U
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I need your opinions(harsh!) on how I can fix this poem. Please, I am reading it to many! And an overall opinion is appreciated too. Thanks in advance.
A simple deed:
Pick up some milk,
From the market,
Beloved pendant upon my neck.
A dark road,
A myriad of cars.
Sudden screeches and screams.
All that is seen,
Is a bright light.
Awoken from this,
Endless nightmare.
Now here I am,
But where is "here?"
My vacant home.
How did I arrive?
What shall this feeling be?
A pale face,
Cold hands?
Why is my heart,
Not pounding in my chest?
Is my neck barren?
Oh, my pendant.
Slightly misplaced.
Hadn't it been hung,
In this barren area?
In the distance,
My eyes spot,
A luminescent glow,
My pendant is seen,
Obsolete as can be,
Resting gently like dew,
On a desolate stone,
A tombstone,
With my name inscribed.
My arm slowly extends,
To feel this cold stone,
And obtain my pendant.
Nothing seems to move,
Not the dust,
Nor the pendant,
Am I dissipating,
Into my tomb?
Have I spoken a goodbye,
But just heard silence?
A simple deed:
Pick up some milk,
From the market,
Beloved pendant upon my neck.
A dark road,
A myriad of cars.
Sudden screeches and screams.
All that is seen,
Is a bright light.
Awoken from this,
Endless nightmare.
Now here I am,
But where is "here?"
My vacant home.
How did I arrive?
What shall this feeling be?
A pale face,
Cold hands?
Why is my heart,
Not pounding in my chest?
Is my neck barren?
Oh, my pendant.
Slightly misplaced.
Hadn't it been hung,
In this barren area?
In the distance,
My eyes spot,
A luminescent glow,
My pendant is seen,
Obsolete as can be,
Resting gently like dew,
On a desolate stone,
A tombstone,
With my name inscribed.
My arm slowly extends,
To feel this cold stone,
And obtain my pendant.
Nothing seems to move,
Not the dust,
Nor the pendant,
Am I dissipating,
Into my tomb?
Have I spoken a goodbye,
But just heard silence?