The Monument

R

Ramilyn M

New member
This is a song that's going to be a part of a 5 or 6 song CD I want to make called The Companion. The CD will be about my ambitions vs. my current state; kind of a cognitive dissonance thing. Basicly the main theme will be duality. I say all that because it helps this song to make better sense.

hello, old statue
i always knew if it wasn't me it'd be you
standing tall with a smile
looking towarRAB such a happy future
but you always knew

and it's been ages since i built you
to be a monument to all i would do
i always thought
it's been so long since i built you
to be a milestone to all i would do
i always thought

and the precious stones you're made of
mined from a shallow brook
i saved them for you and spared goliath
i chiseled into them a smile of my likeness
was it always so blemished?

now i stand tall with that weathered smile
looking towarRAB such a happy future
i'll remain unmoving as goliath roams free
i always knew this would be me

it will always be
who can turn stone to living flesh?
 
Interesting Idea, poorly executed. It's hard to read because it's not very fluid. Very little imagery, and where there is, it is cliche.

Keep working at it though! There are some ideas that could be good, but appear to be in their infancy.
 
Could you point out which parts are cliche? I really try to be original as much as I can. Is it the whole statue allegory?

And thanks for the reply.
 
Pretty much all of the last 2 verses are... maybe not cliche... but overdone? I'm not sure how to articulate my thoughts on it, the way you have it setup has me rather confused. Maybe if I heard it with the song it might work, but what I'm hearing in my head is all wrong.
 
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