~ A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
~ A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
~ A calendar's days are numbered.
~ A Christmas sign from a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."
~ A computer DOES save time at work. Now I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.
~ A friend is a person who listens attentively while you say nothing.
~ A hard boiled egg is hard to beat.
~ Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
~ Among the English language's many puzzling words is "economy," which means the large size in toothpaste and the small size in automobiles.
~ An apology is a good way to have the last word.
~ An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
~ Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey."
~ Being vague is just as bad as that other thing.
~ Birthdays are good for you ... the more you have the longer you live.
~ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
~ Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.
~ Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying? He said, "Canned goods and ammunition."
~ Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect.
~ Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet.
~ Christmas is not a date. It is a state of mind & heart.
~ Confidence is that feeling you have just before you fully understand the situation.
~ Dear IRS: I'm sending you this money because I cheated on my income tax and my conscience has been bothering me. If it doesn't stop, I'll send you the rest.
~ Don't insult the alligator until after you cross the river.
~ Drop a piano on an Army base and I'll show you A-flat major!
~ During a recent company password audit, it was found that a certain air-head was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy. When asked why such a big password, the employee said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
~ Education is what you get when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.
~ Every evening I turn my troubles over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway.
~ Evil can reform, but stupid is forever.
~ Generally, helpful hints aren't.
~ Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
~ "Good enough" is NEVER good enough.
~ Golf was invented as a "game" by the same people who invented bagpipes for "music."
~ Have you ever thought that life is a car wash, and you're on a bike?
~ He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
~ He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.
~ Honk if you love Jesus! Text while driving if you want to meet Him.
~ I always put off procrastinating as long as I can.
~ I don't bother getting even. I just get odd.
~ I feel sorry for the guy who has to play the world's smallest violin. Everybody just thinks he's being sarcastic.
~ I know there's no way to do that - but if there WERE a way, what would it be?
~ I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It'll be called You-Twit-Face.
~ I put all my money into taxes. That's the only thing that's sure to go up.
~ I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days attack me at once.
~ I've broken so many mirrors in my life, if I live long enough to have all that bad luck, I'll be lucky.
~ If I can quote lines out of the Bible, would I be well-versed in it?
~ If I work well at a diner, am I being counter-productive?
~ If you do nothing, nothing will happen. If you do something, something will happen, but not necessarily what you intended.
~ If you live long enough, something will kill you.
~ If you throw your cat out the window is that kitty litter?
~ If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.
~ If you're a cynic, everyone's corrupt. If you're an idealist, everyone's corrupt, except you.
~ Ignorance might be bliss to you, but it's agony to everyone around you.
~ It is never wise to let any piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry.
~ Jesus is my favorite loser. He fell for the entire human race.
~ Life is like a mirror; we get the best results when we smile at it.
~ Light travels faster than sound - that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
~ Lounge Lizard: "Hello, there! Where have you been all my life?" Young Thing: "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
~ May thy ball lie in green pastures ... and not in still waters.
~ Most people don't make the same mistake twice. They make it three or four times.
~ My body may be p
~ A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
~ A calendar's days are numbered.
~ A Christmas sign from a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."
~ A computer DOES save time at work. Now I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.
~ A friend is a person who listens attentively while you say nothing.
~ A hard boiled egg is hard to beat.
~ Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
~ Among the English language's many puzzling words is "economy," which means the large size in toothpaste and the small size in automobiles.
~ An apology is a good way to have the last word.
~ An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
~ Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey."
~ Being vague is just as bad as that other thing.
~ Birthdays are good for you ... the more you have the longer you live.
~ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
~ Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.
~ Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying? He said, "Canned goods and ammunition."
~ Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect.
~ Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet.
~ Christmas is not a date. It is a state of mind & heart.
~ Confidence is that feeling you have just before you fully understand the situation.
~ Dear IRS: I'm sending you this money because I cheated on my income tax and my conscience has been bothering me. If it doesn't stop, I'll send you the rest.
~ Don't insult the alligator until after you cross the river.
~ Drop a piano on an Army base and I'll show you A-flat major!
~ During a recent company password audit, it was found that a certain air-head was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy. When asked why such a big password, the employee said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
~ Education is what you get when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.
~ Every evening I turn my troubles over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway.
~ Evil can reform, but stupid is forever.
~ Generally, helpful hints aren't.
~ Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
~ "Good enough" is NEVER good enough.
~ Golf was invented as a "game" by the same people who invented bagpipes for "music."
~ Have you ever thought that life is a car wash, and you're on a bike?
~ He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
~ He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.
~ Honk if you love Jesus! Text while driving if you want to meet Him.
~ I always put off procrastinating as long as I can.
~ I don't bother getting even. I just get odd.
~ I feel sorry for the guy who has to play the world's smallest violin. Everybody just thinks he's being sarcastic.
~ I know there's no way to do that - but if there WERE a way, what would it be?
~ I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It'll be called You-Twit-Face.
~ I put all my money into taxes. That's the only thing that's sure to go up.
~ I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days attack me at once.
~ I've broken so many mirrors in my life, if I live long enough to have all that bad luck, I'll be lucky.
~ If I can quote lines out of the Bible, would I be well-versed in it?
~ If I work well at a diner, am I being counter-productive?
~ If you do nothing, nothing will happen. If you do something, something will happen, but not necessarily what you intended.
~ If you live long enough, something will kill you.
~ If you throw your cat out the window is that kitty litter?
~ If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.
~ If you're a cynic, everyone's corrupt. If you're an idealist, everyone's corrupt, except you.
~ Ignorance might be bliss to you, but it's agony to everyone around you.
~ It is never wise to let any piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry.
~ Jesus is my favorite loser. He fell for the entire human race.
~ Life is like a mirror; we get the best results when we smile at it.
~ Light travels faster than sound - that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
~ Lounge Lizard: "Hello, there! Where have you been all my life?" Young Thing: "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
~ May thy ball lie in green pastures ... and not in still waters.
~ Most people don't make the same mistake twice. They make it three or four times.
~ My body may be p