vishalxyzrepsol
New member
Hey ,
I am Vish and i am 18 years old. I have spent past 2 years of my life living by myself in a country that is the literal other end of the world from my home town. I have seen various cultures and have always been a very social person. Fortunate enough, I have always found friends wherever i go. But I have never had a relationship. At first It used to bother me quite a bit but then as i grew towards the end of my 17th year I kind of realize that i had to focus more towards my career. Today its exactly 2 months away from my 19th birthday and I am starting to feel the emptiness again. Sometimes i feel unloved, get a little lonely and get sad. Perhaps I am also confused if this is because I am away from my family or just because i still haven't found someone who is close to me.
Over years of being in a stage of "wishing for a special someone" stage i have gone through many phases. I have also realized that i tend to get really scared as soon as i get intimate with someone. I often tend to over think , get pissed off for over thinking and end up ruining things. I have always been in search of reasons behind this issue. Some conclusions arrived at "mother issues" while some arrived at "there is something wrong with me".
My childhood has not been so much my favorite. Even though my parents have always loved me , cared a lot about me and have financially always supported me , I still feel that i haven't had the love. When i'm alone, I often find myself Thinking back how my parents never gave me a surprise birthday gift, How they never bought something without my notice, or never did anything that i never expected. I often feel that even though my parents always loved me , they only showed it by giving me money and spending money on me. Also, I don't know how wrong i am to say this but, I feel I have never received as much love from my mother. OR maybe I have done something that hurt her so much that she just couldn't love me as much anymore. Yet, I have always cared about my dad. Even today when i have any achievement i always think " How proud is my dad going to be"
The second phase of my life was a girl issue. There was This girl I had a crush on for 6 years. Now this wasn't a like, because even when i look back at it now I feel that we had something. Now you may think i must be just attracted to her beauty or something but It wasn't just that. Now this girl wasn't some popular , cool kids girl. She was just a normal humble person, i thought she was the most gorgeous girl, and i don't think i ever found anyone else who agreed with me lol but i still think she was
Now, the story was . I feel for this girl in my 6th grade, i used to trip when she tried to talk to me, and this went on until 9th grade when she left the school. Nothing much happened after this , i lost absolute contact with this girl for about 3 years . Now it was time that i graduated 12th grade, I was looking for college and ended up deciding to move to the US.
It is 26th august of 2010 , the day i leave for US all by myself. I am all packed up and ready to leave and just checking Facebook for one last time . and suddenly out of no where, This girl sends me a message on Facebook. We talk, for about an hour , and that hour literally changed my 3 years of living without her. and now she is there on my Facebook half hour before i leave for the US , telling that she leaves for NY in the flight right after mine. I am flabbergasted. Shocked, Happy, Smiling, and there is too much going through my mind for me to interpret. and boom! days pass by we didn't talk much, i called her after a couple days and then that was the last time i talked to her since then. We exchange messages once or twice but thats about it. anyways, she is still in NY , hopefully single, and I am in Florida writing this post.
Thus here I am trying to find a reason behind all these things , and hoping to get the wrong corrected.
so tell me forum. What do you think is wrong here?
I am Vish and i am 18 years old. I have spent past 2 years of my life living by myself in a country that is the literal other end of the world from my home town. I have seen various cultures and have always been a very social person. Fortunate enough, I have always found friends wherever i go. But I have never had a relationship. At first It used to bother me quite a bit but then as i grew towards the end of my 17th year I kind of realize that i had to focus more towards my career. Today its exactly 2 months away from my 19th birthday and I am starting to feel the emptiness again. Sometimes i feel unloved, get a little lonely and get sad. Perhaps I am also confused if this is because I am away from my family or just because i still haven't found someone who is close to me.
Over years of being in a stage of "wishing for a special someone" stage i have gone through many phases. I have also realized that i tend to get really scared as soon as i get intimate with someone. I often tend to over think , get pissed off for over thinking and end up ruining things. I have always been in search of reasons behind this issue. Some conclusions arrived at "mother issues" while some arrived at "there is something wrong with me".
My childhood has not been so much my favorite. Even though my parents have always loved me , cared a lot about me and have financially always supported me , I still feel that i haven't had the love. When i'm alone, I often find myself Thinking back how my parents never gave me a surprise birthday gift, How they never bought something without my notice, or never did anything that i never expected. I often feel that even though my parents always loved me , they only showed it by giving me money and spending money on me. Also, I don't know how wrong i am to say this but, I feel I have never received as much love from my mother. OR maybe I have done something that hurt her so much that she just couldn't love me as much anymore. Yet, I have always cared about my dad. Even today when i have any achievement i always think " How proud is my dad going to be"
The second phase of my life was a girl issue. There was This girl I had a crush on for 6 years. Now this wasn't a like, because even when i look back at it now I feel that we had something. Now you may think i must be just attracted to her beauty or something but It wasn't just that. Now this girl wasn't some popular , cool kids girl. She was just a normal humble person, i thought she was the most gorgeous girl, and i don't think i ever found anyone else who agreed with me lol but i still think she was
Now, the story was . I feel for this girl in my 6th grade, i used to trip when she tried to talk to me, and this went on until 9th grade when she left the school. Nothing much happened after this , i lost absolute contact with this girl for about 3 years . Now it was time that i graduated 12th grade, I was looking for college and ended up deciding to move to the US.
It is 26th august of 2010 , the day i leave for US all by myself. I am all packed up and ready to leave and just checking Facebook for one last time . and suddenly out of no where, This girl sends me a message on Facebook. We talk, for about an hour , and that hour literally changed my 3 years of living without her. and now she is there on my Facebook half hour before i leave for the US , telling that she leaves for NY in the flight right after mine. I am flabbergasted. Shocked, Happy, Smiling, and there is too much going through my mind for me to interpret. and boom! days pass by we didn't talk much, i called her after a couple days and then that was the last time i talked to her since then. We exchange messages once or twice but thats about it. anyways, she is still in NY , hopefully single, and I am in Florida writing this post.
Thus here I am trying to find a reason behind all these things , and hoping to get the wrong corrected.
so tell me forum. What do you think is wrong here?