this is my first attempt at poetry, i am going through the toughest time of my life....

D

Dave

New member
...i hope this conveys my? emotions. i now it wont be to the standard of everyone else here


Awoken
I am awoken
The maelstrom of my mind swirls in unseen directions
I feel
tears drying on my face
I feel
My chained heart beats with emotion
I feel
Life flowed past me the tide leaving me behind
I could not move
I am awoken
But it is to late
 
I think it is not bad at all for a first attempt and the emotion of it does come across. However on the technical side....I don't think the word Awoken exists, maybe just "woken" and then "I have woken". line 9 changes tense and would probably be better as "life flows past me" rather that "life flowed past me". Maybe some punctuation here and there might help, but all in all I like it. The way you have put the words "I feel" on a line on there own is quite inspired, as it gives the impression that you are actually struggling to write your thoughts down. very well done, write more.
 
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