What would you do to improve this quick villanelle?

P

Peter

New member
My heart aches for the one beside the door
Who stands in rags and abject loneliness
With eyes that look beyond the farthest shore,
Beyond the gilded lies right to the core
And what is there - an awful emptiness.
My heart aches for the one beside the door.
Perhaps it is his way I can’t ignore
Of questioning in perfect quietness
With eyes that look beyond the farthest shore
And see a bloody and eternal war
Where he must trust and yet lose nonetheless.
My heart aches for the one beside the door
Though we exchange a glance and nothing more
And I ache for my utter callousness
With eyes that look beyond the farthest shore.
I’ve come to understand which one is poor
And which one has a virtue to possess.
My heart aches for the one beside the door
With eyes that look beyond the farthest shore.
No TDs from me.
 
You stare at me and see what is not here
Look at the melting life surrounding you
These rags, this loneliness will disappear
As all the laughing stars, the joy and fear.

And yes you see the quiet emptiness
You stare at me and see what is not here
This world is one of noise yet you can’t hear
The reasons for mysterious nothingness

These rags, this loneliness will disappear
But you must stand with sword to kill your self
And ‘long with it, life’s varied pettiness
You stare at me and see what is not here

Hence gaze some more, I hear your coming clear
For to see will require some readiness
These rags, this loneliness will disappear
Your eyes they tell me that to Truth you’re near

Don’t close your weary senses nonetheless
You stare at me and see what is not here
These rags, this loneliness will disappear.
 
I found the repeats had a lot of validity and the piece itself painfully good by way of imagery and as an inspiring piece. I'd like to borrow a line, but change it to post what I felt through this, but won't unless you allow it.
 
All I can think of is that a color word might have improved it, although I guess the word "gilded" implies there is a gold veneer on the lies, whatever those lies are.
 
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