To ALL Asshole Shoppers

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Xshadow

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From a blog, "To ALL asshole shoppers":

**********Edit (1/17/07)***
*If you have something in your mouth and you try to talk to me, I will pray to GOD ("who" I DON'T believe in) that one day you will choke on that food, in front of me, and I will just watch as you slowly die from assholiation.
*Whoever the hell is on the other end of that cell phone you're talking on while you're trying to make ME feel like an idiot, tell them I said "Die".
*Tell your little kids to shut the fuck up before I smack them like you should be doing. If your baby keeps crying, I'm going to throw it THROUGH the window. Don't worry, babies bounce. Trust me.
*Snow is not going to trap you in your house for more than 3 days, at the most. It's not the nuclear holocause, it's somewhere between water and ice. It MELTS. It can be SHOVELED. And it most likely is not going to snow enough to declare a national emergency.
*Customer service is customer service. It's not another register, and 5 registers are open out there in the first place. If you can't understand this then please go back to school and at least complete the 5th grade.
*Lottery, Western Union, anything else for that matter: have all your shit ready. It's really annoying when I'm ready to get you out of my store and you think you can take your precious time.
*"Anything else?", "Is that all?". If you answer yes to these questions, don't give me something else to do after you're supposedly finished with your transaction.
*HAND the bonus card to ME. I know it's SOOOOOOOOOO fun to scan it yourself, but that's MY job, and YOU wouldn't be able to do what I do the way I do it. That's 'cus I am THE MAN!***End Edit**********

*Make sure you have your bonus card, a form of payment, and ID, if needed, ready for checkout. If you're writing a check, write out as much as you can before you checkout.
*Foodstamps: get a fucking job.
*The only registers that are open are the ones with their lights ON. Don't ask unopened registers if they are open you fucking retard.
*Learn how to read. 10 items or less means NO MORE THAN 10 FUCKING ITEMS. DON'T ask if it's ok to check out with 11 items. Wait in your applicable line like everyone else.
*When you get in line to check out, STAY in line. Your shopping privileges have ended. This includes anyone that came into the store with you.
*It's not funny when you tell the cashier that they looked "lonely", "bored", or "they need to get to work" when you come into the line. I'm also tired of people telling me how miserable I look or how quiet I am. Thank you Captain Obviously a SHITHEAD.
*Don't just stand there and watch the cashier bag if there are no baggers. If people are with you, including kids, MAKE THEM FUCKING BAG. If not, BAG THE SHIT YOURSELF.
*If you hand the cashier crinkled up money or make the cashier take change out of your hand, you will go to hell when you die. I guarantee it.
*Don't call any employees "buddy" or "hunny", you are a fucking asshole.
*I will personally kill you if you sexually harass any female employees in any way.
*Keep in mind that while you are ending your shitty day by going shopping, the employees of a grocery store are GOING THROUGH their shitty day. Don't take out your aggression on the employees. Instead, go kill yourself. It's a much better stress reliever.
*LEARN HOW TO FUCKING SPEAK ENGLISH YOU FOREIGN MOTHERFUCKERS.
*Please please please walk your cart to the freaking corral. If not, shove it up your ass. 10 more feet of walking will not injure you or waste your time. DON'T just leave your carts wherever you want. OLD PEOPLE: stop making excuses. If you can walk through the whole store buying shit, you can walk to the cart corral after you're done. If not, shove the cart up your ass. The next time you shop, you will have easy access to your shit cart.
*Just a question: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU PEOPLE SHOP SO MUCH? Do you just go home and throw all your food away so you can come back the next day? I'm almost positive that nobody who shops in these stores has a family of 27 to feed.

***NONE OF YOU ASSHOLE SHOPPERS ARE ANY BETTER THAN THE PEOPLE WHO WORK IN GROCERY STORES.*** You're just too stupid to realize that. When I become famous I will personally see to it that you are all exploited, and then you will finally realize how stupid you are.
That's probably not everything, so if anyone has anything to add, feel free.

Funny thing is there's still more I want to put in here.
 
OMFG don't you realize this is all one giant fucking joke? You don't have to laugh, but you don't have to be a complete fucking...

Fuck it, I'm starting to care too much.

Viva la Mexico.
 
Yeah, I was going to agree with most of these, until I saw that one. I went through a few YEARS seeing my mom hold two jobs, while not having a car and struggling to pay rent, and BEING ON FOODSTAMPS.
 
After working for Brookshire's for a year and a-half I can really find humor in this. He's got some good points. All of it is funny, but I guess you would have to work as a cashier/bagger/office worker in a grocery store to find humor in most of that.
 
Just to make it clear, I don't know how things are done in other states... here in PA, you can only get food stamps if you don't have a job. There are way too many people that take advantage of that by lying to the state about their income, among other things.
 
The problem with food stamps only going to people without jobs is it discourages recipients from getting jobs. Welfare needs to be a hand up, helping people get up on their own 2 feet, not a handout which perpetuates itself. In some states where there is protection of workers, it is much more profitable to collect welfare than work. The systemic problem of verifying need should be addressed by improving oversight instead of modifying the qualification standards.
 
Regarding food stamps: Do you get food stamps if you don't have a job? What are the conditions? I looked it up on Wiki and they said that food stamps are given to low income, and not zero income people. I mean -- obviously there are some conditions for getting it. I couldn't sit back, do nothing and simply get food to eat right?
 
I was on food stamps for about a year after my divorce while I was attempting to finish up my put-off degree. I hated using them but I did it as a means to pay my way back to my parents who took me and my daughter back in. They paid for everything else so I purchased what groceries I could which basically was only enough for two people and gave them my welfare check as well which was about $150/month.

That was a huge low in my life and I hated being on any form of "assistance" but it helped get me through that time. Once I graduated and got a job, the assistance ended and honestly, I haven't looked back.

That aside, I thought the rant was funny. I once worked retail and many of those made me smile. :)

Edit: I was in school and working toward a degree so I qualified for the assistance. I think you have to enroll in their job-training or atleast be actively looking for work or disabled, or in school to receive the aid, that's food stamps and welfare.
 
Me and my wife are on food stamps because I work 45 hours a week for less than $300.00. Food stamps don't motivate me 'not to work' they motivate me to work harder and be able to afford my own food.

The way I see it, since the foodstamps are in my wifes' name, I work everyday to have FIC, Medicaid, and SSI taken out of my check. Why not have her use the foodstamps and get back some of that money the government took out of my check.
 
We have free cookies set out on the counter where I work, and atleast once a day someone shoves one in their mouth and begins to chew it with their mouth open while they talk and/or I'm waiting on them. :mad:
 
I agree, that seal is pretty fucking awesome. I want one on one of my threads. Maxxypoo?

As per foodstamps, I worked in a supermarket for 5 years, and had to deal with all kinds of characters. I found that the majority of people that came in with EBT cards were legitimate, however there were a few bad seeds that seemed to abuse the system.

For instance, you cannot buy any alcohol on an EBT card, so this one guy would buy a bunch of food, and then return it. We are supposed to credit his foodstamps account, but sometimes novice cashiers just give him cash. Which he immediately buys Natty Ice with.

It invariably happened once a week.
 
The main thing that's pissing me off right now is that people just won't stop shopping. I work in customer service and I can't help but show how pissed off I am to everyone.

You're not going to win the fucking lottery, no matter how many tickets you buy. What a great scam, though.
 
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