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!!amanday trick!!
Guest
One thing that I think about almost everyday is suicide. I try to find a reason not to commit suicide everyday. I think what holds me back is thinking that I'm giving up to early. I always feel that if I commited suicide, if I had of waited just X amount of time, I could've been better. This is probably true, too. I'm pretty sure that if I wait X amount of time, some years, I'll be moderately happy and find meaning and fulfillment in my life. But as of yet, I have not. I exist, but I wouldn't exactly say that I'm really "living." I have too many worries all the time and to put it bluntly, I'm very disappointed with the way my life has turned out. I'm not happy with my physical self, I'm not happy with my place in the world, I'm not happy with how I feel about things, and I'm tired of being alone all the time. I don't necessarily mean alone as in single, but alone as in I haven't found anyone yet that thinks the way I do, or at least in a similar fashion. Honestly, I look at the general population in two ways; I envy it and I despise it. I envy it because the population, generally speaking, gets along pretty well, doesn't question things too much, and goes about it's business with goals and aspirations on its mind. The general public goes with the flow of things as they were taught to, and by not questioning things too literally, life isn't quite too complicated except for what complications they make for themselves. I think that a lot of people are actually incapable of questioning things-at least on their own. And that's why I also despise the general population. Too much conformity. Not enough insight about life. No one questions things, or thinks critically about their life except in the abstract that society has made for them. In other words, people generally judge themselves and their status by their education, career, perhaps some physical aspects, whether they have family or not, and their accomplishments. I on the other hand judge myself quite differently. Yes, I would like to have a degree and a career of my choice, perhaps a family, but my thinking isn't so shallow that these are the only things I can imagine for myself. I guess it's kind of hard to explain unless I speak, but one of the things I question is "Why should these things be of value to me? Who says they have to be? Can't I value something else?"It's kind of funny if you think about it...if you don't follow the rules of society there's automatically something wrong with you. Someone has a mental disorder, say for instance, ADD, and what does society say? ....Take medication. And so if you don't fit right in there's two options society will give you; prison and medication. I say that no matter what any book or diagnosis says, a person isn't depressed or mentally disturbed unless that person perceives themselves to be so. So as far as me killing myself one day or not, I'm just not sure what will happen. I think about it so much where it has gotten to the point where I feel at ease with carrying it out because I have absolutely given it careful thought in a calm state of mind where I would know it would be a wise decision if I decide on doing it. Know this, if I commit suicide at any time, it was not in vein, nor was it done on an impulse. One thing I realize is that if I just fight through the pain and try and live, there's a chance my thinking could change and I find some peace for myself. It's a possibility, but not a definitive thing. So then knowing this, it really comes down to, am I willing to continue suffering to get to that point one day? And so far, obviously the answer must be "yes" because I haven't killed myself yet. But my wits are only so strong and what doesn't kill me makes me weaker, not stronger. If you're of those people that blindly states "Keep fighting it. Killing yourself is never the answer. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You have to keep trying," then I have something to ask you. Here's an example that will most likely kill your whole theory on "continuing to try."This is a hypothetical situation and it is exaggerated on purpose to prove a point. Suppose you're locked in a 6'X6' room. You are in this room, and only this room, for the whole day. Every night you are hung up in chains and whipped for an hour. It hurts like hell. You are fed just enough to survive and you're injuries are minimal enough not to kill you. Throughout the day all you do is sit in your room waiting for the evening beating. So one day, after months of this, the man issuing you the beating tells you something. He says "I'm a giving you a choice. You're first choice is, I can give you this rope and you can hang yourself and be free from this punishment. You're second choice is that I contine to beat you every night and you continue to live in this room for years, and maybe one day I will let you out. Your choice."I made this story up myself. So tell me something, which would you choose? There are no variables,