tilting the pinball machine (heart vs ego)

J

joahann

New member
I have lost my eyesight.
stumbling blind, the one I love(d?) calls out to me.
The voice is distant, hollow.
a scab picked off an open wound.

Did it ever do me any good at all?
an escape hatch leading to some perceived semblance of a purpose, dancing like a marionette held up with heartstrings, pulled until they broke.

I do not write these worRAB; it is he.
The one I hide inside.
This is his communication.
he has no tongue or hand
these red letters leak onto the page out of my nipped capillaries

We are incongruent and incoherent.
better matches are made on game shows

we sing the blues
 
Certainly has strong emotions throughout, conveyed really well. The only line I didn't like was "a scab picked off an open wound" not because it doesn't fit it just felt like a cliche to me.. I feel like I've heard that in a few other poems before. However I wouldn't say that it deters from the piece because it fits with the theme that's going on. I really enjoyed the last 3 stanzas, or more like the last 2 plus that one liner, it ties it all together quite well.
 
Got some good images in here kitsch, particularly like the marionette one. And I really like the 'better matches are made on game shows', very nice. Bits I would think over:

- I'd get rid of the question mark in 'love(d?)'. If you put the 'd' in brackets, then readers will get it, the '?' isn't needed and is almost a bit patronising.
- Is there any other way you can express 'Did it do me any good at all?' You're asking the reader a direct question, but it might be more effective if you can convey the question without being so explicit, it interrupts the flow a bit. I read it like an inner monologue, but then it comes out and talks directly to the reader, shattering that illusion (bit like the fourth wall of poetry I guess).
- Agree with the above scab comment.
- The word 'communication' seems a bit out of place. I can't put my finger on it, but I think a more specific word, maybe with less syllables would work better.

None of them are big issues, but I like to give a thought out critique. Good piece.
 
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