Time to be honest.

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FullCircle08

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Well --this was very hard to write. I was doing so well for so long. I made it 8 months and then I slowly slipped back into hell. Here I am again, abusing pills. I have built up a tolerance again and I am dreading the withdrawals that will soon be in front of me. I once again told my wife the truth and it feels different this time with her. You can tell that she is sick of the same old story and doesnt want to deal with it any more. I guess we just got used to the fact that I was clean and I (we) let our guard down. I have been on and off this board for something like 6 years. I am not proud of that. I wish I had been helping people for all those years and not getting help. Anyway, I will write more later, but at this point I am just trying to figure out a taper plan. I will not go CT this time. I could not handle it. I have done everything over the years from CT to long taper, short taper. You name it I have done it. I hope there are a good bunch of people on here right now that can help each other, because I need help right now. One problem I have is that the only thing I have left are those DANGEROUS GREEN MONSTERS. 80mg are very hard to taper with because they are so strong. Any suggestions would be great.

Love to all

D
 
Hi Buddy

Yep, I am still around and here for you the same as I want you always to be for me. I am sad, of course, for the slide, but not angry or anything... just sad. We need to figure out where in the aftercare your plan peters out on you. It does seem that as much as you hate the withdrawals, you are able to plod through them, so it is in the aftercare that your particular plan does not have a fail-safe for you.

There must come a time in your thinking that it seems 'okay' to take just a few more pills again.... to help you over a hump or a slump, maybe? And it seems that when that time comes, you misplace the many tools you have in your brain now and let the creeping thoughts grow until they start to outweigh the tools. Full Circle, we still have to work on that thinking! My dad told me about alcoholics ( he was a 45 year recovering alcoholic with so many, many years in AA) who only drink once or twice a year. He explained they were still active, and not recovering, alcoholics because they spent all the time inbetween sober, but thinking of the day when they were going to get a drunk on again. What control they had only came from the covert plan deep in their minRAB about the day they would drink again. The difference between an active and a recovering alcoholic is that the recovering alcoholic knows that the time to seek help is when the thoughts begin and the active alcoholic waits until the deed has been done and then tries to deal with it.

Full Circle, there are days when I am in so much pain and I think in my head, "Oh, man, what wouldn't I do to take a few pills for a time of relief here?" And you know what answer comes immediately too my mind always now? " I wouldn't do it in front of my husband, family or frienRAB, so it is not something to do." If I have to hide it, then I can know for sure that it is not something I should be doing. Anything that can not shine in the light of day is something that we don't want or need.

I am glad you have shared with your wife. However, I can understand if she is a lot less than happy. The day to seek her support was that first day that you were deciding to take the pills again. I know that you know all this. And we can not change what already is, only what is to be. So, get back on the horse again and keep that mind open big time to learn of a few more tools for yourself that will help ensure that this last time truly is the last time. SPend some time in reflection and determine what made you cross that line, what made you test the waters.... what made you care not enough about yourself to defy the drug.

I will be here and I hope that you continue to share. All is not lost for sure and we want to keep it that way.

With love and hope always
reach
 
D. welcome back to the winners circle. Have you talked to your doctor? Hopefully u both can work out a plan. I have a wonderful addiction medicine doctor who has helped me tremedously. My doctor and NA/AA have helped me a great deal. With going to meetings and being sober I now have the afflicition of telling the truth. It feels wonderful, I cannot tell a lie to save my life. This is a good thing, being truthful I don't feel comfortable lying anymore it is such a good feeling not having to lie to people and most importantly to myself. It's a freedom I cannot express along with the freedom of being sober. Reach is still here spilling her wonderful wisdom (thank God for her) and I still lurk and post. Were here for you take care and remeraber 1 day at a time. Best of Luck.

Love ya,
Lori
 
Hello Fullcircle,

It's been awhile since we've chatted. I'm sorry to hear about your relapse, however you said yourself, you're an expert. I think you should trust yourself when you decide on what kind of taper you'll begin (fast or slow). You know your body and what you're capable of :)

We're always harder on ourselves (us addicts) when we relapse, but I think it's for the best. We remind ourselves what we've gone through and in your case, what you're "about" to go through.

I agree with your comment "those green monsters" - that's what I referred to them as, when I was in Rehab last summer.

I wish you much luck and I hope it isn't too rough for you. Keep a jourmal of how you're feeling each day, as you taper, so you can look back on it whenever the urge to use comes around. I kept a journal and it helps tremendously!

Good luck :)

Love emsmom
 
Hi medguy. Sorry to hear about your relapse. My counselor put relapse into an interesting perspecitive. He says, "relapse is a symptom of the disease of addiction. It is not a part of recovery, as so many believe. Once we have that clear in our mind, we are ready to move out of the disease and into recovery." That helped me to understand my addiction and relapses quite a bit better.

You were going to NA. Did you let your attendance slip away? Did you stay in contact with your sponsor? When we noticed that it's been a week since we saw david at a meeting, we thought that he most likely relapsed. He is our GSR. I haven't had a chance to talk to the man yet. I might not ask him, out of respect. If he quits being our GSR, then the probability is high that he used. Every person I have known in service give up their service positions for NA if they relapse.

Well, you have kicked this disease in the you know what a few times, so you know how to get clean. Now staying clean, that is a different story. Step work will keep you clean if you work it.. Were you working the steps with your sponsor? Can you pinpoint where in the stepwork the disease was strong and you were weak? That seems like the place the disease will get to us every single time, doesn't it.

My last relapse landed me in Jail with three convictions, one felony for posession and 2 midemeanors, of the misdimeanors, one for concealed weapon and one for DUI. The wife bailed me out. She sat me down in the waiting room and set up her boundaries. The really big one was that if she ever caught me using a substance that was not prescribed for me within the last 90 days, she would pack up and leave. I wouldn't blame her if she made ME pack up and go. Anyhow, that last relapse may very well be my bottom. When I got the police report, it was erabarrassing to read all of the wierd crap that I did. My car was crashed, I dropped about $35000 in 8 months on oxy, heroin, zanax, valium, methamphetamine... The jail time was pretty bad, and I don't ever have to ge back as long as I don't pick up and drive.

When I got out of jail, I immediately started an outpatient program at ontrack in Medford, OR. I took two cousellors to figure out what's wrong with me. Howerver, my story is not a lot different than any others. The biggest difference was physical abuse. Our family was not that dysfunctional. Others are also fighting battles with AIRAB, blood diseases, liver failure, kidney failure....brave bunch they are.

So, lets work on getting clean together. I have 62 days today. The only difference this time around is I'm working the program. I should have that first step painted, polished, sanded (first), rewritten, and burned into my heart this time around.

I'm also on suboxone. My counsellor, my docotor, my mother, my sister, and my wife wanted me on the stuff. They were sick and tired of being sick and tired of the sick and tiring relapses. I thought a lynch mob was going to take me to the doctor. I'm glad that I did it. I had been clean for three weeks, but the doctor still wanted me on the med, especially after falling into relapse soo many time. He said I need to have all of my support systems in place before he can take me off of the drug. I'm not taking suboxone because it gets me high--it doesn't. I take it because I cannot fail this time. Relapse no. 15465123023165 was the last one, ha-ha.

Well, I have to scoot. I have an NA meeting tonight. It's called "Circle of Trust." Isn't that cool. I am the treasurer, and it's easy.


Good luck friend and stay strong. God bless. Puy some extro work into that higher power. A lot of recovering addicts sturable over that one.

mk
 
logalind is right. You need to consult your doctor and bring him/her into the loop, even if you were taking the drug illegally. I'm sort of paying the price this morning of not listening to my doctor who had planned out a 2 week tapering plan and I drastically shortened it to a few days. I was up all night long and I'm shaking like a dog coming out of the lake. I decided maybe he knows a bit more than I do and bumped my dose back up. I'm waiting for the shaking to stop so I can go to bed and get a few hours sleep today.

So talk to your doctor for the best info and plan.
 
Hi Buddy

I have been thinking about you this morning and trying to find some kind of inspirational worRAB that would help you. Couldn't find any. Instead, a practical idea has come to mind that I want to share with you. It has to do with changing thinking.

I worked for years with immigrant students, teaching them English and American culture. Most arrived with no English language skills at all. These kiRAB often struggled and had such frustration as they tried to stuff that English into their brains and use it flowingly. It is by no means an overnight process. While they could make themselves understood in perhaps a year or so, total assimilation into a new language takes 5-7 years. It comes with continuous practice and continuous correction of mistakes. But it does come eventually. Slowly, they begin to stop thinking in their native tongue and always translating the worRAB into English and develop an ability to think directly in English.

The change from addictive thinking to non-addictive thinking is similar. It chnages slowly and we must practice and be corrected continuously until it becomes our automatic thinking process. It takes a lot of time.

I have written about this before and always cringe when I do in fear that it might cause someone to lose hope. The truth is that restoring the brain, the body, the thinking takes about a year or so. Oh, not a year in withdrawal. No. A year of constant reflecting, practicing with our tools and correcting ourselves when we realize thinking is going astray. It is a time of filling the brain with new ideas ( or restoring healthy old ones) and coping mechanisms and firm commitment to not wanting or needing opaites, alcohol. whatever.

Remeraber the time of our cancers...our days were filled constantly with thoughts of it. Even when treatment ended, it took us time for our thinking to change not think of it so often. It took time to become our more normal selves again. Time for the thinking to evolve and steadily become more hopeful again, more on track with life. Time to correct the fearful thinking, fill our brains again with thoughts of life.

With addiction, it takes time also to evolve in our thinking. Each temptation that arises is an opportunity to use our skills to face down the temptation. With time, it becomes easier and easier and at some point becomes a no-brainer thought. However, to get to this point, we must always challenge ourselves in out thinking. Thoughts may come from addictive thinking, but that is the time we must force our decision making into non-addictive processes. With time and practice, our thoughts will assimilate into non-addictive thought patterns.

Okay, enough analogy for today. Smiles. I am thinking of you and hoping for the best for you. I will pray for the strength for you to face those addictive thoughts head-on and stare them down. I will pray for you to have the ability to recognize them and where they come from. I will pray for peace to settle in you and allow you to defeat this demon once and for all.

Hugs
reach
 
Just wanted to thank all of you for the responses. I need a few hours to read them again. Great info from some great people. Thanks. I will write more later. I have to work tonight

D
 
Monday Monday. Still trying to figure out the taper plan. Am I or am I just putting off the inevitable. Either way, it will come. I have a trip coming up in less that 2 weeks that I have to feel OK for. No withdrawals. I have been waiting to long (clean time also) for this trip. Some part of me wants to cancel it and make it my punishement for what I have done, but I wont. New start once again, when I get back. Just the thought of the whole process makes me sick.
 
hey guys --thanks for kind worRAB and advice. I have been through this WAY to many times to consult my DR. I have a fresh new start with a new DR on FEB 23rd and I hope to be clean by then. I have got off this drug (unfortunately) 6-7 times and I am (once again -unfortunatley) an expert on this damn taper/CT thing. I really thought I had it licked this time. I had more months clean than I ever had. If you have time, take a peek back at my rollercoaster of a life that I have posted on here. Is REACH still around? Thanks again for the kind worRAB and lets do this together.

D
 
Good mornign all --I am just trying to get back into the swing of writing a bunch. I have been out of the loop for quite a long time. Reach here are a few things I was thinking about. One problem I had was that while I was CLEAN of opiates for 8 months, I was not clean of alcohol. I have discussed that on here before and even in NA, but now I see that may have been a huge part of my downfall, slowly. I had read it and heard it but didnt believe it. Each week at NA I would listen to them talk about how "we do not differentiate between the 2, alcohol is a drug" and I would just say "no it isnt , i have it under control. Well, look where I am now. The key fact was that I stopped going to NA. I got bored. It was because i didnt get involved. I became part of my local group, but I didnt volunteer for anything and I DINT GET A SPONSOR. I guess I was setting myself up.

One major difference this time is that I am not 100% into getting better right now. I am still using and really havenet come up with a taper plan. I know that the day is coming and I have to get my stuff in order ($$$ is cut off) , but at this point nothing is set. Anyone on here that knows me, knows that I will STICK TO A PLAN. I need to work on that. It was so much easier when you had 10 mg pills to taper with. These STUPID green monsters are SOOOOO hard to divide up without cheating. Well, I am going to do some reading on here. I have a lot to catch up on. Have a great day.

D
 
Fullcircle, I'm so sorry to hear you've relapsed.

Good luck -- the support on this board is a wonderful advantage, as you know.
 
as long as you know what your are in for, you will do it when your mind is ready. it's almost two weeks for me, still not feeling great, but not going thru h*ll anymore. just want to feel normal and get some energy back. you are making the right decision, hang in there! amed
 
I understand what you mean about wanting to feel OK for your trip. Two weeks doesn't sound like enough time, but I guess you know how long it normally takes you. We had a sudden death in the family and this week will be very stressful....that's what happened last time I tried to taper....I decided I couldn't be tapering off and having such bad pain during such a stressful time. OK, that was last April. Now that I'm trying again, we have another death in the family. I swear this time I am not letting it deter me. I feel the same determination I did when I quit smoking cold-turkey 20 years ago.
 
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