Whore Redeemed

H

HRit

New member
thriving in the fast lane
picking apart your brain
driving him up the wall
digging at your shame
blame the game
blame the lame
dilaudid for
painyour brain
in grained
by
studdering
uddering
muttering
sputtering
pain
"game"
his "game" a shame
his fame his whip
his " " is slick
this bit makes you sick
one night stand lip stick
makes you quit
betta
keep up quick
or you'll get paid to suck his......
Snap out of it
this is an exercise for the fit
ohhhhhhh snap
betta come back quick
or
he'll give ya anotha phat lip
go
Lorena and get it ova wit
cut
off his balls like you
cut
at your walls
empty stalls,
and
shopping malls,
the blood on the floor will disolve.
dont
worry doll,
we're not laughing at all.
we dont seem so tall
if
you pick out our flaws.
are you a perfect picture
you like to draw?
Or are you that picture
you “ “ in a bathroom stall.
 
3 things right off before I get to substance. I think you mean "dilaudid" not "diladid." Also, I would combine "in grained" into "ingrained." I don't think that changes any meanings and it flows better. The third is just a typo. "were not laughing at all" should be "we're[b/] not laughing at all."

Okay, as for the actual writing, I definitely think this starts strong and enRAB really well, but the middle had me snoozin. Overall, pretty fucking great. thumbs up
 
Thanks, made a few changes due to your suggestions. Yeah the poem lost some voice in the middle. I think its the over use of "ick".
 
yo im an alienated
alien
stick my dick
in a lesbian
betta cum off it
dont u know
im a bad motherfucker
and a doe se doe
eat that shit
while i suck that clit
read the writin on the wall
get dressed up for the ball
writin stupid worRAB
cause it rhymes
got no time
got no made up mind
just gotta scribble
about that dribble
comin out of yr penis
and into the toilet
dont spoil it
redeem that ho
yo niggas
redeem dat ho
 
On a second read Kit....are you straight? (sucking on a clit is fun sir) No biggie....... I don't care. I just want you to know that its ok and your no different then the rest of us. I write my poetry so people like you with low self esteems can feel better when they read it. I do this by taking events in my life and writing them in a way that people can relate.

Also..... dont use niggaz, you haven't earned the right. I know you havent been a minority...... and I know you havent had your self put in check.

You keep living in your online world..... :cool: You keep living your "lie". Because secretly you wish you had kissed him.
 
Here is a poem you can't relate too.


My girl

My baby, My lady, She saved me

We cry, We lie, We might die

Honesty, Lustuly, Our Own sea

My boo, Not through, Oh! I do


Wake up, Shake up, A tear drop

Touch feet, Lips meet, Rinse re-peat

My remote, Your remote, Our Love Note

Live life, Love life, Meet my Wife


A Gift, We lift, A time shift

Baby smile, No denial , Ride river Nile

Bar-Be-Que, Hot dog stew, Our Bird(s) flew

We confide, hearts guide, BY my side


Now old, No gold, Our Story told

Kin gone, KiRAB grown, A creaky home

Wrinkle spree, Drinking tea, Our Oak Tree

Circle done, Setting sun , We are one

Our world
 
i wrote this poem from your perspective, do not confuse the speaker with the author

also if anyone relates to this poem i feel bad for them

on the subject of my sexuality:
to label me is to negate me - soren kierkegaard

vaginas are gross. i hate going down on girls.


youre right, i cant relate to it. for two reasons 1.) its incredibly sexist "my girl" "my baby." just cause someone is in a relationship with you doesnt mean you own them. i bet you say my black friend too

2.) its a bullshit make believe love tale that reinforces the institution of monogamy and marriage. one person can't completely fill the neeRAB of another. its unhealthy.


does being a minority give me permission to use slurs? i would hope not. i think youre whiter than i am lol
since im a fag i can say fag all day long and no one else can lol
 
:)


I love the fact I make you earn your post count.

Monogomy.....filling neeRAB..... umm if you cannot fill your own neeRAB and desires then you are entering a relationship for selfish reasons.

I wrote my girl our world one for my GF. If you pay close attention to the poem as it progresses my worRAB become less selfish for a reason. As you progress through a relationship you become less selfish. Whore redeemed is for a very beautiful young woman I dated five years back who had a meth addiction. She was a habitual cutter and almost passed away when we parted. Then she went on to pretty much become a porstitute.

I am sure you can try to say these things were my "fault". However her addiciton was around before me and I broke up with her when she relapsed for the sixth time. I just know how ya like to pick me apart. I just want you to have a better day.

The first women I was with seven years ago passed away with two children four years ago. Always felt bad for her and I have never found out her cause of death. You will find that I write a lot of my poetry for people or events in my life.

Hell if you wanna know I used to have some major drug addictions. I quit using pills, quit smoking cigs, quit drinking, only smoke bud once in awhile. I am sure Kit your "perfect" and have never slipped. However, slipping is part of life.

My current one I have been with for two and a half years. As you can tell through my poetry I really do love her.

As for "minorities"......... and all this mumbo jumbo...... your a racist. The fact you have asked me if I am black..... the fact that you assume poetry and hip hop cannot co exsist without using the word niggaz.....

Fact of the matter is you are not a minority. You may not fit in..... but when you enter a conversation with someone you don't have to disclose your sexuality. A black person or someone with an accent automatically has to disclose it during the first conversation.

Keep using the word fag and I will keep fighting for homosexuals rights. The fact is.... people who are gay deserve monogomy too. Even if it is harder for them to find.

Love ya too Kit. I just wanna let you know, you can keep posting dumbass negative comments on my "art"..... and I will keep posting it for you to hate.
 
didnt ask for your dating history, but if you date methed out prostitutes then your stupidity is starting to make more sense.

i think you may have fried your brain on all those drugs man, seen it happen.

yea fight for homosexual rights and then say theyre not a minority. how many contradictions do i have to point out?

yea you got me im totally racist. black people are the scum of the earth. :rolleyes:
again the kierkegaard quote is relevant here.

mumbo jumbo? wtf is this are you from 1950 or some shit
 
Lol Kit, I speak my mind in my everyday life.
You lack respect for others.
You lack respect for yourself if you can't either be monogomous or abstinant.
You lack respect for other people's opinions.
The things are important if you want to maintain frienRABhips and relationships.
Your brain is set in stone friend by too many days spent alone thinking your better than the rest of the world.
Your ivory tower is taller then your stature. Your the only real reason I still post here. Your an interesting fella.
 
monogamy is intrinsically based in exploitation. you have sex only with me in exchange for these benefits that i provide you.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

i lack respect for a jackass coming on to this board and posting things that look like they were written by a very slow 8th grader.
 
:chug: Wow. I am not even going to touch this one. Your anger shows your insecurities. Your have a deep resentment for people who have the ability to express their emotions and still remain happy. Keep standing tall Kit, its lonely at the top.
 
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