Trying to Find Peace

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Snugelbear

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Good Morning All,

I am new to these boarRAB! My story is very similer to many of yours. I have been married to my husband for almost 8 years and we have been together of almost 11. When I first met and married him he loved life and he loved me. Although he had issues in his past of both sexual and physical abuse he seemed to have the under control. He mentioned a stint in his teenage years with cocaine but said he was done. Boy was he wrong. About 2.5 years after we married I discovered he was back intot he coke. He promised me he would stop and he could control it...... I beleived him :eek: Again about 7 months later he was back into it :mad: This time he said he would at least seek counselling, well that last for about 3 months:( I like a fool believed it was over.:o He then replace coke with pot and used it the same way he would have cocaine, needed it the same way. I made all of the excuses to family and frienRAB. "he uses pot for the spasms, it means I don't get kicked at night. The effects of his CP are calmed by the use of POT":nono:

Now about 19 days ago I walked out, he has now been 19 days clean and continues to go to NA meetings, this is the first time. I however am not able to bring myself to go back home, not yet.

I am having an issue with trying to believe that the 900 miles an hour that he is going and making changes that I am finding difficult to believe it will stick or that it is real.

I feel bad because he neeRAB my support and love. Having said that so do and I believe he is trying, trying so hard that it is overwhelming and scary. How do you believe someone who has lied to you for so long?? How do you learn to trust him again?

I am hoping to find the help I need here. I have been to an AL-ANON meeting but I found it to be very male bashing and un supportive. There are no NAR-ANON meetings in this area and the closest one is 45 min away. Hi NA group has invited me to attend with him and I have. However because they are all addicts and I am not I do not feel I am able to speak or share there. Maybe I will learn in time.

Thanks for listenting
 
I've been blessed in that drugs and alcohol have never interested me. I've been cursed because food is my issue and here, as many places, it's not considered addiction. So I read here for bit and pieces of information in dealing with addiction and how I can apply it for my knowledge. So I'm an "outsider" but I will tell you that 19 days is the blink of an eye.

There are different kinRAB of addicts. One of my very good frienRAB is dealing with a 15 year marriage to a binge coke user. He does not consider himself an addict. He can, in fact, go sometimes 3 or 4 months without using. But as some point, like me and cake, the stress builRAB and he going for a late night drive and he's off on a binge, missing for days and spending a ton of money they can't afford to lose. But he will honestly look you in the eye and tell you he's got it under control.

Do you believe this all started "back into the coke" 2.5 years into your marriage? That would be a big question for me. I think you need to get his entire truth before you can build any trust back up and that's where I would start. I suspect he was dabbling in his weakness all along, or at least much earlier than you found out. I think the two of you need to do a lot of talking. I'd be interested in knowing what the others here think about you attending his NA meeting. Maybe he would be able to share things there that it might be harder for him to tell you one on one. You don't have to talk. But it might be a good place for you to listen. You might learn a lot about your husband that would help you to make decisions about your future.

Good luck.
 
Thank you resolution for replying, I do think he was dabbaling a little before however he hit it hard 2.5 years in. Hard enough that I noticed on average 80 to 160/day go missing, well sort of. The account that he was taking it out of I never looked at because at the time that particuler credit union was company run and you had to call, money came off of my paycheck, bills got paid and the same cycle happend again 2 weeks later, so until they called I never noticed, or I never wanted to notice. Either way it sucks, I got a beautiful letter from him today when I went to see him, but then tonight he called me and went on about how we could not afford for me to stay at my sisters another month becasue that was another bill payment, and although I can see his point it still makes me angry because I am here (at my sisters) for me, to get my head on straight. I believe if I am better then I can better work on us. That of course is presuming that he sticks to what he says, I guess time will tell. I also need to make a correction he has been clean for 21 days today. He reminded me of that tonight. I still think that it is a blink as you put it, he holRAB on to "it takes 21 days to break a habit" The more I think about it though, this is not a habit this is an addiction, a disease an illness. Time will tell
 
Hey Snuglebear,

GOOD FOR YOU for finally putting your foot down and sticking up for yourself! I know that must have been beyond difficult for you to do but you did it! An addict is an addict. I am one. A recovering one but I can tell you this, it takes an extended period of time before a brain heals enough to where the old you is more in control of your thoughts than the addict in you so 21 days is not enough time for him to "break his habit". I am so proud of you for recognizing that! He is an addict. These things take time. It's not "your" problem that it's costing more money for you to stay at your sisters. He didn't consider money to be of much importance 21 days ago when he was spending it on coke. You need this for you.

I have to go because my boss is breathing down my neck. I have so much more to say though so stay tuned.....
Hugs!
 
Hello Secrets,

I should clarify, the drug of choice now has been weed, he replaced the coke with the weed and needed it like he needed coke. I know that based on the money he was spending, the money has been on weed. For me one is no different then the other when you need the one as much as the other. As long as someone agrees with his way of thinking they are right anyone who doesn't is wrong, dead wrong.
 
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