Well I wrote all this because im not looking for an answers (do this so do that) from people that don’t know whats happening so I tried to tell everything so hopefully if they have the energy to read all this will understand and give me a good answer.
Hey, I just don’t know what to do no more im 19 years old living in new york and im absolutely desperate...in 2006 I was so depressed that I tried to jump off from a bridge I was so close to do it but a lot of people and police officers convinced me to don’t do it..well I fell in the trap …since that I have never been the same(I have became very emotional and I don’t know why) im here in new york just to build a better future for me and my family but this city is so materialist and people just use you if you have something important for them (car so they can hang out with you, own apartment so they can bring they re gf to your house, make parties etc) I don’t have none of that so no one care about me, some girls ask me to go out and have fun but I don’t like them (I cant tell that so I just tell them that im broke etc) and the ones I like (I just think what’s the point of having fun if I will not have the real fun {sex}) mainly because I live with my mother, grandpa, and uncle and the apartment just have ONE room, in that room I have to share everything with my mother including bed which mean im losing one of the things that human need and 100% of my “friends and msn ppl” do…I hate it…but cant do nothing about that., WHY? Because I cant find a job not even in mcdonalds I have been looking for jobs, and this week along I submitted applications to EIGHT different jobs..surprise I haven’t received any calls. So all I do is stay in my room 24/7 broke and depressed. At least I finished H.S but know I don’t know what to study and my English is very bad …yeah my bad English has helped me a lot to became more anti-social and unsecure of myself…my miserable life don’t end there I was abused several times when I was 9, I don’t plan to tell anyone (and if im telling this here is because no one in here know me) I think that’s helping me to be depressed and sometimes having dreams with men raping me and I wake up in some rare positions…you know is so embarrassing I know my mother wont tell me but she have seen me… maybe she think im gay or something but I cant tell what happened to anyone… well now I still here filling applications without having fun and throwing away my youngest year.. in 2007 was working saved some money but for some stupid things people do I got fired wow wasn’t even my foul but that’s my fcking destiny…I took the money I saved I spent it in my natal country. I have a lot of there (I rent a car, have money and is a third world country which mean you will look like rich) I have real friends there…at least I can talk to everybody without looking like an idiot (because my English) exp of having a girls etc etc etc…maybe you say oh well go to your country then, but I cant is third world country and there is no future there I want to make my own house in my country , buy a car in here, move with my mother and have privacy (own bed own room), but seems like its not happening anytime soon I don’t want give up already because I know how fun and good life can turn but im so tired already, the isolation and pain is killing me and if this continue like that ill have two options borrow my friend gun and start robbing or some stupid ish or just kill my self and I know is just matter of time I take that decision…
Hey, I just don’t know what to do no more im 19 years old living in new york and im absolutely desperate...in 2006 I was so depressed that I tried to jump off from a bridge I was so close to do it but a lot of people and police officers convinced me to don’t do it..well I fell in the trap …since that I have never been the same(I have became very emotional and I don’t know why) im here in new york just to build a better future for me and my family but this city is so materialist and people just use you if you have something important for them (car so they can hang out with you, own apartment so they can bring they re gf to your house, make parties etc) I don’t have none of that so no one care about me, some girls ask me to go out and have fun but I don’t like them (I cant tell that so I just tell them that im broke etc) and the ones I like (I just think what’s the point of having fun if I will not have the real fun {sex}) mainly because I live with my mother, grandpa, and uncle and the apartment just have ONE room, in that room I have to share everything with my mother including bed which mean im losing one of the things that human need and 100% of my “friends and msn ppl” do…I hate it…but cant do nothing about that., WHY? Because I cant find a job not even in mcdonalds I have been looking for jobs, and this week along I submitted applications to EIGHT different jobs..surprise I haven’t received any calls. So all I do is stay in my room 24/7 broke and depressed. At least I finished H.S but know I don’t know what to study and my English is very bad …yeah my bad English has helped me a lot to became more anti-social and unsecure of myself…my miserable life don’t end there I was abused several times when I was 9, I don’t plan to tell anyone (and if im telling this here is because no one in here know me) I think that’s helping me to be depressed and sometimes having dreams with men raping me and I wake up in some rare positions…you know is so embarrassing I know my mother wont tell me but she have seen me… maybe she think im gay or something but I cant tell what happened to anyone… well now I still here filling applications without having fun and throwing away my youngest year.. in 2007 was working saved some money but for some stupid things people do I got fired wow wasn’t even my foul but that’s my fcking destiny…I took the money I saved I spent it in my natal country. I have a lot of there (I rent a car, have money and is a third world country which mean you will look like rich) I have real friends there…at least I can talk to everybody without looking like an idiot (because my English) exp of having a girls etc etc etc…maybe you say oh well go to your country then, but I cant is third world country and there is no future there I want to make my own house in my country , buy a car in here, move with my mother and have privacy (own bed own room), but seems like its not happening anytime soon I don’t want give up already because I know how fun and good life can turn but im so tired already, the isolation and pain is killing me and if this continue like that ill have two options borrow my friend gun and start robbing or some stupid ish or just kill my self and I know is just matter of time I take that decision…