What do you think of my poem?

C

Cindarella R

New member
Dragonflies

Ah, little bug I
ran from you for so long and now I seek
an audience with you.

"To dance on wings as delicate as these!
To Be free. To be Free!
That's why you seek an audience with me."

And I caught the ball they threw across the field, even though i wasn't playing.I only caught it in my mind
but now i find myself smiling as I sing Bells for Her at the top of my lungs and share an umbrella on rickety bleachers in a public baseball field.only in my memories does she smile at me.
Won't I learn from the past and not
wager a bet on this one:
"Will you be friends forever?"

But the time for friends has passed.It is a lover I needed then.. And, yes He loves my soul
If I had known Him sooner, I might have lived a louder life before the silence cut my life in two.And then the violence.

her brother lost the game that day, I think, but the rain made every thing okay
Sometimes it complicates things

"Try trying to fly
with
sodden wings. Puts a damper on things!"

And now the buzzing. Over the water, by the dock, I cast my line into the lake and nothing bit. It came back empty and alone.
And they skipped across the water, mocking me in their beauty, but I, too blind to see, was afraid and I ran.
from dragonflies
FYI: The spacing, punctuation, and capitalization is they way it is because that's how I felt when I wrote it.
It's kind of a stream-of-consciousness thing.
 
i really think you're an excellent writer. you took a simple little thing, a dragonfly, and you made it into something...you're very creative!
 
Interesting narrative, stream of consciousness, as you say. I liked the metaphor of the rain. I found the line "If I had known Him sooner, I might have lived a louder life before the silence cut my life in two." confusing. It was kind of a jolt. The changes in tense from the present "And yes, he loves my soul" to the past imperfect followed by the dangling clause made it bit difficult to read. Nice conclusion. Good stuff overall. Thanks for sharing.
 
Dragonflies represent freedom of life you are already living without fear of death or any other aspect of uncertainty..then again life is uncertain..like this story..life is full of wonder..amazement..passion..and sincerity...=]
 
Pretty imagery, great tying subjects together. Eliminate words that are unnecessary. Don't change your tense, the reader gets confused. A suggestion for the last stanza: They skip across the water, mocking me with their beauty. I run away afraid and blind- of dragonflies.
 
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