poisonkisses4me
New member
Bad morning.
I am not going to even try to keep this short. If you're gonna post a TL;DR, better have something to say, dipshit.
Okay, first of all, I am aware that I contradict myself on more than just several occasions, and I know I can trust you to point it out without asking (well, some of you anyway).
Most of you probably don't remember me, I posted like what, 10, 20 times? And on top of that I rarely bothered to actually read someone else's thread.
Let's take a look at my life. I've got a couple really good friends, and I don't care about the rest. I go to highschool (summer holidays now, hail satan to that!), my grades are mostly pretty good (okay, they've dropped a bit for the last period, but I've been lazy, I know I'll proably do as well or even better next year. For those of you who don't know, we have a five-period school year around here), and yeah, I hate it as much as most people do.
I've got a few hobbies that I enjoy to some extent. Now that it's summer I ride my bmx pretty often, as long as it isn't in repair (like now, and almost a week left to wait to get it back, argh), I picked up the guitar some months ago. I played in a band on a synthetizator (I've played the piano for the gretare part of my life) for a while. I got bored with them, was going to leave, but they kicked me out first (they found someone new) :tongue:. Now I'm gathering something around me, we'll see how that goes, I've been trying to make some of my own music.
So far, seems fine, right? So, let's get to the next part. I'm fucked up (why else would I be posting this thread?). I don't really know where to start. Let's go with some sort of timeline. As a kid, it dawned to me that neither santa nor god exist. I grew up in an enviroment that was semireligious, that is, nothing particulalry religious but I was lead to believe that god exists. When it sort of dawned to me that it doesn't I thought I was the only one, I was like WOW ain't I smart, this was made up by humasn to control other humans, woot! (I was 6 or 7) You can imagine my surprise when I found out that their such a thing as atheism.
In school, I never quite fit in, never being the most popular kid, actually more like it.... Back then I hadn't learned to take any kind of joke at me, so it was kinda terrible, even though I don't remember much of it. Eventually I embraced it, partly because it was easier that way, partly becuse of reasons mentioned below. These days I like being alone quite a lot, I rarely enjoy myself when being with more than just a vouple of people - don't get me wrong, I don't feel uncomfortable, I'm just disgusted by people.
This brings us to humans. Dipshits. Homo Sapiens. The most fucked up race on the fucking planet, and I am disgusted that I belong to it. What do I hate about humans? Well, besides everything, including myself, let's start by the fact that most have a fucked up sense of morale (who am I to judge, my own ethics are pretty fucking questionable, but I think many here will agree with me), even though they should supposedly be able to understand what they are doing. So much shit in this world that I don't even care for nearly anything anymore. Now lets get to those with a sense of morale. They still let their motherfucking feelings control what they are doing instead of using their brain. Yeah, I know, feeligns are a part of being human. Fucking EXACTLY! The very damn reason I hate humanity. That's why I have been learning to control my feelign comepletely. My aim? To be able to switch any feeling on and off at any time. Hopeless? With this human body, probably. We will see, possibly this little project of mine will lead to suicide, even though I think my ego couldn't take the idea of me giving up so easily... That would just so damn (surprise!) HUMAN.
Now that I have said I hate feelings, let's get to the part I contradict myself. Feelings have their bright side. Life gets quite dull iwthout them, but I hate it when my feelings control me instead of the other way around. Slowly my brain is taking control, but we will see. I love rage, but only when I control the times when I vent it. Actually I like almost all feelings, as long as I can control when they take over and for how long. That fucks me up, because controlling them pretty much stops them from roaming free, the way it actually feels really good.
Now, let's get to my period. I don't know what the fuck, but once in a while, about once in 3-5 weeks a feeling of hopelessness takes over. I think about death, what's after, the fact that death makes all our life a big zero. I think about feelings. I think about what I have done with my life, everythign I could have done better, or earlier, or left undone. Then I realize that whatever option I take, I regret it because I just would never be able to find out what the other options would have brought me. All this gets me even more hopeless. I usualyl act normally on these days (that is, normally by my meaures), so noone really notices. By the end of the day it all turns to more or less silent rage (meaning I go outside to vent by riding my bike, without any protection, lots of rage, but the funniest thing is I have never fallen from my bike on these evening rides. The times I fall are allways when I feel normal. I guess rage gives me concentration...) If the rage is bad, I try to inflict pain on myself, but that's rare. I actually enjoy pain quite a lot, at least physical pain. I like being bitten, and I like to bite.
Emotional pain, well, I'm not sure about that.
I said I love some feelings, but the one I hate is love. Why? Well, I have absolutely no control over it. Yeah, I know it's supposed to be that way, fuck you. My expiriences with love have sucked major donkeyballs. 2 unanswered calls, and one call that was answered and then thrown at my face. I won't go into detail, that would make this post about 2x-3x longer, long enough already. So, I'll go into my latest venture, which will sort of partly explain my hate for love, at least from my side.
Let's see.
I'm in love? Check.
She's single? No check.
Noone but me wants her? Two times no check here either.
Is she being torn apart by whom she wants, chooses? Check.
Is she interseted in me? At least a check here.
Have I ceossed the friends-border? Check, way too far.
Have I made her life even harder by telling her I love her? Check. That makes three guys to choose from instead of two, that being two guys to hurt instead of one.
How do I feel? You make a guess. And on top of that pour my "period", which kicked in yesterday.
That's it for this morning, I'm hungry, let's see if there is any breakfast left for me.
I am not going to even try to keep this short. If you're gonna post a TL;DR, better have something to say, dipshit.
Okay, first of all, I am aware that I contradict myself on more than just several occasions, and I know I can trust you to point it out without asking (well, some of you anyway).
Most of you probably don't remember me, I posted like what, 10, 20 times? And on top of that I rarely bothered to actually read someone else's thread.
Let's take a look at my life. I've got a couple really good friends, and I don't care about the rest. I go to highschool (summer holidays now, hail satan to that!), my grades are mostly pretty good (okay, they've dropped a bit for the last period, but I've been lazy, I know I'll proably do as well or even better next year. For those of you who don't know, we have a five-period school year around here), and yeah, I hate it as much as most people do.
I've got a few hobbies that I enjoy to some extent. Now that it's summer I ride my bmx pretty often, as long as it isn't in repair (like now, and almost a week left to wait to get it back, argh), I picked up the guitar some months ago. I played in a band on a synthetizator (I've played the piano for the gretare part of my life) for a while. I got bored with them, was going to leave, but they kicked me out first (they found someone new) :tongue:. Now I'm gathering something around me, we'll see how that goes, I've been trying to make some of my own music.
So far, seems fine, right? So, let's get to the next part. I'm fucked up (why else would I be posting this thread?). I don't really know where to start. Let's go with some sort of timeline. As a kid, it dawned to me that neither santa nor god exist. I grew up in an enviroment that was semireligious, that is, nothing particulalry religious but I was lead to believe that god exists. When it sort of dawned to me that it doesn't I thought I was the only one, I was like WOW ain't I smart, this was made up by humasn to control other humans, woot! (I was 6 or 7) You can imagine my surprise when I found out that their such a thing as atheism.
In school, I never quite fit in, never being the most popular kid, actually more like it.... Back then I hadn't learned to take any kind of joke at me, so it was kinda terrible, even though I don't remember much of it. Eventually I embraced it, partly because it was easier that way, partly becuse of reasons mentioned below. These days I like being alone quite a lot, I rarely enjoy myself when being with more than just a vouple of people - don't get me wrong, I don't feel uncomfortable, I'm just disgusted by people.
This brings us to humans. Dipshits. Homo Sapiens. The most fucked up race on the fucking planet, and I am disgusted that I belong to it. What do I hate about humans? Well, besides everything, including myself, let's start by the fact that most have a fucked up sense of morale (who am I to judge, my own ethics are pretty fucking questionable, but I think many here will agree with me), even though they should supposedly be able to understand what they are doing. So much shit in this world that I don't even care for nearly anything anymore. Now lets get to those with a sense of morale. They still let their motherfucking feelings control what they are doing instead of using their brain. Yeah, I know, feeligns are a part of being human. Fucking EXACTLY! The very damn reason I hate humanity. That's why I have been learning to control my feelign comepletely. My aim? To be able to switch any feeling on and off at any time. Hopeless? With this human body, probably. We will see, possibly this little project of mine will lead to suicide, even though I think my ego couldn't take the idea of me giving up so easily... That would just so damn (surprise!) HUMAN.
Now that I have said I hate feelings, let's get to the part I contradict myself. Feelings have their bright side. Life gets quite dull iwthout them, but I hate it when my feelings control me instead of the other way around. Slowly my brain is taking control, but we will see. I love rage, but only when I control the times when I vent it. Actually I like almost all feelings, as long as I can control when they take over and for how long. That fucks me up, because controlling them pretty much stops them from roaming free, the way it actually feels really good.
Now, let's get to my period. I don't know what the fuck, but once in a while, about once in 3-5 weeks a feeling of hopelessness takes over. I think about death, what's after, the fact that death makes all our life a big zero. I think about feelings. I think about what I have done with my life, everythign I could have done better, or earlier, or left undone. Then I realize that whatever option I take, I regret it because I just would never be able to find out what the other options would have brought me. All this gets me even more hopeless. I usualyl act normally on these days (that is, normally by my meaures), so noone really notices. By the end of the day it all turns to more or less silent rage (meaning I go outside to vent by riding my bike, without any protection, lots of rage, but the funniest thing is I have never fallen from my bike on these evening rides. The times I fall are allways when I feel normal. I guess rage gives me concentration...) If the rage is bad, I try to inflict pain on myself, but that's rare. I actually enjoy pain quite a lot, at least physical pain. I like being bitten, and I like to bite.
Emotional pain, well, I'm not sure about that.I said I love some feelings, but the one I hate is love. Why? Well, I have absolutely no control over it. Yeah, I know it's supposed to be that way, fuck you. My expiriences with love have sucked major donkeyballs. 2 unanswered calls, and one call that was answered and then thrown at my face. I won't go into detail, that would make this post about 2x-3x longer, long enough already. So, I'll go into my latest venture, which will sort of partly explain my hate for love, at least from my side.
Let's see.
I'm in love? Check.
She's single? No check.
Noone but me wants her? Two times no check here either.
Is she being torn apart by whom she wants, chooses? Check.
Is she interseted in me? At least a check here.
Have I ceossed the friends-border? Check, way too far.
Have I made her life even harder by telling her I love her? Check. That makes three guys to choose from instead of two, that being two guys to hurt instead of one.
How do I feel? You make a guess. And on top of that pour my "period", which kicked in yesterday.
That's it for this morning, I'm hungry, let's see if there is any breakfast left for me.
