What can I do to improve my poem?

M

Meredith H

New member
Ok. I wrote this poem concerning a friend. I would like your opinions on what could make this better. I would really, truly appreciate it. I spent a lot of time on it.
Here's the poem:
I know her pain, I've been there before.
It feels like your trapped in a room with no door.

There's no getting out, why bother trying?
I'm all bottled up, I'm afraid I'll start crying.

Believe me I've tried everything to make things right.
But I still find myself cutting each night.

It is wrong, I need it to end.
I say "I'm o.k.," but it's getting harder to pretend.

I feel so trapped, like there's no way out.
I've lost all hope, all that's left is doubt.

I'm making mistakes, and so are you.
There's something I know we both need to do.

We need to both stop, there must be a fix.
Cutting is pointless, like stupid cliques.

There's something out there that can help us.
We can get through this. We will be fearless.

Starting with smiles that turn into laughter.
If we stay positive, I know we'll get better.

Now that I know we'll both be o.k.
I'm throwing this chapter of my life away.

I do not regret it, because I have learned:
Many people love me, they all were concerned.

I am done now, and I'm happy to say:
I'm never looking back, its best this way.


-Ok I would really like it if you could give me constructive criticism. It would be greatly appreciated.
 
*It feels like your trapped in a room with no door*
(it should be you're, not your - grammar police)
*It is wrong, I need it to end / I say I'm ok but it's getting harder to pretend*
(the first part of this stanza should have more beats to be in sync with the second part)
*...can help us / We can get through this. We will be fearlessl*
("help us" and "fearless" don't rhyme well, just a thought)
Otherwise this is a very touching poem!
 
Exellent! All I can say is it might sound better if you changed its to it is in the last line
And I have also gone through this before
A few days ago, I found out what I had done to all my friends and family and started crying
I feel like sending a postcard to post secret saying
I miss you, and I'm sorry for making you worry about me
 
i like it u focus not only on bad but also on good only critisism is that not all the lines rhyme some do some dnt but u getting ur point across
 
Your friend is going through an ordeal
which is very real.
The pain can about anything
it will bring
Your comfort to her
is something you went through
so maybe she lost someone dear
or
Someone at one point abused her
It is important to help each other
She is easily giving up
why bother trying.
What ever happened don't back
move forward
 
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