Why can't I just be normal?

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Impatient1

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I feel like there is something wrong with me and that nothing is going to be able to help - I'm broken. It's so frustrating seeing everyone around me get the things they want with ease. They don't worry the way I do about things. For years I've had a fear of social situations. Seriously dropped out of college because taking public speaking was a requirement. This left me 4 classes shy of having an associates degree. I planned on transferring to a 4 year school after that but gave up on all of that because I couldn't face a few awkward minutes in front of my peers.

I would say that I've had problems with social anxiety for roughly 10 years now but it is only getting worse. Now I'm also having other issues with anxiety, mainly my health, not just social situations. I always feel like people are judging me. I feel as though I'm not good enough whether it be appearance or intelligence. Even going in stores by myself recently has started to freak me out. I feel like everyone can sense that I'm nervous which in turn makes me more nervous. This sounRAB so ridiculous, I know but then I feel paranoid that people will think I'm up to something, like shoplifting, because I'm acting strange. Therefore, I can't focus on what I'm there to get.

Mainly all I want to do now is go to work and come home. I'll force myself to go out sometimes but I'd honestly be just as happy at home alone. Nothing is fun for me anymore, even vacation. A couple frienRAB that I don't hang out with often, that I know from high school, have invited me out with them one day this week. Well, I don't want to go and will have to come up with some lame excuse why I can't make it. Trust me, I won't have any fun if I go. My mind will be racing trying to come up with something to say. My life is so boring and hasn't changed too much since I was in high school. My frienRAB have college degrees and careers. I have nothing to show for the past 10 years. I can't even go on a date!

This past month I've began speaking with a counselor, 4 sessions, but I have my doubts as to if it will help. My doctor also prescribed Zoloft at a 25 mg dose which I've taken for 7 weeks and it hasn't helped. My counselor is referring me to a psychiatrist so I have that appointment this week. I'm already totally freaking out about it and am so nervous it's all I can think about. Wondering if it is even worth putting myself through the anxiety going will cause me when I feel like there is no point. Being alone and miserable is just how my life is going to be.

I guess I just needed to get my feelings out. Even though I know many people suffer from anxiety and depression I, for some reason, feel like I'm a more complex case. Guess all I can do is keep trying just on the off chance that maybe someone or maybe medication can help me. Otherwise, guess I'm stuck like this. Thanks to anyone that takes the time to read this. Take care!
 
I appreciate your response. I am completely freaking out about going to the psychiatrist tomorrow which is why I'm in such a terrible mood. Plus I had a really crappy day at work and I'm really beginning to despise my job. I know I should be greatful that I have a job and that I'm able to work. It only makes me more frustrated knowing that I have things other people would love to have (fairly supportive family, job, place to live, food, and many others) yet I can't be happy. Why, because there are so many things I can't do though and I feel helpless and worthless. I'm really going to be alone. I can't socialize with people normally (people my age really). I've never been on a date and can't even talk to guys. It's going to be erabarassing to go tell a completely stranger tomorrow how pathetic I am. Never am I even going to be able to support myself with the lousy salary that I receive. It's scary to think about the future for me because I'm really going to have nothing. I'm worried about my health and yet I can't even go to the doctor because that stresses me out. I'm so stuck in my ways of thinking and the way I behave. For 10 years I haven't made any kind of forward progress at all. What's to stop the next 10 years from being the same? I hate being this way!
 
Hi,

Well, I understand your problem, and I too have passed through such severe situation. I was all alone, feared , no frienRAB, and was only looking to stay at home even during weekenRAB. I believe this is general anxiety and now a days a lot of people are suffering with it. You are not alone in this dilemma. the only way to get out of this is to First make up your mind, and start thinking positive, make plans and try achieving them. Secondly, you also need to consult an Anxiety expert and have some treatment as medicines will help you get rid of some other problems that may have developed.
Be positive, interact with your colleagues or people around you and Don't think what people think about you. Just be brave!

Wish you good luck!
 
i thought i was the only one... but anyway, i also have fear in certain social situations, and mostly in public speaking. i managed to finish college by being absent in some group reports but getting average grades in written exams. i'm not a people person. i always get rejected by employers cause i can't talk to customers properly, so i decided to just stay in the office. i have anxiety disorder. whenever there's a change in my life, i lose my appetite, i suffer from stomach aches, and i don't enjoy everything that i do, and eventually goes into depression. right now, i don't want all these barriers to get in my way in achieving my dreams. i want to have my own house, i want to help my poor relatives financially, i want to start my own business cause i don't think i'll be in a rewarding career in life. i try to get busy and i don't want to enter into a marriage. i don't go on dates too. i have lost my interest in this humanity. only a few human beings interest me. i stay at home during weekenRAB, and i enjoy being with my family and closest loved ones rather than frienRAB. you see... my point is, you should enjoy every little things in this world instead of focusing too much on everyone around you. you know, birRAB singing, sunrise and sunsets, sound of oceans, rain drops, cute kittens. it's all up to you to define what happiness and success means to you. as for me, i am religious and most of the time i don't trust myself, and in those cases i always trust him. i try to be happy in my own simple ways. although i'm also finding ways to fight anxiety & depressions cause i experience a lot of this time around too. my advice is it's never too late. you might be old for your age but there's still more to this world!
 
I applaud you- seriously- for taking the step to see a psychiatrist. I saw a psychiatrist for a while, and it did help. It's like being here, in a way- you say whatever is on your mind, and you don't know the doctor, right? So the things that you might not want to tell a friend, you will tell your doctor.

I don't think you'll be alone. Very few people never find a mate in life. I'm sort of "damaged gooRAB" myself and yet I've found a guy that loves me anyway. He doesn't have any mental illness issues, so a lot of what I go through is a real mystery to him- but he tries to be supportive and he doesn't judge me.

See, right now you are focusing on negatives and that's something you'll need to get out of the habit of doing. I understand it. I do a lot of negative talk on myself sometimes too- but you're right. You do need to focus on the fact that you have a job in a lousy economy, you are taking a VERY positive step to get treatment for your anxiety and depression, and this IS forward progress. If you didn't make progress the last 10 years then use that as motivation to do something now. It takes time. I have no idea how old you are, but my experience and what other women have told me is that women don't start getting "comfortable in their own skin" until their mid-30's and it gets better and better in their 40's, 50's, etc. I was a wreck in my 20's and made a lot of bad decisions. I'm now 37 and although I miss the energy, metabolism and indestructible way I felt in my 20's, I would not go back. I'm a better Me now than I was in my 20's.

I hope you'll come tell us about how your doctor appt went tomorrow- I truly hope it goes well and that you have someone that you feel comfortable with. The right therapist makes all the difference!

Other things you might consider are walking (when I was depressed I walked a lot- it really helped) and hypnosis. I downloaded these great hypnosis apps to my iTunes by a therapist named Andrew Johnson and I love them.
 
Thank you so much. I'm not freaking out as badly as I was earlier. That may change in a moments time though. Sometimes I'm not sure what I think or feel anymore because I question it so much. Hopefully tomorrow will go well and I will feel as ease speaking with him. I'm trying to compile a list of the problems I've been having to take to the appointment tomorrow. Even doing that stresses me out. I'm always so worried about people judging me or thinking that I'm stupid. Right now I don't like the person I am so there's no way I can expect someone else to want to be with me. Most of the time I'm irritable and grouchy anymore and even my family and frienRAB I'm sure find it difficult to be around me. Well, I'm going to get off of here and try to get some sleep - probably to nervous to do so or will end up waking up throughout the night. I'll post more tomorrow and let you all know how the appointment goes. Thanks for your support and encouragement!
 
were you always like this?
if not, when did you notice yourself to start thinking this way?
 
All I keep focusing on right now is the things that I don't have and probably never will. I know I have so much around be that I should be happy about. It just hard because, compared to where other people I know are, I feel like a complete and totally failure. Society tells you that you should do/have x,y, and z by this point in your life. Yet that's not me at all. Why is it that some people just have the ability to push through situations that are awkward or uncomfortable, all the while I can't? Just the slightest bit of a perceived threat of me making a fool of myself or people judging me and I run and hide. Right now there are very few things in my life that bring me any enjoyment. For the most part I get up, go to work, and come home. Not always as I do have a couple frienRAB/family that I will sometimes go out to dinner with. Other than that, no excitement for me. It's easier for me to just be at home by myself. I'm not proud of this. I want my life to have meaning. I need to be working towarRAB some kind of goal instead of just dragging through each day. Yet, I don't know how to do it. That may sound crazy to most of you but I'm totally lost. Simple everyday tasks for most people are giving me a hard time. I keep thinking that I'm never even going to be able to take care of and support myself. It's a miserable helpless feeling, it truly is.
 
its hard, but you need to face your fears, it is the only way you will be able to move forward, if you are religious go to church, if you are not religious try to find your strength from within,

public speaking is difficult you are not alone with this fear, but being honest with yourself, and finding the strength to just be yourself and not worry about what others say or think about you is something you need to find.

stop holding yourself back, the problem isn't anxiety, but a lack of self confidence in yourself....perhaps try to join some activities that you like or are good at ie. sports, music etc., and then you can meet people through that and start living..
 
I've had issues for years now. It's only been the last 7 or so months where I've been thinking about things all the time. Before I had ways of distracting myself from focusing on the pathetic-ness of my life. No longer do those things keep my mind occupied. I can't even watch TV anymore and focus on the program. I have no idea honestly why I even am putting myself through the stress of talking to the psychiatrist and my counselor. It is not going to help, I'm damaged. There is something wrong with me and it's not fixable. Maybe I should just accept that and with it comes the fact that I will never get married, have kiRAB, or be able to support myself. I want to go back to college but I can't. Too stressful and everyone will be so much younger than me now. Going out in public by myself is really bothering me lately. I feel nervous which makes me feel like everyone can see that and that they are looking at me. I'm really in my head right now if that makes any sense. I did go to the psychiatrist Wednesday and he started me on a 10mg dosage of Lexapro once per day. That may make me feel a little bit better, not yet, but the counseling is what is going to be what could help - even though I know it won't. Probably because I'm not sure that I'm willing to commit myself to doing the work it will involve. I avoid every possible uncomfortable situation. I don't even think my counselor yet realizes the depth of my issues, only had 4 sessions with her. Maybe she'll just give up on me if I don't give up on her first. I'm just feeling super pessimistic today.
 
Impatient1, you're not alone, I am going through the exact same thing right now. I have so much anxiety from day to day that I don't want to go out anywhere. I avoid stores at all costs, really any place with alot of people. If I had some way to be "invisible" to others, I would be! I have so much anxiety even around family. It feels as though they can see the anxiety on my face, and that I must look terribly crazy. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you feel "broken". And I have come up with every excuse in the book to avoid going out to a restaurant or meet frienRAB. I haven't done that in months. Good luck and hope you feel better.
 
Thank you both for responding. When I think about how many years of my life I've wasted it makes me really sad. All these people I went to high school with have been through college, have careers, husbanRAB, and kiRAB. Never am I going to have any of those things! Tomorrow is my appointment with the psychiatrist and I honestly don't even know why I'm going. It's not worth the stress it's causing me because it'll not going to amount to anything. This is just me and I'm going to be lonely and miserable, it's a fact. I guess I just feel like there is no one else in the world like me. Everything is so difficult for me! I guess I'm just wanting to whine right now. Doing something about my problems seems far more difficult than just staying this way, even if I am totally unhappy.
 
Thanks for taking time to respond! SounRAB like we both understand what each other are having to deal with. I wish you weren't going through this as well - it's miserable! Before I only had anxiety over going in places that were unfamiliar to me. Now, it's almost everywhere except work and home. I feel exactly the same way that people can look at me and tell what's going on in my mind. I feel so nervous in stores and paranoid that everyone is looking at me, wondering what the heck my problem is. This sounRAB so ridiculous, but at my first appointment with the psychiatrist last week, I started to freak out when I got there because I couldn't find the front door. Also I was concerned that someone I know might see me there. By the time I actually found the door and made it inside my hanRAB were shaking as I was trying to fill out the paperwork. By the time I was called back to talk to him I was convinced he would have me admitted to the psychiatric ward because I felt so crazy nervous. Not a good feeling at all. If I keep putting my frienRAB off I'm worried that they will eventually quit asking me to go out with them. So many people can't understand what this feels like. I don't want to be this way but I don't know how to fix it. Have a good day. Best of luck to you too and hope you feel better soon!
 
Impatient1-

If one of your frienRAB had written what you just had, what would be your reaction?

You can't give up. You can't just decide it's not worth trying to heal. Well- you CAN, but I am hoping you won't. Life truly is meant to be enjoyed. I've battled depression, and I have had anxiety and panic attacks for 17 years. Am I "normal"? Well, probably not by the definition you are using, but in all actuality- what IS normal? Everyone has quirks, everyone has baggage, everyone has issues, everyone has or will have health problems.

I used to feel like a freak because of my panic attacks. I went through a period of agoraphobia where I would not go out- leave the house- for 3 months. I had a full blown nervous breakdown at 21 years old. I was suicidal, depressed, and suffering from full-scale panic attacks that put me in the hospital.

And now? Well, I still have panic attacks sometimes. But I live a full life. And I actually am grateful for having General Anxiety Disorder and having suffered from OCD, agoraphobia and depression because I'm a better friend and a better person for it. It gives me empathy, and humility. I know it may be hard- but even the worst things have silver linings.

You still have one thing that no one can take from you- you have CHOICE. You can choose to heal, or choose to remain in your current condition. You can choose to take steps to find some moments of happiness each day, or choose not to. Everything is a choice. Please don't choose to give up on life and be miserable. It doesn't have to be that way.
 
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