What do you think of this poem I wrote about the girl I like?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Orphan's Galley
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Orphan's Galley

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Of course, she doesn't know it's about her.
This is my first draft I wrote earlier. I want to rearrange it a bit and maybe make it into a song.

I'm curious to hear others' opinions or constructive criticism first.
Here it is:


In the center of a field, underneath the overlapping power lines, she stands,

Fragile limbs hold steady against the fast approaching storm,

I close my eyes, bite my lip,
I can see her better than I ever have before,

The air is thick with the scent of rain,
She extends her arms to embrace the sky,
Pale eyes stare into grey infinity,

Anticipating Chaos, so she may take comfort in his unpredictability,

In dreams, I will pray for her to give me all her faults, pain, and sickness,
In exchange for my unwavering desire for a purpose,

I’ll keep my fingers crossed until they break,
I’ve got no better use for them anyway,

I’ll keep wandering by the blue light from the moon,
Following the lightning flashes in the distance,

Tracing all the power lines.
 
i think it's beautiful....if she really is how you picture her i think she'll love this!
 
Is it about a girl or the weather? Yeah its ok, not bery deep tho. Try to make it rhyme if you wanna make it a song, its more catchy!!
 
That's beautiful =)
I wish someone would write me a poem.. hint hint..
Lol jokes.
 
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