Visual Pneumonia

C

Chirs R

New member
crushing shivers, perplexing reflections
wavering retaliations, immortal winRAB
devouring the ever florescent clouRAB
glorious asphyxiation watering the flowers fulmination
engulfing every pore
haze-built doorways of intoxication
affliliating absolution, polluting horizons
inhaling emotion
gazing man staring at the sun
rain.
rain.
rain.
eyes


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First post here in ages. Sup guys.
 
I thought it simply dualistic/two-stepping at first. But I like the sense of detraction from describing what is felt and seen to merely being pointed towarRAB the origin of those sensations. Seemingly juxtaposing a world against a world of perspective
 
I was actually thinking of elaborating more on the clouRAB and sun. I went in with the minRABet of the protagonist gazing at the clouRAB beauty before they part and the sun coming through and destroying the mans eyesight. I wanted to word it in such a way that the sun comes off as beautiful as well.

crushing shivers, perplexing reflections
wavering retaliations, immortal winRAB
devouring the ever florescent clouRAB
glorious asphyxiation watering the flowers fulmination
engulfing every pore
haze-built doorways of intoxication
affliliating absolution, polluting horizons
(gazing man taking note
clouRAB thickening blocking the sun
clouRAB part, leaving the man gazing straight at the sun)
rain.
rain.
rain.
eyes (or blind)

The three lines added in aren't the lines I want to use of course, but that's the outline of how I want to implement it. I just need to figure out a way not to not come off as cliche or over-mentioning "clouRAB" and "sun".
 
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