Worried Daughter - Please Help

R

Red Ant

New member
Hello, this is my first time posting anything on a message board, but I am so desperate to help my dad. Please, if anyone thinks they can offer any advice, I would greatly appreciate it.

Background:
I am 22 years old, and I live with my dad. My parents are divorced, and my brother lives with his fiancee. I am my dad's only support system, and he has always been somewhat depressed about his life. He does not have a wife (it is mostly my mom's fault for this, but I guess that doesn't matter), and he has a variety of medical issues.

He has been a Type 1 diabetic since he was 17 years old (he is now 54), which he describes as being very unpredictable, even though he take insulin, watches what he eats very carefully, gives up almost all sugar and carb foods, and exercises.

He also has painful stomach problems, where he has to go to the bathroom most of the day. He has been prescribed as having IBS, but unfortunately, that diagnosis just proves that no doctor has a treatment for him.

He has also had hand pain (he works on computers all day) and the pain sometimes causes him to stop working. He's had multiple painful tests which were inconclusive. In addition, he's had two shoulder surgeries and a knee surgery, which has stopped him from doing the things he once loved, like ice hockey and tennis.

I don't want to come across as complaining about my dad's problems, because I know there are people out there who have it worse. Unfortunately, he now is extremely depressed and will only tell me and I am getting so stressed out by this that I honestly don't know where to turn or who to turn to.


And now, present day. At the end of May, he had a brain stem stroke. He is able to talk and eat, but his motion is limited and must use a walker. It is difficult for him to get around, and I have been his "caregiver" since the stroke. Now, with all of his previous medical problems, the stroke is taking away the last few things he could be grateful for, like being able to do things for himself and walk and ride a bike.

My dad feels as though everything he wants to do in life has been taken away because of his illnesses.

PLEASE HELP, I really need some advice or some resources.

Thank you, Maddy
 
I'm very sorry, Maddy. You are trying so hard to help your dad, and I'm sure that all of this has been very hard on you, too.

Is your father currently hospitalized? Most hospitals have social workers that may be able to help refer for appropriate help and resources for therapy, nursing care, financial assistance, etc.

I understand that your dad is depressed and feels robbed. I'm sure that you're overwhelmed and stressed, but you can help him heal and regain some of his skills by being strong for him. It's a lot to ask, but that's the first way that you can help.
 
Hi Maddy,

Welcome to the Healthboards. I am impressed by the fact that you have chosen to reach out for some support, since you really do have your hands full. What a sweet loving daughter you are! I hope I can help you, and I want you to know, I come here everyday, so we can keep in contact if you like.

I have a very similar, yet opposite situation as you do. I am the sick parent, and my son would be in your shoes. I have had 4 strokes, heart failure, kidney failure, all at 43 years old, at the time my son was only 9. He and I have always been a close team, since his dad abandoned us when he was born. I have always done everything in the world to keep him sheltered from as much of he medical problems as possible, but now that he is 16, he knows everything, and does everything he can to help me out, which I adore him for, and appreciate to no end.

May I ask what state your are in? In our state (California), we have a department called "In Home Support Services" (IHSS) that offers help for people who are disabled and living at home, by paying someone to come in several hours a day to do routine care, meal prep, laundry, health related care, etc. Either you could be the caregiver, and get paid for your caring for your dad, or you could have someone else come in, giving you a much needed break from the daily care.

There is also meals on wheels, that delivers meals to folks everyday, who cant cook for themselves.

You can always search for other services that are available to your dad, that will help both you and him.

Being a fulltime caregiver is a huge job for anyone, especially for a young owman such as yourself, who's taking care of her own father, without any help. you always need to provide yourself with time to relax and take a break from the huge job you have. YOu might psot on the caregivers board here, there are a lot of selfless people there who can give you some support on being a caregiver. It can be the hardest job of all.

I am so sleepy now, I have to go to bed...but I will check on you tomorrow, ok? Hang in there, and stay strong, your father must think you are his angel, and you are!
 
Hello GL, thank you for the reply. My dad is currently at home; he was in the hospital for a week, then he was in a rehab facility for 6 weeks. We had tried working with the social worker at his rehab center to have a visiting nurse come, but because he is able to take his insulin using a Lantus pen they feel that he is able to do for himself and does not need one. Thank you for your support!
 
Hello writeleft, thank you so much for your reply and kind words. I am so sorry to hear about your situation, yet it is comforting to know that there are other people who want to share and help other who are in similar situations.

If it is alright, I would like to know about your experience with your strokes, because that is something that I know worries both me and my dad. He feels as though he will not get better because he has not felt any progress since he had the stroke (May 29th). What type of stroke did you have, and how was your recovery process (i.e. length of time, medications)?

My dad and I live in the New York metro area. As I had replied to GL, we were denied for home care because he able to take his insulin without assistance. He is also able to make whatever food he needs for the day, but because he is a diabetic, he chooses not to eat a lot and he feels he does not need a "meals on wheels" type of program.

Thank you for your advice about the caregivers board, I will take advantage of it.

Thank you again so much for your compassionate and thoughtful reply, and I hope the future is bright for both of our families. Take care!
 
Maddy, I would do a couple of things first. Seeing it is just you and your dad, you need to get two things...a medical power of attorney and a durable poa. This will enable you to have access to your dad's doctors. Also you need to be put on your dad's checking accounts and savings accounts so you can be able to pay the bills and such. OK, now that we got that out of the way (I had to do this with/for my parents. I lost my daddy to an aneurism and my momma followed him 5 weeks later.) These sound harsh, but it will help you immensly should a docotr or nurse deny you information because of the HIPPA act.

Next I would get in touch with your dad's main doctor and tell him that your dad is depressed and he needs something for it. If the depression is lifted, he will be better able to help himself. Trust me, when you feel like that you have no desire to try and get better.

Does you r dad have any family around that could pitch in and help you out? And your brother can come home and help out now and then also. He is still part of the family, even if it is just for a meal once a week.

good luck dear. You are a bright shining star in your daddy's life and he is grateful for you I'm sure. You are to be commended.
 
Dear Maddy,

I do spend a lot of time supporting stroke survivors, and their families on our stroke board, and I would be happy to share anything that might help you understand what your father has is going through.

Stroke recovery is a very slow tedious procedure typically. Much depends on the type of stroke and the severity, and recoveries are as individual as the person recovering.

The one thing we all have to address is the depression and anxiety that stroke almost always leave behind. There is a huge sense of loss when you have a stroke, and the feeling that no one understands, which quite honestly, they don't! There is new research that suggests that even PTSD can be caused by stroke

The ultimate thing for him would be to have the depression (and don't forget anxiety) treated, which will lift his overall mood, and then for him to get some support for stroke survivors. Would he consider doing some writing here? We have a great group of stroke survivors who are just a friendly and compassionate as they get, just like all the boards here. If he is anything like my dad, that would never happen...but I still had to mention it.

In my case my recovery was VERY slow..it took me 6 years just to be able to type, actual hand writing came much later. I was asleep about 23 hours a day for over 2 years...so it is SLOW.. In my case I had major organ damage. Does you dad have deficits related to the stroke that you can see or hear? Even if we look perfectly the same, there has been brain damage, no matter how it looks on the outside.

Whatever you do, take care of yourself, even if you have to schedule time for yourself. Caregiving is a thankless and exhausting job, which we do because of love and commitment, but that makes it no easier.

Oh, my strokes were cause by high blood pressure, impossible to control. What was the nature of your dad's stroke?

Keep in touch, I know everyone here would love to help you through this in any way we can. Stay strongl we are behind you Maddy!
 
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