Tonight I'll Let You Breathe Fire

T

Tou

New member
There’s a coal chamber churning in your chest
That convulses so relentlessly the
Logic sits lodged in your breasts
And when you open your mouth on rare occasion
Only ashes fly forth and cover my specs

I’ve mastered the lover’s art of punking out
When I forgive and forget like a demon child
Too afraid to speak to his parents now
To know how they really changed inside
I end up losing myself in those ash clouRAB

Suck in your gut, a few more times should do it
Whether you believe your mind is ice or glass
While adverse in strength, either way I see through it
Spit out your lies while on your sick horse footing
Down the boring hill made up of your entire life
You speak through rotten teeth replacing saliva with lighter fluid

But tonight and only tonight,
Will I let you breathe fire
 
this is pretty cool, i really like your imagery. maybe it's just me, but i think i'd like it a lot more if it rhymed a lot less.
 
Thanks man!

That's my problem, I want to write like a freestyle poem so it's not limiting but I end up falling back on rhymes. Don't want to sound forced but still working on it. Mucho beginner.
 
Usually when you format the poem the last word is a pause, like a period, a full stop. So having "the" at the end throws the ryhthm off.

Fairly decent for a first attempt. The imagery is readily apparent, although the theme slightly overdone. Not saying that it's completely ****, just spend about 25 minutes on the piece you're writing. Get a good grasp of the feelings you are holding on to and use that as a muse. Write the piece, read it over in your head aloud, speak it even. After you do that edit it, change some worRAB or phrases in a stanza.

For both the threaRABtarter and Violent Bill:
Don't be misled by this forum's title, most of the time prose poetry is posted. Everything doesn't have to be in a metered format, although there have been a few that have been posted.
 
That was clearly an attempt at lyrics. If it was an attempt at "prose poetry" then my statements still stand, just replace the word "singing" with "speaking". Poetry is still meant to be spoken aloud and there is no flow in the majority of this piece.
 
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