What do you think of this poem I wrote a few years back?

A

audrey

New member
The story behind this: I thought I was madly in love with this man I met when I was younger. He was 20, and I was 15. Of course, later I realised what he really wanted and what a fool I was to believe a grown man would actually fall in love with a kid like me. I wrote this poem to describe how I felt, and I've always loved it because of the emotion it held. What do you think?

I get this feeling when I'm around him...
It feels like butterflies.
I always freeze up when he gets near...
so I will try and make this clear.

I need him to love me,
like i love him too.
I want him to hold me,
just how I want him too.

Hes everything to me,
and more.
Everything I ever wanted,
all the things I wished for.

He is my perfect fantasy,
my one and only.
Im writing out this perfect dream,
but thats all it will ever be.

Theres nothing there in between,
except the love I feel.
Theres nothing more i could ask for,
I just want this to be real.

So in the end, this I say,
without him my world is dim.
these four words running through my mind,
And I love him...
 
I think it is a good poem...But I think you need to establish a deeper connection with your emotions and the words of your mind. If you can think of words that are deeper than just: "He is my perfect fantasy, my one and only. I'm writing out this perfect dream, but that's all it will ever be." and turn it into some thing like this:

"He is my untainted paradise, he's like a vivid sunrise. I'm sketching out this spotless fantasy... Is that all we'll ever be?"

Using bigger and detailed words will make the poem more catchy, and also help you to become a better writer.

Best wishes in your writing. You do have a gift...You can make it better. :D
 
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