Please be completely honest, no sugar coating!
This is version 1(basically free handed it)
Weve been trained to feel this way
Search for a swank swimming pool
But it’s shallow and cold
Drown’s you if you fold
We’re searching for a swimming pool
Easy and fast
Sickly sweet and crass
Just deep enough to submerge
You breathe in deep and you step to the verge
Of an eight foot board begging you to jump
But that’s not who I am
I wont trade a million chlorine bowls for an ocean on the sand
Not a pompous pool parading as something deep
I choose something on which the herrings reap
Something more
Bitter and violent
Yet sullen and silent
Something amazing and blue
Beautiful and true
Attainable, yet completely out of view
Afterwards i revised it completely and gave it structure
Version 2
Weve been trained to feel this way
To search for a swank swimming pool
Though it’s shallow and cold
Drown’s you if you fold
But you thirst all the same
We’re searching for a swimming pool
All we want is it’s languid touch
Easy and fast
Refreshing and crass
For a moment or so, at least.
The waters reflect an image
Like a magic mirrored surface
Of all your wants and needs
A mosaic montage of a similar creed
With destruction a pebble away
The depth instills no fear
For it is not as deep as you
Only deep enough to slightly submerge
You breathe in deep and you step to the verge
Of an eight foot board begging you to jump
But that’s not who I am
I would trade ten million chlorine bowls for an ocean on the sand
Not a pompous pool parading as something deep
I choose something on which the herrings reap
And where people sit on docks of the bay
Something more
Bitter and violent
Yet sullen and silent
Something amazing and blue
Beautiful and true
Attainable, yet completely out of view
Will you please give input on which direction i should go in and legitimately critique? Thanks.
This is version 1(basically free handed it)
Weve been trained to feel this way
Search for a swank swimming pool
But it’s shallow and cold
Drown’s you if you fold
We’re searching for a swimming pool
Easy and fast
Sickly sweet and crass
Just deep enough to submerge
You breathe in deep and you step to the verge
Of an eight foot board begging you to jump
But that’s not who I am
I wont trade a million chlorine bowls for an ocean on the sand
Not a pompous pool parading as something deep
I choose something on which the herrings reap
Something more
Bitter and violent
Yet sullen and silent
Something amazing and blue
Beautiful and true
Attainable, yet completely out of view
Afterwards i revised it completely and gave it structure
Version 2
Weve been trained to feel this way
To search for a swank swimming pool
Though it’s shallow and cold
Drown’s you if you fold
But you thirst all the same
We’re searching for a swimming pool
All we want is it’s languid touch
Easy and fast
Refreshing and crass
For a moment or so, at least.
The waters reflect an image
Like a magic mirrored surface
Of all your wants and needs
A mosaic montage of a similar creed
With destruction a pebble away
The depth instills no fear
For it is not as deep as you
Only deep enough to slightly submerge
You breathe in deep and you step to the verge
Of an eight foot board begging you to jump
But that’s not who I am
I would trade ten million chlorine bowls for an ocean on the sand
Not a pompous pool parading as something deep
I choose something on which the herrings reap
And where people sit on docks of the bay
Something more
Bitter and violent
Yet sullen and silent
Something amazing and blue
Beautiful and true
Attainable, yet completely out of view
Will you please give input on which direction i should go in and legitimately critique? Thanks.