a new poem, advice? good? bad?

B

Bethany

New member
In her room, alone, by herself
She cries when there's nothing else
She's sad, she's hurt, she's scared, she's fucked up
Her parents said so themselves, they don't give a fuck
No one sees what he does, she's nothing to the naked eye
When everyone else looks at her, they see nothing, a lie
But when he looks, he sees something more
He can see beyond her scars, deep down into her core
He can see beyond her past, her life, and disbelief
He takes her heart for himself, like he's some kind of thief
She does the same to him, and they grow to love each other
She tells him everything, there's nothing that she has to cover
She's happy for once in her life, but then goes home again
She opens the door, holds her breath, and then counts to ten
1 2 3 4, Beth! Where have you been?!!?
She couldn't even get to 6, then got a door in her face
"I want you gone, you stupid bitch, get the fuck outta this place!"
She runs with no destination in sight, she doesn't know what to do
So she runs to him, gives him the story, and he says, "don't worry baby, i got you"
"Things will change, we've got each other, and now we'll be together"
She looks up into his eyes and cries, as he promises her forever
That's her story, a happy ending, as far as she can see
Then she wakes up in a daze, wishing that's how her life would be
 
I liked it well enough. I don't really like how the first four lines don't rhyme, yet the rest of the poem does. I dunno, it just doesn't appeal to me. But other than that, I liked it a lot.
 
It is mediocre poetry.
Like, there's no extended thinking involved.
A child could probably pick it up and understand it.
Also the plot is very very common.
No offense, but it sounds very middle school-ish.
I used to write things like this in 6th grade.
And why don't the first four lines have an AB rhyming pattern like the rest of the poem?

Remember, using curse words in a poem is almost never appropriate.
It shows your lack of vocabulary.
"Hell", and "Damn" are fine, but try not to go overboard with the profanity.

Don't add so much dialogue, and do add more imagery.
You want to leave your readers thinking, "Wow, that was absolutely amazing".
 
I liked it well enough. I don't really like how the first four lines don't rhyme, yet the rest of the poem does. I dunno, it just doesn't appeal to me. But other than that, I liked it a lot.
 
I liked it well enough. I don't really like how the first four lines don't rhyme, yet the rest of the poem does. I dunno, it just doesn't appeal to me. But other than that, I liked it a lot.
 
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