Clive Buton
New member
Im guy at 17 years, and have Asperger's Syndrome. I've had many childhood problems (bullying even by my father, rejected by my friends) and didn't want to trust my Intuition anymore as I was hurt too much, and since I was ONLY 8 Years old I began to live inside my head. As I had Asperger's I was seen as strange, and when I acted more social they labelled me as I have gone crazy or gay....so now I find it difficult to try to change. Also, since last week I began feeling anxious around people I don't know, but ok with my friends...I've re-searched and found out a thing called depersonalization and it matches many of my feelings and actions....the strange thing is that this "DEPERSONALIZATION" occurs only with people I don't know....for example when I am in a bus full of people I tend to avoid looking at people, and can't show my true self....but I find no problem with people I get to know well.....It really sucks because I would like to be friends with everyone, but find it too difficult to get out of the "ME", and get on with others....its like I close myself with people I don't know, and re-open with people I know well...Another problem is that as I think about everything I'm going to do, for example we had a discussion today at school, and I had many things to say, but I began thinking if what I will say will be right, if I seem awkward if I speak suddenly, as I uslly am very quiet, then I start feeling nervous and my heart beating, as I know that if I don't talk they will see me as strange, but at the same time unsure if what I say if I'll talk will be appropriate. Again, this anxiety doesn't happen with people that I know that they know me well and feel comfortable with them as I know that they will accept me, or accept any mistakes I do.... I also think too much about how people that I don't know will see me or what they may be thinking of me when they see me...but again this doesn't feel when I am with my friends, I feel relaxed even in a big crowd of people and dont think negatively.I also have a problem about how I act around people I don't know(for example: there is a person and I say to myself "Can I look at him or not?? But usually I don't look at him, so now what will he think?? That I am crazy?? When I look at someone(rarely) I do it in a strange way, as if I force myself to look at someone I don't know(this could be Aspergers problem)...I am obsessed with having a mental illness because I really don't know what else it might be....I did every test of mental illness but didn't result positive in any of them...