I am writing a statement of financial need and came up with this. However, I think some things may be too personal... Please read and tell me what you think...
(1) I am an 18 year old male and I have Anorexia Nervosa. (2) While some people rid themselves of stress and anger through eating or taking a drink I release my frustration by starving myself. (3) The physiological and emotional effects of this disorder create stigmas for those suffering with this disease in that society labels them as “causing their own affliction”.(4) To raise awareness about this disorder and its effects on young men, I have decided to pursue a degree in nursing at Georgia Perimeter College. (5) My disorder has limited my ability to obtain a steady job, in that people do not want to hire anyone especially a male who may pass out at moment’s notices or stop eating when he is under pressure.(6) Yet, I feel my condition is no different than a person suffering from depression or chronic fatigue syndrome.(7) Because of my condition and my inability to secure a steady job, my grandparents have been assisting me and funding my college education. (8)They support my dream to become an advocate for males with this disordering addition they hang their hopes that I will be the first one in my family to obtain a college degree.(9) Although they have been able to support me for the past two years, their fixed income is becoming increasingly difficult for them to fund my education.(10) I am currently a freshman at Georgia Perimeter College and maintain a 4.0 grade point average and I am able to take a heavy load of classes despite my condition. (11) Therefore, I petition the department of AHPS for financial assistance so that I can continue my education and ultimately become a nurse and advocate for males who have this disorder. (12) In addition, I want to educate and dispel this about the disease and its causes. (13)Without this financial assistance, I will be unable to peruse my dreams and fulfill the hopes of my grandparents; without this financial assistance so many males will all remain silent about their condition and treatment to correct this disorder.
I think sentence sentence 2, and everything in sentence 5 after "job" should be taken out...what do you think?
(1) I am an 18 year old male and I have Anorexia Nervosa. (2) While some people rid themselves of stress and anger through eating or taking a drink I release my frustration by starving myself. (3) The physiological and emotional effects of this disorder create stigmas for those suffering with this disease in that society labels them as “causing their own affliction”.(4) To raise awareness about this disorder and its effects on young men, I have decided to pursue a degree in nursing at Georgia Perimeter College. (5) My disorder has limited my ability to obtain a steady job, in that people do not want to hire anyone especially a male who may pass out at moment’s notices or stop eating when he is under pressure.(6) Yet, I feel my condition is no different than a person suffering from depression or chronic fatigue syndrome.(7) Because of my condition and my inability to secure a steady job, my grandparents have been assisting me and funding my college education. (8)They support my dream to become an advocate for males with this disordering addition they hang their hopes that I will be the first one in my family to obtain a college degree.(9) Although they have been able to support me for the past two years, their fixed income is becoming increasingly difficult for them to fund my education.(10) I am currently a freshman at Georgia Perimeter College and maintain a 4.0 grade point average and I am able to take a heavy load of classes despite my condition. (11) Therefore, I petition the department of AHPS for financial assistance so that I can continue my education and ultimately become a nurse and advocate for males who have this disorder. (12) In addition, I want to educate and dispel this about the disease and its causes. (13)Without this financial assistance, I will be unable to peruse my dreams and fulfill the hopes of my grandparents; without this financial assistance so many males will all remain silent about their condition and treatment to correct this disorder.
I think sentence sentence 2, and everything in sentence 5 after "job" should be taken out...what do you think?