Would you please read and comment my poem?

  • Thread starter Thread starter leila
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leila

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Okay, I'm REALLY bored, because I'm writing up another poem http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AshJgnxTCdhFmntvZHfk0u_sy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20081030220842AAA4zx4

So, comments/ratings/suggestions/title?
I really like constructive criticism.

He fell to the floor
With a burden in his heart
And a gun in his hand

He fell to the floor
With no life in his eyes
And flag in his grasp

She fell to the floor
With a scream in her throat
And tears in her eyes

They fell to the floor
With regret on their faces
And prayers on their minds

They sat on the couch
And watched T.V.
And laughed at a joke
And lived.




Jeff M: To clarify, I was comparing how all this shit is happening to these people, and at the same time, there are people on the other side of the world (or wherever) totally oblivious, and for some reason, are able to just go on with their lives. These other people's lives are shattered, but the people on the couch are perfectly fine. So close, but yet so far.
 
I enjoyed this one very much, but I also wouldn't mind to hear the last stanza explicated. Would you mind? If not, as in the point being one should judge for themselves, that would be a fine answer, too. Keep up the good work, we need more poets.
 
I really like it. I like your style. I know, that's not constructive criticism, i'm tired :p I really like the verse 'She fell to the floor with a scream in her throat...' It's very well written. Sorry, i wish i could be more constructive, but my eyes are closing lol. Good work!!!
 
I really like it. I like your style. I know, that's not constructive criticism, i'm tired :p I really like the verse 'She fell to the floor with a scream in her throat...' It's very well written. Sorry, i wish i could be more constructive, but my eyes are closing lol. Good work!!!
 
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