I need to write a poem including a telephone conversation for my English A level. I have managed to write one, but my opinion of it is low, and to be honest it doesn't seem very poem like.
Opinions pleasee, If it is awful do give me some constructive advice.
Oh, and is it too obvious what the prisoner is?
Thanks
The receiver;
Cold and heavy in my hand. Hard against my skin.
The numbers;
Slowly pressed , the thought of your voice makes me shiver and the prisoner begins its battle.
The ringing;
An annoyance, something I long to stop.
But replaced by the increasing volume
Of the prisoner, as it tries to escape
Its cage; so strongly structured
So tightly bound.
“Hello”
The voice so soft and soothing. But damaging to the prisoner inside.
“Hey”
“Are you okay?”
No, not with a prisoner so adamant to escape.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Are you?”
“Yes I am. I’ve missed you.”
The cage wears thin,
It grows stronger.
Too strong.
The feeling of those words rising in my throat,
Almost reaching the tip of my tongue.
I will not let it escape.
“I have missed you too.”
It didn’t.
A woman, giggling;
The cage collapsed.
The prisoner tortured.
Unrepairable Damage.
But not for the first time, he does it frequently.
“I’m sorry, is it okay to call you back later? I‘m with a friend”
The crushing weight of the cage.
“…..sure.”
“okay…goodbye”
“Bye”
The dialing tone.
I love you.
I’d love to let the prisoner go,
But I fear the damage it will do.
Yet keeping it entrapped is damaging too.
Thanks...Its my first attempt at ever writing a poem and i appreciate the advice
I was thinking changing the narrative of it; from first to third.
So it'd be "Cold and heavy in the hand of its captor. Hard against her skin"...."the thought of your voice makes her shiver and the prisoner begins its battle..."
Opinions pleasee, If it is awful do give me some constructive advice.
Oh, and is it too obvious what the prisoner is?
Thanks
The receiver;
Cold and heavy in my hand. Hard against my skin.
The numbers;
Slowly pressed , the thought of your voice makes me shiver and the prisoner begins its battle.
The ringing;
An annoyance, something I long to stop.
But replaced by the increasing volume
Of the prisoner, as it tries to escape
Its cage; so strongly structured
So tightly bound.
“Hello”
The voice so soft and soothing. But damaging to the prisoner inside.
“Hey”
“Are you okay?”
No, not with a prisoner so adamant to escape.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Are you?”
“Yes I am. I’ve missed you.”
The cage wears thin,
It grows stronger.
Too strong.
The feeling of those words rising in my throat,
Almost reaching the tip of my tongue.
I will not let it escape.
“I have missed you too.”
It didn’t.
A woman, giggling;
The cage collapsed.
The prisoner tortured.
Unrepairable Damage.
But not for the first time, he does it frequently.
“I’m sorry, is it okay to call you back later? I‘m with a friend”
The crushing weight of the cage.
“…..sure.”
“okay…goodbye”
“Bye”
The dialing tone.
I love you.
I’d love to let the prisoner go,
But I fear the damage it will do.
Yet keeping it entrapped is damaging too.
Thanks...Its my first attempt at ever writing a poem and i appreciate the advice
I was thinking changing the narrative of it; from first to third.
So it'd be "Cold and heavy in the hand of its captor. Hard against her skin"...."the thought of your voice makes her shiver and the prisoner begins its battle..."