Wow!!!

S

Spiffs C.O.

New member
Okay, here goes several reasons why my life is a big fatty piece of monkey shit. Can you feel my anger? It's there, but it also just so happens to be *very* amusing to outsiders.
-I ride a ferry to school every morning and pull 12 hour days, and then people say I'M a slacker. Well, fuck them...
-I mislabeled ONE thing in Chem and suddenly I'm retared. Well, once again, FUCK THEM.
-My best friend has been getting action from my other friend for two months and just now decided to tell me when I asked point blank after I saw them together. They made out MY COUCH, goddamit. TWICE. Some friend.
-I live on a fucking rock. No I am not joking.
-Fucking SAT's and college fucking admissions officers. I have enough problems without them...
-When I am talking someone inevitably tells me to shut up. When I am shut up, someone inevitably tells me to commence talking. WTF?! make up your stupid mind.
-I am taking care of my sisters horse who insists on trying to run me over and stomp on me, not to mention provoking llama lady who is already a bitch.
-My guy friend just replaced me with a fat bleached blonde skank ho that puts out to everyone in their cousins uncles sisters pet chihuahua. it's disgusting.
-I have a stalker who is incredibly arrogant and thinks he is the next big thing and insists on grabbing my waist and molesting me, but he really he is just GROSS and has a funny nose and is really mean and tells me I am ugly. If I am ugly, THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STALKING ME MOTHER FUCKER!?
-I constantly find myself defending the honor of autistic kids, who then sit with me everyday.
-My twitchy, agnostic, acne-fied friend is getting more action than I am.
-I am getting sick.
-I would rather have appendicitis than go to school. All my classes are shit and should not even require my attendance.
Get all this and more for just one low price! I know someone wants to swap me. There are plenty of people out there who must have shittier lives than me.
 
Okay, I'm game. Please allow me, point by point, to give some unwanted and possibly life-capsizing advice. What the hell, could turn out to work or just be laying-on-the-sidewalk-pissing-yourself funny.

1.) Before I even get started: Paragraphs. I know that you were detailing line-item by line-item why your life sucks harder than a supermassive black hole, but at the end, I had to replace my eyes.

2.) I don't know where you live, but riding a ferry every day doesn't exactly strike me as a fun time to be had by all. Perhaps a little clarification: Are you going to school on top of working 12 hour days? If so, when do you sleep?!? In either case, anyone who could even suggest you're a slacker should get a fucking clue.

3.) Mislabeling anything remotely related to chemistry can be a clusterfuck/self-pwn of epic proportions. However, humans make mistakes, and just living up to this doesn't make one retarded. Calling someone retarded for making a simple mistake does.

4.) Not that I think your friends shouldn't be up front with you (especially if they're involved with your couch in some way), but it's really their business if they want to hook up, and you shouldn't really concern yourself with it. It's just a lot of emotional drama, and you're allowing your life to be the stage.

5.) Living on a rock: That explains the use of the ferry. You really must indulge my curiosity some as to your general locale.

6.) SAT's and college admissions officers. They're both designed to just fuck with you. I'd roll with it if I were you.

7.) Shut the fuck up. Indulge people when they ask you to shut up, but when they require you to speak, just tell them you're not their little "speak doggy" trick pony and to go fuck themselves.

8.) I've worked with horses, though training them extensively was never my department nor my forte. My suggestion: drop-whip. Nice horsie...don't piss off the human.

9.) Forget the guy friend. Sounds like he deserves the skank ho.

10.) Stalkers tend to fuck off if you make them bleed. Break his nose and/or stick a ball point pen in his rib cage and see if he keeps coming back.

11.) Fuck the consequences. Stick up for the autistic kids, even if they hover around, sit with, cling-to, or generally annoy the shit out of you afterwards. If nothing else, it's good karma.

12.) I see you're suffering from the condition the Hawaiians used to call "laka de nookie" (lack of the nookie). I'd try not to worry about it. Driving yourself crazy wishing you could have it is only going to make you miserable. If you absolutely couldn't get laid in a crowd full of gigalos with a hand full of hundreds, then distract yourself or get a hobby.

13.) Zinc tablets (not those pansy-ass lozenges, but the kind you get in a bottle at the drug store labeled "zinc"), a bulb of raw garlic, and vitamin C. Put the zinc tablet between your cheek and gum or under your tongue and let it basically disintegrate. Try to get somewhere between 2,000-4,000 mg's of Vitamin C. However, you can't really overdose, so drink buckets of water and take as much Vitamin C as you can stand until your urine burns. Cut 1 clove of raw garlic into very small pieces and chase them with water (use some of the same buckets of water you take with Vitamin C). Continue, 1 clove per day, until the bulb is gone. This combination will devastate a cold.

14.) Fuck appendicitis. Go to school.

15.) There is worse pain than yours. Worse things do not justify the bad things. You deserve happiness.
 
Wow, this is unbelievable, but I really do know exactly what alot of that is like. I also live on a rock, and when I was in highschool, I had to take a ferry to school every day. Woke up at 4:30 in the morning, and got home around 5:00 in the afternoon. It sucks ass, because you really can't hang out with anyone from your school anywhere outside of said school. No extracurricular activities, no sports.. I hated high school.
I also had a stalker for a year or so in high school. She was the only other girl from my island who went to school with me, and she lived on the next hill over. She used to go up on her roof and spy on my house with a fucking telescope. She was 5 years younger than me, which when you're a senior in high school, is just nauseating.
I've met very few people who had the same kind of situation as me in school, in fact, the only ones I have met, were those who went to school with me at various times... but I was the only one who stuck it out for 5 years straight. Don't worry, it makes great material for college application essays, and that will counteract lousy SAT scores. Once you get off your island, and go to college, things will be alot better. Good luck.
 
If you are attractive and everyone is getting more than you are, than I suggest putting out more.

If you are fat and/or ugly, then you haven't a chance, so do the ugly stalker with the bad nose. Who knows, he may be a great lover!

EDITED because mdotpandie is a GramerNotzie ;)
 
So, like why didn't you just post these gripes singularly over the course of a few weeks... explaining in better detail each situation.

More information makes for better responses.
 
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