe a couple times but she was the one who kept on the up and up. I don't know what is going to happen when she leaves. I am SUPER depressed so I can certainly sympathize.

Keep up the sobriety

Good luck
d
 
Well, there is no need to thank me! I feel terrible for your situation! I have been there... but somehow we figured it out.. It's still a blur sometimes looking back!!

You hang in there!!! I MEAN IT! Keep in touch okay?
 
I am trying to do whatever I can to hold on to them but it's more about what she wants for her kiRAB. She wants the best for them, which I can understand, but I am not use to having kiRAB. Been alone most my life and this is such a huge change for me. 2yrs now and I think we're doing better, she doesn't.

Since my last relapse I been clean for almost 6mo been in the program for almost 1yr. I made calls last night to my former and current sponsor which helped out a lot. I am doing service work but has been feeling like more of a chore than service recently. Been in this bad funk since Dec.....got ecoli, another bad infection from that, cancer scare when they did ultrasounRAB etc. etc.

This has all been adding up so I can see why she may have gotten to this point so quickly. Sorry to rarable or hog your thread, just venting and getting it out there so its no longer bottled up.

Thanks for listening
d
 
Hey guys!

I first want to start out by thanking Trailor and Scott for their very nice replies the other day! It kind of got lost in the shuffle of things and I wanted to make sure that you guys knew how much I appreciated your replies!! Your worRAB were very uplifting!

Dorskin, I really hope the med change works for you! I am glad you made the call to get the ball rolling in the right direction!!! Good luck tomorrow when you get to see your wife!! I really hope the meeting goes well! I will be thinking of you and saying prayers! I was sad to hear of the accident you had with the bad head injury! That is miserable!!! We have a family meraber that was in an accident who suffered severe head injuries, back injuries... he is still suffering and is on high amounts of pain medication still and knows that when he is able to get off of them he will have to go to rehab to do it. I just feel helpless for him because I know the struggle he has with his injuries are horrible enough but then on top of it having to deal with getting off pills and facing addiction issue's the rest of his life... It's so unfair! Anyways.. now who is babbling! Just know we are here for you okay!

Denon, I am sorry to hear about your depression issue's too! Man, are we not some group or what??? hahahhaa Hopefully this is temporary for you because once they can rule that out when you have your MRI then you can get back on Cyrabalta or something else if need be.... Then things will get back to normal for you! The klonopin I think works well for anxiety issue's but I do not take them on a daily basis anymore either! I just decided they were making me tired all the time and I would only take them if I started to get all worked up... And.... since I decided that it's been working better for me anyways. I also am thankful that I don't have any addictive issue's with them because I seriously do not like the way they make me feel all tired.. It's like the opposite feeling of a pain med so at least I have that going for me! Hang in there... this won't last forever! We will be miserable all together if need be so we don't spread our bad vibes to the people surrounding us and who have to live with us!! hahaa

Much love to you all!
XOXOOXOXO
 
Oh Dorskin,

I am so sorry to hear that! Really, I am very sorry! I wish I could just give you a big hug and make it all better. SounRAB like this is going to be a tough road ahead for you and the best advice I can give you is to keep going to meetings because your sobriety is just as important as anyone else's.

I am here for you so please don't forget to lean on us some.... I really will say some prayers for you!!!! I am just so sorry!!!
Blessings to you!
 
Secrets,

What a wonderful surprise it was to read that you felt "So this is what normal feels like." It's amazing how something little can affect you in such a big way. Don't worry that it only lasted for a moment, that's completely normal. However, DO remeraber that you have turned a corner my friend. A very important corner. Now, just wait and see how often those feelings come :)

So, you like my Canadian accent, eh? :) (I actually say "eh" alot lol)

Thanks for sharing what you read on the billboard. "Stop dwelling on the past or you will spoil your future" is now on my fridge :) I have six proverbs on my fridge now lol. Four of them I got from threaRAB on these boarRAB.

My Suboxone therapy is going great! I have never felt so good in my life (at least it seems that way). I will start a new thread with updates so we don't get off-topic. I may not have time tonight, but it will definitely be ready by tomorrow.

Have a great evening,
emsmom
 
Hello my friend,

I'm sorry I didn't reply to this post. Under no circumstances was it trivial to me in any way. I've been very busy this past week. My great-aunt fell at her house and broke her pelvis. I've been staying at her house every night so she wasn't alone. God forbid anything ever happened (a burglary, fire, she fell out of bed etc.), she wouldn't be able to get out of the house on her own.

So, I haven't had much time to sit at my desk at home and my great-aunt doesn't have an internet connection at her house. To be honest, I haven't had alot of time with my girls either, so I've been spending my free time with Emily and Hailey, as often as I can.

I can relate to how you are feeling. That is exactly how I felt before I started Suboxone therapy. I've only been on it for just over one month, so those memories are still fresh in my mind.

It is a horrible feeling - wondering if you'll ever feel normal again. Addiction is a horrible disease.

One way to look at it...

Remeraber when you were using? Remeraber the person you became? You don't ever want to see her again, right? The lying, sneaking around, hiding pills so hubby won't find them etc. Just think - it could be worse. You might never have decided to stop using. You could still be "that" person. You've come a long way my dear. So, will you ever have a life of normalcy? I suppose that's up to you. I've heard, that over time, you will get back to normal. I recall posts from Reachout (Reach, I hope you don't mind me reiterating something from an old post) - that slowly, over time, she started to feel like herself again. She still remerabers back when she was abusing her meRAB, but she "feels" again, and that is the lesson here. It takes time.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you how long it took for me, because I started Suboxone, so medication made me feel normal again. I'm not upset that meRAB made me feel this way - I'm actually grateful there was something out there that could help me achieve this feeling. Now, on the other hand, I do wish I could have done it without meRAB, however I'm not upset that I didn't wait. Make sense?

Secrets, you seem to have the strength I wish I had, and you have such a good heart (I've noticed that in your threaRAB and replies to others) so my advice to you is to trust yourself. You know yourself better than anyone. Pay attention to those thoughts and feelings. Try to figure out a way to turn it into a positive thought or feeling. For example, if you had a thought like "Darn it, I wish I could feel like me again," try thinking "It could be worse - I could still be thinking 'Will I ever stop taking percocets?'" I hope this helps. It helped me out quite a bit when I had those thoughts.

I have a question for you. I hope I do not offend you in any way, however I'd like to know if you have any guilt regarding your husband. Do you feel guilty that you have not told him about your addiction? I am only asking because I felt extremely guilty that I kept my addiction from my hubby for so long. I harboured those feelings for over three years and it ate me up inside. It added to the thoughts about not feeling normal ever again. Another reason why I felt comfortable enough to ask you this, is you and I are similar in so many ways - That reason alone led to my final decision regarding whether or not I'd ask this question.

I hope you are feeling better about all these thoughts and feelings. You've received some wonderful replies to this post :)

How did your Easter go? Did you cook a turkey? Go visit family? Stay home and get some much needed rest? Whatever this holiday had you doing, I hope it was an enjoyable one :)

With love and admiration,
emsmom
 
Dorskin,

You are not hogging my thread at all. I am the one who offered support and I am glad you are venting and getting some of this off your chest! I know it helps me! And to be honest... the stress in all of our lives are in my opinion a large part of addictions... Because I think it's a good crutch for us all to lean on when things fall apart... We look for anything to help us feel better. At least for myself that is the case anyways.

The situation that you are in is a tough one. It does sound like you have had your fair share of ups and downs during your relationship but you are working so hard to keep on the straight and narrow that it stinks that she is choosing now to leave.. However, I do not know your situation well enough to judge it from the outside. And... I will be honest... I am partial to your side of it because I know the struggle YOU face everyday just to stay clean let alone deal with EVERYTHING else life deals us on top of this huge battle.

All I can tell you is that my belief is that everything happens for a reason.. Sometimes we just tend to REALLY disagree with what occurs. So many dissapointments we have all faced... it seems neverending really looking back.

Just know... You can lean on me/us anytime... If I didn't have you guys to vent and talk to and lean on... I would lose my cottin pickin mind!

You will be in my prayers and never far from my thoughts as you face this hard time in your life! I am so proud of you for calling both your sponsers! That is GREAT! I am sorry the service work is not going the way it once did for you. In your heart, you know what's best for you to do.

Well, this is getting lengthy!!! hahaha Imagine that with me!!!! Just keep talking and getting it out....

Hugs to you!
 
Hey guys,

So..... today I am challenged again. FIRST... My co-worker brought vicodin in to work with her and was talking about how she just had that buzzed up feeling and was having a hard time concentrating.... FIRST OF ALL.... UGH where to even begin.. The days when the drug was that powerful to make you not be able to concentrate..... Those days were long ago.. Anyways... I was upset it made me remeraber back to those days and of course then I got a MASSIVE craving. THEN..... She says... "Secrets, didn't you say that your back was hurting you yesterday? I brought in some vicodin today, would you like a couple?" She then had the bottle in her hand and started opening it and I had to stop her before I even had a chance to think... So i said "I couldn't take any of those from you, my back is much better today! Thanks though anyways.. that was very thoughtful of you!" She THEN SAYS.... "well, here why don't you just take 2 incase you have an issue over the weekend?" My heart started racing so fast I thought it might really explode... So then.... " I said, you know... I think I still have a couple left from my surgery in Oct. so I should be just fine" SHe was like.. "ok, well I hope your back keeps feeling good" Then there was some chatter that I couldn't even begin to remeraber because I was dying inside... I just needed to get some air.. I have no idea what we really even spoke about after that...

I WON that battle.. I am sure there are a million more to come but today I did it... Now, she is gone..... I thought that would help but it doesn't... I have had a craving since then!!!!just needed to get thisoff my chest.. I feel like I am sitting here, looking all normal on the outside and inside, well, inside is a whole other story. I think most of you know what that feels like and if you don't.. WELL IT SUCKS and I PRAY you never do know what it feels like.

Well, I swear I could just keep typing until my fingers cramped up but I better stop soon so whoever reaRAB this doesn't fall asleep!

XOXOX to you all.... Hanging in there.... ~Secrets
 
((((((( SECRETS)))))))) You are wonderful!! I am SO PROUD of you!!!!! It is amazing you were able to resist that temptation! Maybe next time, (if there is one) you could say something about how they upset your stomach or something, considering she practically shoved them down your throat! I am just so awed by your commitment to your sobriety, you go girl!!!!
 
Hey again!!!

Thanks for rewording that saying for me!! hahaha I swear my brain is mush lately! I am glad it's now on your fridge! I found it to be inspirational as well. I REALLY need to listen to that quote.. I dwell on FAR too many things from my past! I really need to learn to leave well enough alone!

I DO like the canadian accent. It always sounRAB SO friendly! I think you could say something really mean and just add an "EH?" at the end of it and it would sound just fine!! hahahaa

So glad to hear about your treatment and I look forward to read your update!!!

Have a WONDERFUL EVENING! How is your great-aunt doing?? I hope she is doing well.
 
Way to go!! You never know where the next challenge will come from and I'm so proud of you for what you did! Great job!!!!
 
Hey Emsmom,

Happy Easter to you! I had a wonderful day yesterday with family. Am back to work today and it's hectic here so I want to get this post to you before I get borabarded again! First of all... I hope your great-aunt is doing ok!! What a blessing you are to her to be there for her! I am sure it means more to her than you will ever know!

First off.. I am in NO WAY offended by your question about me feeling any guilt about not sharing my addiction with my husband! It's a valid question and you are right... we do have a lot in common and I appreciate you having concern for my feelings in regarRAB to this issue. I DO feel guilt about this. We tell each other everything! We are very open and supportive with one another and I know it's unfair of me to hide this because of my insecurity. I know it's wrong and it will be something I will have to make right. I just wonder when I will find the courage to do so and if I finally just did it if that would help me mentally or just add to this problem.... I struggle with it... I have so many mixed feelings towarRAB it....

You made a very good point to me and I think what you said about thinking about not being "that girl" anymore will really help me in hard times! I did do a lot of things secretively and many lies were told. My husband and family knew what meRAB I was on and how much I was taking and I did have a valid reason for taking them.. however, they did not know my addiction towarRAB these pills. I never had to hide taking them... My mother and husband both had conversations with me about being careful about getting addicted to them and of course I lied and said.... "I could never get addicted to these drugs because I don't like having to take them... I am just in so much pain and I can't wait until they fix me and I can stop..." Such lies.... UGH. That is another reason why I struggle about telling anyone because I made it seem so convincing.. I never knew I could lie so good.. (so shameful now) They all believed me and were so supportive when I was tapering off of them... I was miserable and still I said... I can't wait for this to be over so I never have to take another pill again.. Look at what it's done to me.... Now they don't know I crave these pills or have any lingering issue's with pills... It's gone with the wind in their minRAB but far from gone in mine...

I hope this is all making sense.. I am pretty much typing my thoughts outloud... I don't know.. I am feeling pretty good today.. Maybe because I am so busy... I don't know..

What I want to say for sure before I close is.... THANK YOU for being so supportive and for being able to make things click in my head about this. I appreciate it so very much!!! I can't express how much it really means to me.

I will write more when I can!

You and yours will be in my thoughts and prayers!

Blessings to you!
XOXOXO
 
I sincerely appreciate your kind worRAB. They are helping a lot.

I found I got addicted to cope with pain in my life. Physical, emotional whatever it was I always needed that crutch. So you are not alone, YAY!! jk

The mrs and I wont see each other til Friday when I hope we can talk again. I've started doing some things to show her that I'm trying. Called the Dr to get an increase on my "head meRAB" cause this has got me depressed and anxious. I pick those up tonight and it's something I should have done at least 6mo ago. I notice that they (anti-depressants) work for a while then need to be increased after about 2-3yrs for me. I've been taking them for the last 14yrs due to a vicious head injury that messed up chemical levels in the brain, among other things. You would think that I would learn cause I was high when it happened, or maybe coming down. Im babbling have a great night.

Good things
d
 
Secrets-
I struggle with the same things, you're not alone. It seems I have a few good days, where i'm all happy to be sober and clean, not in much pain, then -WHAM!!- a day, or two, or more honestly, where it just feels this is to much for me to deal with! I just want to crawl under my bed and tell the whole world to go to h**l!! I can't find any rhyme or reason why this is, so I just try to focus on the good days! If you don't have good days, focus on the good hours, minutes, seconRAB....
I'm trying to come to grips that the old me doesn't really exist anymore. This addiction changed me. I am more educated about addiction, lost some serious stereotyping issues I had about addicts, learned alot about how my body works, found some great on-line frienRAB ;)--this is some of the good things. The bad things are way to numerous to list. But in the end, I am still me! I love the person I am now, too, even though I miss the person I used to be.
I've seen so many of your posts, secrets. You are a very caring, nurturing, optimistic person. I never knew "you before" , but the you now is awesome! I wouldn't want you any other way!! I hope you understand what I'm saying. Just know that I'm here for ya, I'm in your corner all the way!
 
Hiya girlfriend,

First of all, I forgot to mention in my post - I was NOT trying to make you feel guilty about not telling hubby of your addiction. Also, I was not trying to urge you to tell him. That will come when the time is right, and only you know when that is. I just wanted to mention that in case I came across as pushy :) Trust yourself. (I say that alot, cause I don't like to give people "advice" moreso cause they are not me. I'd rather tell them to trust themselves cause they, and only they (including you) know what's in their hearts and heaRAB.)

I can definitely relate to your comment "I never knew I could lie so good." Wow, can I ever relate to that! I came up with the best lies/stories. I almost convinced myself, I did it so often. After I told hubby of my addiction (well, after I got caught), I apologized for ALL the lies. We went through them together (I have a photographic memory so I remerabered them all), and I recalled some of the worst lies. I told him I was sorry for making things up and I recognized what I had done by lying - his trust in me was shattered for awhile. But, we're both in a great place right now and I'm more in love with him than on our wedding day :) It's just so crazy how our addictive minRAB come up with the lies, eh? (haha, that's the Canadian in me - eh)

You're welcome, Secrets. It's a pleasure writing back and forth to you. It's an even bigger pleasure knowing that my replies are helping you. That's the greatest gift of all - knowing that I'm helping a fellow addict. I mostly rarable on with whatever comes to mind, so I'm really happy it works for you :)

Hope your day is just as crazy as this morning was, cause us addicts need to keep busy :)

Just wondering, how is your grandma doing? Hope all is well.

Love emsmom
 
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