Will you please comment on this bit of free verse?

B

BlueFeather

New member
Midnight Message

In the middle of the night
I wake from dreaming of being
a well-known actress

From a popular show
I've always considered
overly-saccharined pap.

Since the guises we don
often reflect salient
features of self,

I'm now left to wonder
if the syrup I spew
is too thick.


For those who've read my responses, what do you think? Do they sound too pompous? Have I offered praise where it is undeserved?
Philip: Thanks, but you've guessed wrong, missed the point, AND free verse is free of metrical restrictions. (Sorry, no ill will intended)
 
It's interesting, but I'm not entirely sure I get what your point is though.
Try substituting words here and there so that there is more of an iambic structure (which would probably help your style out a bit).

For example, in the first stanza:
"In the middle of the night" has too many unstressed syllables. Instead you could say "The moon turns over and"

And syrup spews... I'm guessing you don't like this actress because she is too sweet? It is fairly puzzling and that is not always a good thing. I'm not sure your deeper meaning is coming through.
 


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