Addiction and Shame PLEASE HELP!!!!

A

Anita M

New member
I am addicted to pain pills. I have a wonderful husband that hates that I take pills. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for years and I know that it has everything to do with my addiction. I will take pretty much anything as long as it gives me a buzz, and I've been dealing with this for about 10 years now. I go on binges with Vicodin, Tylenol #3, Oxyconitn, Ultram, Xanax, just about anything I can get my hanRAB on. I know I need to stop, and I have been trying to do it on my own. I really think I can do it, but I think I need serious help that I'm not sure I'm ready to come out with yet. My husband and frienRAB know that I'm a "pill popper", but I don't think they have a clue on just how bad it is.

My biggest problem right now is that I have been stealing pills from my husbanRAB Mom for about 5 years now. I beg my husband sometimes to fake back pain to get them, and we always end up fighting until I get my way. He hates doing it for me. I have been trying not to take any from her, but something took over today, and we went over to his parents house just so I could get my hanRAB on some. I know that his Mom knows, she's not a stupid woman, but I know she doesn't say anything because she doesn't want to start a confrontation.

I feel so much guilt and shame right now, and I can't find the nerve to tell anyone right now. I have so much anxiety and depression over it, that I don't know what to do to never do it again and to forgive myself.

I'm screaming inside and I don't know where to turn. I hate myself for doing this. I need to stop.

Please help!!!!!
 
I used to snort pills. I was never that bad but i drank alot. I found my best help in a hospital. I know you probably dont want to do that but ive been clean for 6 years. Your family will be more supportive than you think because it is better to ask for help than to suffer.
 
Anita, I can feel your pain thru your worRAB. I have been addicted to hydros over 10yrs now and I started out tapering, but have been without for 3 days, by my own choice. I have went ct many times in the past because I ran out or couldn't get anymore and like you I have realized I can't take this anymore. I started because of pain, but soon got hooked because of the energy and good feelings, and the shame and disgust for myself has eat me up. We all lie or steal in one way or another when your addicted, whether you make the pain sound worse as I have or call everyone I know who has been to a denist or Dr. for pain. You are no worse than anyone else that's addicted. My family knows I take pain pills but have no idea about how bad it is. I am to ashamed to tell them. I am a 55yr old grandmother and my shame has been unbearable at times. At least you husband knows the truth, mine don't. If you can get into re-hab please do, I have no insurance, if I did I think I would go but I'm not sure because of shame. You are not alone in this God is there for you and everyone on this board is. I think what I have done in the past to get hydros, the lying, cheating getting into frienRAB medicine cabinets, that it makes me so sick and disgusted. But I will get past it someday and so will you, please hang in there and commit to stopping and learn to hate the pills with everything in you, that's what I've had to do. I am praying for you will think about you tonite. I am in wd so I know now I need to think of someone else tonite and not just me. May God bless, LOL, Fiesty2
 
Hello Anita

Oh, Sister, do I ever understand the shame and guilt that consumes us when we are abusing pills. It is when we reach this point that it really becomes a turning point and we are able to find the courage to face the issue head-on. I used pain pills for about ten years and lots of heavy duty ones. Oh, the pain issues were legitimate, but somewhere I crossed the line and began using them for emotional issues as well and that is when the addiction beagn to evolve. They became an escape route for me and my misusing them that way led to ever deepening anxiety and depression. I began a downward spiral that ended in a total breakdown.

Then, and only then, was I finally ready to face the problem and through my whole being into fighting to restore my sanity and entire being. Oh, Anita, it was such a relief to have it out in the open with my doctor and family and closest frienRAB. All were so supportive... not only was there no condemnation, there was total care and support. My biggest regret was that I had waited so long to reqach out for help. I spld my doctor, family and frienRAB short in their capacity to love me and help me. What a dummy I was. Chuckles.


Beyond selling special people in my life short, I also had a tremendous fear of giving up the pills. Again, my own short-sightedness. Not only was I able to do it ( and yes, it was a difficult road), but I am happy without them, I am functioning well without them, I am a participant in life fully again and no longer hiding from living.

My first step was full disclosure, FULL, to my family doctor. After a sobbing confession, I was met with compassion and care and we then and there developed a plan for helping me to become free from the pills. Anita... the weight that was lifted from me that day is almost indescibable. Everything was lighter.. my heart, my step, my mind. Finally, finally, my energy was being expending not hiding my problem, but solving my problem.

We have but a limited time on Earth to make the most of our lives. Now is the time to face the fears and do it anyway. Now is the time to fully accept the problem and erabrace the solution. Now.

All best wishes and hope
reach
 
Anita, good morning.

Well, you found a good place here to vent your frustrations and emotions about your drug usage. No matter what, please make sure you keep posting your everyday feelings, good or bad; trust me, it feels good to get it out there. There are many here who are or have been in the past going thru exactly what you are going thru right now.

I too have abused drugs for a long time. Never got into the Xanacs, but was a heavy Oxycontin user for a long time, and a heavy cocaine abuser for years prior to that.

I hear you crying out for help here. Thank God you are realizing the mess you've gotten yourself into, but I guess thats inevitable after this long.
Now comes the hard part- you need to weigh the good things in your life against the fake pleasure the drugs give us. Remeraber the simple pleasures, like the sun against your face, or the pure innocence of a laughing child?

I thought I was always going to be a drug addict, and I guess i still am, but the difference today is that I am not using. Oh, life still throws negatives and curveballs at us, but when we are not using, it seems so wonderful! I can get up smiling now, instead of the first thought on my mind being " where am I going to get my fix"...and not being able to even cope without it...\

You CAN get the goodness back into your life, but, HOW BAD DO YOU WANT IT???

You know you need to do this. Take the first step. You can turn around the negative energies into positives. You have a husband that cares for you and loves you, it sounRAB to me like if you tell him you need/want to quit he will help you and support you thru this.

Keep posting your thoughts.

*hugs*

jerry.
 
Everybody, thank you for your replies. It feels good to be able to talk to someone about this with no judgement.

Today was a bad day for me. It was my day off work and I woke up craving pain pills. I couldn't get my hanRAB on any, and even though I haven't taken any in about 3 days now, I fell like I am having mental WRAB. I really want to stop, but I know that tomarrow my doc's going to fill a script for T3's. I know I won't be able to resist. I'll probably end up taking 60 of them in 4 days, like I always do, and then it's back to finding a way to get more.

This horrible cycle has to stop, but I can't seem to find a way without admiting myself. My husband neeRAB me to work, and even though I only work part time, we can't afford to get me decent help.

Again, thanks for the replies, I need to start turning to this site more often.
 
I hate myself right now, and I seriously need a blessing from God. :angel:

I feel as though I have too many addictions to conquer from pain meRAB, to benzos to cigarettes and alcohol.

My life is spiraling out of control and I feel as though I screw up everyday life for my husband and myself, mostly financially. Because of my addiction, I slack at work so much, and we're so broke because I'd rather spend the little money we have on pills and call into work so I can relax and enjoy my buzz.

My husband works a lot and is on hunt for a second job just so we can catch up on bills. He tries to be as supportive as possible(we made a promise to each other that we would never fight about money), so he tries to hold in his anger when I call off work. I know he's frustrated with me. It's my fault. If the drugs didn't have such a grip on me, than I would be stable enough to handle a full time job and we wouldn't be in such financial ruin.

These pills are controlling our lives, and my poor husband is trying his hardest to pick up the slack financially for me, just to avoid an arguement.

He is a really good guy, but he doesn't understand why I can't just quit and be done with the pills (even though he's addicted to marijuana), so I try to compare my addiction to his, but I still don't think he really gets it. Maybe he just has more confidence in me that I can do it than I do. All I know is that I'm at the end of my rope, and I have responsibilities that aren't getting done because of this terrible disease.

The sad part is, is that I can't wait until morning when I can pick up my script for T3s.

I am severely depressed and have major anxiety issues, and I know that I can't conquer the depression and anxiety until I kick this habit for good.

Drugs are my biggest crutch, and I can't seem to function properly with them, and for now, I can't seem to funtion without them.

I have a long road to recovery, unfortunatly, I don't know if I have the strength right now. The shame and guilt are encompassing me, and I need the courage to kick all of my shameful habits.

Most days, I just want to give up and just come to the realization that I'm an addict, but I fear that the depression will get the better of me, which isn't an option. Even with all of my problems, my husband neeRAB me. Sometimes I feel as though I'm living just for him. I also fear that someday I may accidently overdose and never wake up. I couldn't bear to have my husband, family and frienRAB to have to go through that.

I recently had 2 frienRAB die of drug related deaths. One, an accident, the other a suicide. I believe that suicide is selfish, and I was brought up Catholic, so I believe in hell. I know I could never kill myself, but like I said, I'm scared of an accidental OD that could leave my family in ruins.

I need serious help and I am feeling at one of my all time lowest right now.

I am greatful for this healtrabroadoard and all of the positive feedback from everyone. I could use all the help I can get.:confused:
 
I met a girl who had little or no insurance and the hospital we were at helped her get a bed at a 21 day program. Dont let that stop you. Your bills will be there when you get home. But your health and sanity wont if you dont get help. Your family could help out for awhile? There are ways if you are willing. NA meetings are a good start. You can meet people who understand you better than you understand yourself. They will also know alot of resources out there that can be of help. Just ask for help. People do care and understand addiction. Thats why there are programs to help because you cant do this on your own.
 
It seems like you got it bad. I had a vic addiction for 2 years, but just decided I was done. I still have the pain, but I just went through the WD's and feel great. I was taking 5-7 a day and cut it back slowly to 2 and then none. The WD hit me hard but after only 4 days I was feeling great. I still have the terrible headaches I had, but I don't plan to get hooked again. Not even take them again. I just had to decide in my own head this was not the way I wanted to live. I have energy now and wake up feeling good. I am surprised it was so quick, but I was not as bad as many. Good luck. It feels great.
 
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