Hey there D,
I'm sorry to hear you are sick on vacation. What the ?? That is just not fair.
I had the same thoughts as you when I got sick a few times recently - This is what I get for doing all those things to my body for four years. I finally get clean, am supposed to feel great yet I get plagued with something awful.
You see, right after I started Suboxone, I had to have my teeth removed. I'm a 32 year old woman who had a disease (hereditary, my grandma had it as well) - The enzymes in my saliva were literally poisoning my teeth so they had to come out...all of them. I now wear full dentures. Two days after my surgery, I broke out in hives (nasty nast hives, everywhere), had to call 911 as my throat closed and I couldn't breathe. Thank God I have an Epi-pen (fatal allergy to bees) or I may not be alive.
Well, the next 4 days were complete hell. My skin felt like it was crawling with millions of bugs, I had a fever and was sweating (which is THE worst feeling - feels like the hives were on fire, yet cold), couldn't even wear clothes, covered in calamine lotion and Aveeno and could NOT get comfortable for the life of me. Finally after four days, the steroiRAB started working and the hives began to disappear. Well, just my luck...I start getting "the bad" side effects from the steroiRAB. I swelled up like a balloon (gained 19 lbs in 9 days), had hallucinations, couldn't sleep (awake 51 hours straight), mental/mood changes, spinning sensations, vomiting and wounRAB that will not heal (my skin was literally splitting open - hanRAB feet and stomach). It was terrible! I had to do a rapid taper off the steroiRAB and suffer some pretty bad withdrawals (yet in comparison to opiate w/d's, it was not too bad).
When I had those thoughts (I deserve this), I started crying like a baby. I blamed myself for my illness and told myself this wouldn't have happened if I wasn't so mean to my body. Looking back, I know it was not true, however I couldn't shake that feeling. It sucks that we addicts think that way but it does make sense. We put our bodies through hell, so naturally if something bad happens, the first person/thing we blame is ourselves.
I think you've come a long way D, and I'm so inspired by you. You always have a graceful way of explaining things, and I find, more lately, you've been able to find a way to see the positive side of any situation. Perhaps, you can take the fact that you inspire me and turn this into something positive. Two things that come to mind are...
1. It could be worse - I thought about this when I was lying on my couch underneath a thin beRABheet. It could be worse. I found that helped alot - to think I could have something more than just hives and a fever.
2. This could have happened while at home, trying to work and take care of normal daily chores. This happened while on vacation. A time where you can rest and get better a little quicker than you would at home.
I hope this helps you, and I hope you're feeling even just a bit better. Although I know pneumonia can take weeks to clear up, I still have faith that you'll feel better soon and be able to enjoy your at least some of your vacation
The good news is, antibiotics start working right away and you may notice a difference as early as today. I'll be thinking of you. Stay strong, be positive, go have a massage!!! You have a great excuse to pamper yourself -and you deserve it my friend.
Love emsmom
