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KiRby
Guest
Duh! No One Can Get Haircuts!
You know how gay men are always styling people? Usually it's sad ladies with sad problems like a case of Fatsy or chronic No-Boyfrienditis. They swoop up their hair and call everyone "honey" and then voila! The lady emerges a big fat single dynamo in some J. Jill threads with a sassy, spiky new bob hairdid. So if the gays (and their lady stylist supporters) were to take a day off from fritzing around with scissors while Amanda Ghost blares on the speakers above them, what would happen? People would all feel sad and weighed down by a fairyless world. It would be like when Tink almost dies in Peter Pan. Only instead of clapping you have to overturn hideous institutionalized bigotry. Come on! Everyone now! Overturn!!!
There Would Be No Celebrity Gossip
It's true! Certain gay people write showbiz secrets for a living—like Perez Hilton and the guy from Dlisted and A.J. Hammer (probably). Without these noble souls, for one whole day, the internet would be a barren landscape of sports reporting and financial news. And gross straight pornography. And, actually, you wouldn't be able to read Lifehacker, even! The internet is full of gays and run by gays so I guess everyone would just have to, gulp, do work. And no one wants that. Ask yourself this: What's more important, Tim and Tom not desecrating the holy tradition of marriage, or you not having to sit idly at your desk for eight hours while the cursor on that spreadsheet blinks mercilessly at you, like the telltale heart? I think you know the right answer.
Your Children Will Not Be Having Gym Class Today
So many lesbian gym teachers these days, what with the sports and all. This means that your children will be lazier and fatter than usual, right before Christmas break, when they will be laziest and fattest for a whole week. This is not a good thing. Also, do you like looking at the sleek lines of Subaru automobiles when you drive down the street? Well you can say goodbye to that, they'll be gone. There will be no more landscape architects or cello teachers or comediennes! They will all cease to exist for one overgrown, atonal, mirthless day. Oh and did I mention mullets with flannel? That will be scarce. And Northampton, MA will just wink out of existence entirely. Goodbye, Seven Sisters!
All Of These Dumb Stereotypes Will Be Proven False
Or, you know, people will see that nice gay and lesbian folk are everywhere around them. Stopping traffic for their kids, delivering mail, folding t-shirts, baking bread, teaching maths, governing cities, practicing medicine, hilariously defending your civil rights in courts of law, fighting impossible wars so you don't have to, and so and so on, forever and ever. It probably won't come to as full fruition as everyone would like (these things never do), but if it did! For some come-together reason, if people really did. Well my oh my, that would probably be a staggering something. And then the next day Ricky could wave goodbye to his husband Donald and go cut some motherfuckin' hair. And Donald would sit down at the home office and whisper sweetly in your ear about Jessica Simpson, while her publicist (they are gay too!) denies it. And Darlene would score a goal during field hockey while Ms. Clemson watches and nods and smiles and claps her hands, and the streets are pleasantly choked with greeny Outbacks and Foresters and the world spins on like it always has, except now for some reason, it feels just a little bit rounder.
[Image via LolGay]
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