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What are some good jokes that you could tell?
- Thread starter brooke
- Start date
T
tinania
Guest
an irish man is sitting at a bar talking to the bartender and he's getting pretty drunk when all of a sudden he goes "you see those barrels there? I made those barrels, with my own two hands I had to measure it and everything myself, but do they call me johnny the barrel maker? NO!" johnny continues drinking and then comes the second outburst "you see this very bar? I made with this myself, I had to hammer it and everything alone! but do they call me johnny the bar maker? NO!" johnny takes one more drink and with a final burst says "you see that dock out there, I made it myself I worked for months with only may hands and hammering in the nails but do they call me johnny the dock maker? NO! BUT YOU FUCK ONE SHEEP!....
Ha, ok, i'll try ~
What kind of shoes do mice wear?
- Squeakers! ha
Why did the Buffalo Bills go to the bank?
- To get their Quarter-back
What did one penguin say to the other?
- I'm cold.
What did the guy that owns the china shop say to the bull?
- Get outta here! ( say it funny whilst gesturing with ur thumb backwards to leave)
What ain't your cheese?
- Nacho cheese! ( say it out loud)
What'd the cake say to the candle?
- Get the f*ck off my back!
Hey wanna hear a good joke?~ Yo mamma! ( lol it cracked me up wen i heard it)
more--
There was this guy that went to the doctor to get is sperm counted.The lady behind the desk handed him a jar and said, "Bring it back tomorrow, full." He says, "Okay, I'll be back tomorrow then."
Well he goes home and comes back the next day, and he hands the woman the jar. She says, "Nothing's in it." The man responds, "Well, I went home and I tried with my right hand and I tried with my left hand and nothing happend. I called my wife into the room, and she tried with her right hand and she tried with her left hand. Nothing still happend. Well, we called our neighbor and she came over, and she tried with her right hand ans she tried with her left hand, and still nothing happened.
And the woman behind the counter looked stunned and asked, "You asked your neighbor over to help you!?" And he says, "Yeah, we couldn't get the jar open."
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Knock knock
who's there?
boo
boo who?
don't cry it's only a joke! ;]
Once there was a man with a wooden eye. One day he was with his friends at a dance, and was tired of being rejected for having a wooden eye, when his friend says " Hey look at that pretty girl with a hook for a nose... you should ask her to dance!" The man eagerly walks over and says "Would you like to dance?" To which she gladly responds " Would I!" and he shouts " HOOK NOSE HOOK NOSE!" ^^
What kind of shoes do mice wear?
- Squeakers! ha
Why did the Buffalo Bills go to the bank?
- To get their Quarter-back
What did one penguin say to the other?
- I'm cold.
What did the guy that owns the china shop say to the bull?
- Get outta here! ( say it funny whilst gesturing with ur thumb backwards to leave)
What ain't your cheese?
- Nacho cheese! ( say it out loud)
What'd the cake say to the candle?
- Get the f*ck off my back!
Hey wanna hear a good joke?~ Yo mamma! ( lol it cracked me up wen i heard it)
more--
There was this guy that went to the doctor to get is sperm counted.The lady behind the desk handed him a jar and said, "Bring it back tomorrow, full." He says, "Okay, I'll be back tomorrow then."
Well he goes home and comes back the next day, and he hands the woman the jar. She says, "Nothing's in it." The man responds, "Well, I went home and I tried with my right hand and I tried with my left hand and nothing happend. I called my wife into the room, and she tried with her right hand and she tried with her left hand. Nothing still happend. Well, we called our neighbor and she came over, and she tried with her right hand ans she tried with her left hand, and still nothing happened.
And the woman behind the counter looked stunned and asked, "You asked your neighbor over to help you!?" And he says, "Yeah, we couldn't get the jar open."
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Knock knock
who's there?
boo
boo who?
don't cry it's only a joke! ;]
Once there was a man with a wooden eye. One day he was with his friends at a dance, and was tired of being rejected for having a wooden eye, when his friend says " Hey look at that pretty girl with a hook for a nose... you should ask her to dance!" The man eagerly walks over and says "Would you like to dance?" To which she gladly responds " Would I!" and he shouts " HOOK NOSE HOOK NOSE!" ^^
I've got some cheesy one's for you!
How do you make Lady Gaga shut up?
---Pok-her-face---
Why did the Ketchup Blush?
---He saw the Chicken Strip---
Why did the Salad Blush?
---He saw the Salad Dressing---
No Offense to any Blondes put there!!!
One day a blonde went out to check her mail box. Five minutes later she does this process again ... she does this five different times. The last time she did it her neighbour who was looking at this through the window commented, 'U must have something very important coming .. the way u keep checking your mailbox that way. Then the blond says no I'm working on my computer and it keeps saying that I've got mail.
A blonde and her boyfriend were driving in a car past a cornfield listening to the radio. The dj had just finished telling a blonde joke, the blonde saidL "I hate how people make fun of blondes." Just then they passed a blonde canoeing in the cornfield, the blonde in the car says: "You see, it's blondes like that, that give us blondes a bad name," she continues, "If I could swim I'd go out there and drown her!"
And my Personal Favorite!!!!
All the blondes in the world decided to have a "blonde people convention". at the convention the chairman said to the crowd "Today we are going to prove to the world that Blondes are not dumb! i am going to pick some one from the crowd to answer a question, and after he/she answers it, the world will know how smart we really are!" so he picked a girl from the front row and she came on stage. the chairman asked her "whats 2+2?" "6" she said the crowd screamed "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" so the chairman said "ok, one more chance. whats 4+3?" "2" she said The crowd shouted "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" the chairman said "fine... but this is you LAST chance. Whats 5+3?" "8" she said the crowd shouted "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
How do you make Lady Gaga shut up?
---Pok-her-face---
Why did the Ketchup Blush?
---He saw the Chicken Strip---
Why did the Salad Blush?
---He saw the Salad Dressing---
No Offense to any Blondes put there!!!
One day a blonde went out to check her mail box. Five minutes later she does this process again ... she does this five different times. The last time she did it her neighbour who was looking at this through the window commented, 'U must have something very important coming .. the way u keep checking your mailbox that way. Then the blond says no I'm working on my computer and it keeps saying that I've got mail.
A blonde and her boyfriend were driving in a car past a cornfield listening to the radio. The dj had just finished telling a blonde joke, the blonde saidL "I hate how people make fun of blondes." Just then they passed a blonde canoeing in the cornfield, the blonde in the car says: "You see, it's blondes like that, that give us blondes a bad name," she continues, "If I could swim I'd go out there and drown her!"
And my Personal Favorite!!!!
All the blondes in the world decided to have a "blonde people convention". at the convention the chairman said to the crowd "Today we are going to prove to the world that Blondes are not dumb! i am going to pick some one from the crowd to answer a question, and after he/she answers it, the world will know how smart we really are!" so he picked a girl from the front row and she came on stage. the chairman asked her "whats 2+2?" "6" she said the crowd screamed "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" so the chairman said "ok, one more chance. whats 4+3?" "2" she said The crowd shouted "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" the chairman said "fine... but this is you LAST chance. Whats 5+3?" "8" she said the crowd shouted "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"