Here's the opening excerpt from a short story I wrote. I may or may not keep this as the beginning, but I don't know. Regardless of that, I'm just looking for feedback on the writing itself for this passage =) Thanks in advance!
Duncan blinks slowly, squinting at the sunlit window through ill-adjusted eyes. His eyes dart frantically about the room, making sure all is right, all is real. The dressers, the doors, the walls, the ceiling, the windows, and finally his beloved. Mary is stiff as she lays there, looking intently at him yet not speaking a word. She rather seemed to inspect his inner self than his outer, wondering how he could get so wound up over some ridiculous dream.
“I think you should just relax!" she says, emphasizing relax. "Work has left you pretty stressed. You know what’s good medicine for that? Shopping.”
Duncan looks at her with a playful smirk, hands clasped behind his head. “Shopping?" he asks, yawning. "Is that your answer for everything? Throw money at life's problems until it howls uncle?”
“Of course!”
They laughed; she at his facial expression, he at the concept.
“I think it was a message of some kind. A road sign from a Higher Presence, you know?”
“This again? What’s so wrong with your life? You have me, and my love. You have a great job that could fill the pool on our patio with cash in a matter of weeks. Oh, Ben Franklin..." Her voice drifts as the name rolls dreamily off her tongue, as if she wished his hundred dollar face was the one lying next to her in bed. She continues "You even have this luxurious house -- granted its only three stories, but it has twenty rooms. You're not happy unless there’s something broken that needs fixing. Just be happy with what you have and go with it.” She's one to talk, he thinks.
Duncan turns onto his side. Slowly, he rises from the sunken mattress, not knowing how to uphold his part of such a conversation. A soft hand caresses his arm, trying to lure him back to bed.
“I need to leave," he tells her. "I have a long day ahead of me. And you don’t expect me to make money by simply laying in bed with you, right?”
“Hmmm…I’m sure we could arrange something.”
“I think I’ll pass.”
Duncan blinks slowly, squinting at the sunlit window through ill-adjusted eyes. His eyes dart frantically about the room, making sure all is right, all is real. The dressers, the doors, the walls, the ceiling, the windows, and finally his beloved. Mary is stiff as she lays there, looking intently at him yet not speaking a word. She rather seemed to inspect his inner self than his outer, wondering how he could get so wound up over some ridiculous dream.
“I think you should just relax!" she says, emphasizing relax. "Work has left you pretty stressed. You know what’s good medicine for that? Shopping.”
Duncan looks at her with a playful smirk, hands clasped behind his head. “Shopping?" he asks, yawning. "Is that your answer for everything? Throw money at life's problems until it howls uncle?”
“Of course!”
They laughed; she at his facial expression, he at the concept.
“I think it was a message of some kind. A road sign from a Higher Presence, you know?”
“This again? What’s so wrong with your life? You have me, and my love. You have a great job that could fill the pool on our patio with cash in a matter of weeks. Oh, Ben Franklin..." Her voice drifts as the name rolls dreamily off her tongue, as if she wished his hundred dollar face was the one lying next to her in bed. She continues "You even have this luxurious house -- granted its only three stories, but it has twenty rooms. You're not happy unless there’s something broken that needs fixing. Just be happy with what you have and go with it.” She's one to talk, he thinks.
Duncan turns onto his side. Slowly, he rises from the sunken mattress, not knowing how to uphold his part of such a conversation. A soft hand caresses his arm, trying to lure him back to bed.
“I need to leave," he tells her. "I have a long day ahead of me. And you don’t expect me to make money by simply laying in bed with you, right?”
“Hmmm…I’m sure we could arrange something.”
“I think I’ll pass.”