5 days With no Hydro

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Julie Lawrence

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Congrats gonnarecover!!!:D:angel:

About your energy level. My uneducated guess would be that your body has been fighting a raging war with withdrawal. It's gotten you through the thoughest part, now it may be asking you for a favor.

You are doing all the right things. :) It may be that your body and your mind have seperate goals right now.:dizzy: Personally, I would bow to the body, it has been pulling some serious overtime lately.

Try not to put too much on your plate, task wise. You could end up feeling bad about yourself, if you hit a speed bump.

VACATION!!!!! That's just what you need!!!!:cool:

I have to say, I do not think I would have faired as well as you have, If I had not quit my job prior to attempting this.

You are my hero!!!:)

With you all the way...

Julie
 
Life seems good today...day #7 - NO HYDRO!!!! YIPPEE! I had the best night last night. I FINALLY found energy...was super happy...cleaned for the first time in a week for a couple hours and cooked dinner and actually ate. I started feeling good yesterday as soon as I got out of the house.

Listed to Joel Osteen on TV last night too...he is inspirational to me. It helped...he spoke right to me.

Just wanted to let you all know that the night of Day 6 for me felt like a turning point. I hope it still stays this way. I know I will still struggle but I have seen some light. I have learned I can be happy, creative, social, and do all the normal things people do without taking a pill. I felt "on top of the world." It just hit me out of the blue. :) As you know, yesterday morning I was feeling hopeless and sad. I guess I just need to KNOW that I will feel this way sometimes but I AM NOT going to let myself be defeated. I feel excited about this. I am So proud of myself for keeping on pushing and believing.
 
I admire you for your courage and positive thinking. Gives me hope as well. Sometimes I want to do it cold-turkey so bad, but it's just too brutal. Again...you give me hope in the matter.

So glad it turned around for you on night six. That is great. I'm sure there will be some peaks and valleys as everyone says, but I know you will clirab out of those valleys. You are doing so good and a huge inspiration for us still on the drugs. You all are!

:wave:
 
Thank you Reach...so very inspirational. :)

I related to so many things you wrote. The part about never imagining yourself being on pills before you began...so true here too. I used to look at "those" people like they were so messed up and remeraber thinking "I could never live like that." Aha...boy I was wrong. I am one of "those" people.

And definitely, I have felt some of that sense of accomplishment these last 5 days to do things while NOT on a pill. Example: I took my daughter shopping on day 2 (and even though I am a woman...I absolutely HATE shopping...lol) that was super hard...I didn't wanna but I kept (continuously) reminding myself how I could get thru it and needed to do it for my daughter, as she was leaving on a short trip that afternoon. I would be regretting not taking her if I hadn't and I try always to do what I need to do for my children, no matter what.

I haven't cleaned not once this week (and I am Ms. White Gloves)...maybe I cleaned off the kitchen counter, adjusted some rugs, picked up a few things, but that's probably it. I have had a friend helping me clean on a daily basis...she's making sure I eat SOMETHING, helping with my kiRAB, and has been doing anything she can to help. This person is the person I call my enabler...and she has been a huge support and listens to me talk for hours about what I think...although I worry she could buckle if I were to totally freak out bad. I am doing everything I can to not freak out and honestly, I have to say I think I have handled it very well. I have stayed out of the house as much as I can because it does remind me of my addiction...I spent alot of my free time hiding out here and those memories are hard to face still. But when I am home, I pretty much am or either trying to sleep, hanging with the kiRAB or am here on this site reading away. But even so I feel I have done good...I know there is so much more work to do because I am definitely still very cloudy on what comes next.

The part about it becoming a passion...it really hit me because I honestly do feel like it is my passion to recover. I am and always have been an achiever type...in alot of ways, I am challenged by this and I love a good challenge. :)

I am still scared about feeling "normal." And still think about the high. So I realize the road is still very long. My faith that I really am in recovery is growing stronger by the minutes, hours and days that are passing. But too, my brain still thinks I am on it for some reason. I haven't quite "seen" myself as clean and off them for good. I can't wait til my brain just knows it. And til I really do learn how to JUST be me.

I feel so hopeful right now at this moment. I feel fine. I am going to take it day by day. And hope to find a piece of myself every day also.

I would be crazy if I didn't have my one friend that knows about my addiction and this site and the web. It does take listening and talking. I may try NA...still nervous about putting myself out there locally like that about my addiction, as I have a very public and professional job.

Thank you so very much for your time and your worRAB of encouragement. Just know that someone out there in the world right now (ME!!!) is more hopeful because you took the time to talk to them. I hope to one day help others and hope maybe I am already helping others by sharing my thoughts.
 
Julie Lawrence,

Please address the concerns of the original poster, and start a new thread for your own issues.

I have moved your post to a new thread:
"Lortab withdrawals"
 
Thanks for your worRAB of encouragement. Every day seems to be better. :)

I was always so scared I would end up in rehab. Well sometimes I just wanted to go there and get the help I needed...but mostly, it was a place I couldn't see myself. Did you check yourself in?

:wave:
 
Gonnarecover,

I feel oddly goodish today. Day 6-7, I am losing count, I think that may be a good thing though.

I cant believe I was taking 4 sometimes 4 1/2 lortab 10 at a time...WOW!!! I weigh 110Lbs. My poor liver must hate me.

NO CRAVINGS AT ALL!:D
COLOR IS COMING BACK INTO MY, ONCE GRAY FACE.

I think I may even go outside and bath my parott today! (No hidden meaning here.) I am really going to bath my parott!:jester:

Glad to hear you are doing so well.:D

Happy days ahead!!!

Julie
 
Hi...thanks...I am drinking the drink MONSTER daily...I have to or I would go nowhere. I only had very few muscle relaxers the first week to pass out...haven't had any this week I don't believe. Downers aren't my thing at ALL...no worries about those!! I like a hyper high. I do have an addictive personality...I realize this. BUT I have quit drinking coffee since the detox...maybe had it 3 or 4 times in this many days...when I used to drink coffee at LEAST 3 times a day. So a monster or 2 is replacing it I suppose. I just don't like the taste of hot coffee anymore. IDK. Thanks though. I am watching myself...trying to find the feel good feeling by my actions and not substances. :)
 
BTW...what's so wrong with Monsters? The fact that I may drink them daily? Or is something bad in them I don't realize? They have been my saviour for energy but not completely doing the trick anymore. Uh OH!! Haha. :)
 
Hi...I am on day 5 of quitting hydro's (10's)cold turkey. I have been reading here and I have found MUCH inspiration. Thank you. I am glad I found this...I need a voice about this. Only one person in my life knows about my addiction...which is my enabler. And this person I know meant well for me but ultimately...on one good day last week when I was high and feeling good...I told her, she's gotta stop getting them for me. I never bought the drugs...all was given to me by a friend. I would whine about pain and I would get them.

Been addicted for over 2 years now...all started with tooth pain rx. It was slow at first...1 pill a day for about 3 months...then 2 pills a day for the next year...then for the last 9 months, it's been anywhere from 2-4.5 per day. I have wanted to quit since I started...I knew what I was doing was wrong but the feeling was so incredible, I couldn't shake it. I have felt EXTREMELY lost the last 2 years of my life and have felt much much guilt because of the mental addiction. Ashamed. It changed my entire life, which amazes me. I don't know who I am anymore. Also, I am a single mother of 2 children, this is where it hurt...to know my kiRAB had a mom who was a drug addict.

Every one says take some sick days when detoxing...I haven't...I have stayed busy every day so far...no laying around but lots of walking around and my normal exercise regimen too, as I do work out regularly. It truly has been my saviour to stay busy. If I would be just laying there...I would go insane. Loud music has helped too...I know this sounRAB nuts but it keeps me from thinking sooo sooo much. I have taken about 4 total muscle relaxers to fall asleep 2 nights and have been drinking monsters alot to give me a little high. I took ibuprofen once during the 1st 24 hours. Can't eat at all...just don't wanna...but have made sure to stay hydrated...it's super hot where I live.

So day 1 and 2 was extreme...had body aches and pain, the craving was intense, had major cold sweats, yawns (omg...i hated the yawns) and was quite agitated...the night of day 2 I did sleep 10 hours and woke up feeling fantastic on morning of day 3. Day 3 was better...actually pretty good...not much pain...just mental clouidness but still had the craving...but that night...the worst night...crying uncontrollably...intensely emotional and psychotic feeling. Day 4 was ok...I woke up and didn't even think about taking a pill but my emotions were super severe...crying at the drop of the hat...pitiful.

So today is day 5, I didn't want a pill when I woke up. Weird. I didn't even think about it for 2 days now when I woke up like usual. I have some neck pain, feel lost, still slightly emotional but too, proud and amazed at myself.

What I miss the most at this point is the high I got. And the mental freedom it gave me. Wow...I am obviously not such a techno color person in real life without pills. Things feel boring, uninteresting and I am not motivated to do anthing. I used to plan my life around taking the pill. If I was going somewhere, or needed to work, or the break I took every night...a pill and a half and some coffee...my entire world revolved around that next pill.

I can say at this point, I do realize I do not need the pills. I can't say if presented with one that i wouldn't take one...I feel at this point I may would take it or may not. I am determined and am going to do this. This is the longest I have ever been without in over 2 years and even though I feel alot of stuff I don't wanna feel...I do feel anxious and excited to start my new life.

Just needed to share. Any helpful stories about how your life has changed would be helpful. I know there is a light and that I can do this but sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel normal and process life normally again.

Thank you.
 
GonnaRecover, it is my pleasure to respond to you on here. I'm still inspired by your cold turkey attempt and success. However, I messed up on my tapering today by taking a little more tramadol than I should have. :( I posted a self-loathing thread in "A young tramadol user..." to let everyone know. I feel so guilty and mad. Almost so mad I just want to flush the rest down the toilet and make myself do cold-turkey. Of course I won't...it'd be nice, though.

By the way, I love your name on here. Very defiant.
Haha, mine's named after my favorite My Morning Jacket song. I couldn't think of anything else.

KEEP AT IT. :wave:
 
Wow. It amazes me how true your story is and I felt compelled to respond.

First of all, congratulations on 5 days. Especially cold turkey. And it's normal to still feel a little out of place, but it seems like you're doing well. Everyone says it will get better and we can only trust them. Most would recommend a taper, but it's hard. And if you've already made it 5 days there is no point in turning back.

I am also a pain pill addict. I have been taking tramadol since I was 15. I'm now 21. So I started at a very young age. That may make it harder for me to let go. Who knows? I finally discussed wanting to get off with my doctor and he is slowly tapering me off of the tramadol. You can find my story in the "A young tramadol user..." thread.

Tramadol is technically much weaker than hydrocodone, but the withdrawals are just as bad if not worse and the addiction is in the same scope, so I know where you're coming from. Tramadol is my drug-of-choice, but if I ran out early I always went on the hunt for hydrocodone. Tramadol is hard to find on the streets. Hydrocodone was fine with me if I couldn't get tramadol.

You mentioned that you base your whole life's schedule around the pills. That shook me to the bone, because it so true and exactly how I feel. The fact that someone else is the same just chills me. If I ever happened to run out early, I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to. You're right; it seems that everything is just plain and boring without the pills. I'm scared to face life without them when my tapering is complete.

You also mentioned your kiRAB. Do not feel guilty over your addiction because of your children. They had nothing to do with it, right? They are oblivious. I have a daughter on the way. She is due in August. This is one reason why I'm wanting to get clean. I'm scared to be sober...but I'm going to have a daughter, and I have a wonderful girlfriend who is supportive (soon to be wife;)) and I'm getting a very well-paying, reliable job...but like you...I'm going to miss the high.

Wanting that high back is probably the worst part of the battle. You will overcome. You think you feel better now? Wait until a month from now. You will be feeling high off of your success. I'm not really speaking from experience, just a daydream. Since I've been dependent on tramadol Ive only made it about 3 or 4 days, but I can only imagine the rapture I'd feel if I finished withdrawal and actually woke up refreshed. DO NOT TURN BACK! :wave:
 
Gonnarecover,

Cold spoons....I'll give it a try. Thanks for the advice.

That feeling deceptive. I am sure I'll be coming in and out for a while longer, seeing that the pain is returning. Concentrating on finding another way around the pain.

It helps that I am not working.

Hope you hit an upswing soon!

Julie
 
Thanks...howcouldiknow...your worRAB mean alot. I too got chills when you admitted you felt the same way about how you base your life around the pills. For a long time, til now I guess, i felt like I was the only one...alone with that thought.

About my addiction mixed with the guilt for my children comes from how I acted when I didn't have my pill. I couldn't do anything...focus on anything...or really be there COMPLETELY. My every thought was how and WHEN would I get that next one.

I read your post...the whole long thing...lol. I see your struggles...I too have tried the taper off thing countless times. Never did work for me. There was always something that would come up, and pretty quickly, that would put me right back to "normal" and sometimes worse.

I have done well today...no crying. Ahhh...lol! I feel ok...not really any pain. But still can't eat or stop moving around. I used to could rest whenever...now I feel trapped in a world of anxiety and constant movement. It is driving me nuts! But it's easy compared to the first few days of detox. Although, today...I have no motivation. Today is the first day since I stopped taking them that I haven't worked or ran around doing stuff. I have somehow managed to do nothing but move from room to room in my house for more than 8 hours. That aggravates me...I used to could do everything and quickly...when I had a pill. I was a functioning addict. But then again, if I didn't have it...I wasn't functioning at all. I still daydream about what it would be like to feel high again. Can't wait til I shake that dream cuz it's a sucky one. :)
 
It's only been 2 weeks for you and it's going to take a lot longer for your full enery to come back and for those natural endorphins to kick in you know. Try to be as active as possible, eat nutritionally, maybe take a multi-vitamin with extra B vitamins for energy, get enough sleep, and get out in the sun for a good while every day. If you do all of that you will definitely speed up the process of recovering. Just remeraber it take a full 1 year for you body and brain to completely heal and recover.

brian
 
So glad to hear you are doing well. I am staying on my taper and looking forward to being able to be counting clean days!

Keep up the hard work. Here's hoping you start seeing life in vivid techicolor again soon!
 
Keep up the hard work. Reach out for support when you feel you need it. Joel Osteen is awesome and keep those channels and support lines open.
 
GonnaRecover:
Your story really touched me because, your story and mine share a lot of similiarities. I too started with Hydrocodone because of a toothache and my dad felt bad because I was so busy with my career that I just didn't take the time to go to the dentist and since dad had cancer, he was well stocked with a variety of pain meRAB. Unfortunately, I've always been someone who has had a high resistance to pain meRAB, so normal dosages just didn't work for me and I ended up experimenting until I found relief from the pain. One day, I took an extra pill and I experienced my first real high with H/C and I admit that I loved how it made me feel and addict was borne. Unfortunately my dad's cancer progressed and the doc's were always changing pain meRAB and dosages, so there were always lots of drugs to be had and in the meantime, a doc finally diagnosed the cause of severe headaches that I had been experiencing for years - I had actually broken a vertebrae in my neck that was impinging upon my spinal column - now I had a justification for my addiction - If a doc is prescribing these meRAB, then taking them is okay - right? As my world progresses, work is getting busier, dad is getting sicker and the wife and kiRAB are supportive of where I am at, but not really understanding the personality changes until one day, after my second neck surgery to repair things, my dad has died and the world revolves around whether I have enough pills and I finally snap - I'm drugged all the time, I can barely care for myself and I've been neglecting my wife and kiRAB, so I take the zip lock bag containing all of the various meRAB that have been prescribed and toss everything down the toilet - I know that I don't have the willpower to taper, cold turkey was the only thing that would work. I went through hell, had two seizures from the withdrawals and a lot of sleepless nights - I can still remeraber the lowest point, when I was watching Ed, Edd and Eddy with my kiRAB and my mind started to create it's own story line to go with the cartoon - to this day, I'm not sure how much of the cartoon was real and how much my mind created, but the experience convinced me that I needed to talk to someone.

As addicts, we lose our sense of normality, we need to talk with people who have shared our experiences, to appreciate just how screwed up we are and to give us a sense of what normal is for everybody else. I called a friend who is a recovering alcoholic, a guy that I respected and someone that I knew I could trust. I knew that I wasn't a big meeting guy, not really a twelve step person, but I needed someone to tell me that the insomnia was normal, the leg pains were real but they would get better, and at the end of this journey, I would emerge as a better person. It's been a long, painful journey and over the last seven years, I've experienced a lot of ups and downs, but I've emerged a better person with a different appreciation for life and my priorities are much more aligned with who I want to be and not guided so much by what I wanted to achieve - an important distinction.

So what do I have to offer you is this, you have nothing to be erabarrassed about, in time you will feel more comfortable talking to others about your addiction, but you are not the first and unfortunately you will not be the last to abuse prescription meRAB. Talk to those you trust, find those who share your life experiences and remeraber that you didn't become an addict overnight, you can't become clean in a few days.

Good Luck and when you start to wonder what is normal, just ask.
 
GonnaRecover, you're a great mother. To take your daughter shopping on day two of opioid detox :eek: I would have been so tense and anxious and that would have been hard to hide, but I bet it kind of took your mind off things at least a little, right?

Wow - you said another thing that I can relate to. Pacing the whole house! Whenever I'd have to face withdrawal I would walk around and around the whole house. Feeling jittery and so tired at the same time. It's exhausting.

I must ask this and forgive me if you've already mentioned this - but how are your sleeping arrangements? I found sleeping was nearly impossible during withdrawal. Most recent time was, before I started tapering I had to go through a whole day of withdrawal in April because I ran out early. I couldn't sit still in the bed. Was constantly in and out of the covers with the T.V. on. My girlfriend got frustrated, but was so supportive. Finally at 4 a.m. I gave up as I was anxiously awaiting for 8 o'clock to pick up my refill and I just got up and turned on all the lights. She got up with me. It does help to have someone with you that is supportive and knows your problem. My girlfriend understanRAB addiction anyway. Way before we met she was drinking and taking hydrocodone (among other things) just about everyday. Right after we met she just quit it all cold-turkey. That's strength! She's lucky the alcohol withdrawal didn't hurt her, though. Now she's pregnant and completely changed - HATES drugs. But so supportive of my tramadol dependency. I'm very lucky.

HANG INTHERE :wave:
 
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