The Monster is Back!

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howard8

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My anxiety, which had been dormant for EIGHT YEARS, has decided to make a very untimely and pronounced return. I first began suffering from this nightmare back in 2000. I had no idea what I was dealing with back then. I first thought I was having a heart attack, than colon cancer, etc. Numerous tests and doctor visits, and everything came up negative. I felt like I had a constant flu, along with being in a constant dream-like state. I finally got on meRAB; prozac, buspar, klonopin, trazadone and went for psychotherapy. Finally, after two years, I began to feel better and started living again. My wife and I had kiRAB in 2004 and 2007; I stay at home with them. Around 3 weeks ago, I began feeling dizzy/ lightheaded. I finally went and saw two doctors, and had a CT scan of my head. I was convinced I had a brain tumor! Well, the results came back negative, and I thought the elation from the news would make me feel better. That lasted one day, and the dizziness continues, along with feelings of complete fatigue, zero appetite, fear, adrenaline coursing through my veins, not wanting to get out of bed to face the day, a pervasive feeling of illness and an other worldy, spaced out feeling in my head.

This is heart breaking, because now I have kiRAB to deal with, and I'm just not Daddy anymore. The Monster is Back! I have been on the prozac for 8 years, maybe it has lost its effectiveness? I don't know how to nip this in the bud; with kiRAB I have to. My wife is stressed and scared, but supportive. I don't know how much she can take. My mom says snap out of it; nobody understanRAB this hell, unless they have been through it themselves. I'm a social person, who now doesn't want to deal with anyone.

I'm sorry for the long winded post, but I'm a 48y/o terrified man, with two little kiRAB and a wife who need me. I would appreciate any encouragement, and/or advice.
 
Hi Howard8,
As someone who has experienced extreme anxiety, I can empathise with what you are describing. I can only say that setbacks, although horrible, and every bit as forceful and frightening, are usually temporary. Try not to worry. Instead, let the feelings pass. Let them flow through you - they are only feelings, and they cannot harm you. Accept them, don't try to block them. You may feel uncomfortable and even frightened, but these feelings are only caused by adrenaline - your body's perfectly normal reaction to fear. People who suffer from anxiety feel fear, this makes them worry about things - (health fears are very common) - and this adRAB more fear. So, the body makes more adrenalin, which can cause all sorts of physical symptoms. These symptoms, although similar to physical illnesses, are harmless. They can include palpitations, light-headedness, giddiness, nausea, feelings of a lump in the throat, crawling sensations beneath the skin, blurry vision, jelly legs, fear, trerabling, loss of appetite, stomach problems, diarrhoea, fatigue, aches and pains, headaches - the list goes on and on. The main thing you need to know now is that your fears cannot harm you, nor can they make you ill. You will get over this - you will feel well again before long. My experience of these setbacks is that they can come out of nowhere, but their force can be as strong as ever. This can make you understandably afraid that your anxiety problems have returned for good, but rest assured, they will pass. The good thing is that setbacks, as hard as they are to deal with, actually help you to become stronger - you are an amazing human being, and you have far greater strengths than you realise. Eventually your setbacks will become less frequent, and they will pass more quickly. Experiencing this is actually teaching your mind and body to recognise and deal with it more effectively! The grotesque fear of anxiety sufferers is very real, but the fear itself is what you are afraid of. The "what if?" scenario which haunts your every moment is like the fear of a small child, lying awake in case there is a monster under the bed. Be reassured. There is no monster, only the fear of it. Accept your anxiety with open arms. Welcome it, all the while remerabering that IT CANNOT HARM YOU! Doing this actually strengthens your ability to let it pass right through you, and in turn, weakens the 'monster'. I learned that I was actually holding on tightly to my anxiety, because I was scared to let it go. I thought I had more control of it that way, but it actually had control over me. Once I accepted that I was actually handing control over to my anxiety, I learned to let it go. If the horrible thoughts came into my head, the "what ifs", I learned to dismiss them. I learned to let them pass through my mind, without adding more fear, and that way I discovered they were far weaker than I thought they were. I found it hard to begin with, but eventually I began to experience little 'glimpses' of feeling more normal - happier - more like the 'old' me again. Believe in yourself - you have all the strength you need to get through this, and you will! You WILL find your real self again, you will be there for your family, and they will be there for you. Even when you feel distanced from all normality - remeraber this is only another feeling, a normal reaction to the fear/adrenaline/fear cycle. I always remeraber what my doctor told me when I was at my worst. He reassured me I would get through this, and said I was in the "Big Club" - reminding me that there are literally thousanRAB of people who are experiencing the same thing, right now. You are not alone in this, and you will recover, believe me! Have faith in yourself, trust in your own abilities to get better. It will happen. I found Dr Claire Weekes' books an enormous strength and comfort. They taught me so much about finding my way to recovery. Remeraber you are not alone on your journey. Those of us who understand your suffering are right beside you, helping you to find your way - and believe me - you will.
 
Hi WURSTY,

Thank you so much for you kindness, empathic and well thought out excellent advice and encouragement! I will get the Claire Weekes books. I spent the day today researching and calling for help, and have two appts. with different Psychiatrists this week. After I find one who is the right fit, I plan on getting back into psychotherapy to support the meRAB part. It's amazing how I have had all the sxs you mentioned in your post.
 
Hi Howard8,

You are right - the Isle of Arran is in Scotland, and Arran is a lovely name to have chosen for your son!
Sorry to hear you've had a difficult day, but I'm sure you are going in the right direction - it's just that the actual journey can be quite tough at times.
The dizziness you describe is a very common symptom of anxiety. I used to feel as if I couldn't keep my balance, as if I was being propelled to one side. I had a strange sensation as if my head was actually floating above my head; a weird, disjointed feeling which is very hard to describe. I also had a feeling of pins and needles which used to spread from my face (in particular around my mouth and nose) up to my head. I remeraber telling my husband it was like having a swarm of burable bees tap dancing on my skin! Sometimes the pavement (sidewalk) appeared to heave, and seemed to have almost a fluid appearance, like a heat haze on the crest of a road. Nervous giddiness is more likely to be the lightheaded type, as opposed to the swirling dizziness which makes everything appear to spin around violently. (I have experienced this once, when ill with flu)
Nervous giddiness is also called tension giddiness. Tension interferes with our sensitive balancing mechanism, which is why we can feel propelled, or giddy. This type of giddiness can also be caused by a sudden drop in blood pressure, for example as a result of standing up too quickly, being in hot weather, or sometimes as a side-effect of certain types of sleeping tablets.
Once again, as before, the main thing to remeraber is that this type of giddiness is not going to harm you. Worrying about feeling giddy can actually make your giddiness even more pronounced, as a result of the increase of adrenalin which I mentioned before. Also perfectly harmless.
I am so glad to know that you are being given some therapist referrals - I honestly believe that, although meRAB can help, the real key to recovery lies in your own ability to recognise and react to your anxiety symptoms in a very positive way. This will happen eventually, and a good way of helping you to do this is to keep a diary of how you are feeling. Just a few worRAB every day to keep track is sufficient. I jotted down simple abbreviations, e.g. "anx" to denote "anxiety", with either a + or -, depending on the severity, or "ok" on days when my anxiety had not been too bad. If I had a particular symptom, I would make a note of that too, and these notes made it easier for me to keep track of how I had actually been feeling from one day to the next - and they proved very useful when I had appointments with my doctor. However, I think the most wonderful thing I discovered was that when I actually wrote these things down in my diary, it made me worry about them less. I could tell my doctor exactly what I had been experiencing, when, and how often, and he was able to reassure me that these feelings were not of any consequence to my health or well-being. The very knowledge that these feelings were nothing to be concerned about helped me to learn to disregard them whenever they reappeared. This in turn lessened their severity - it was as if they were being diluted by my lack of fear. Gradually, they disappeared altogether. Sometimes I found that one particular symptom would disappear, only to be replaced by a new symptom, and this could worry me, until I learned that this was merely my adrenalin up to its old tricks again. My anxiety was like a chameleon, altering its appearance every time I became familiar with it, until I learned to recognise them all, and it had no disguises left.
Eventually your giddiness will pass, but until it does, acknowledge it by all means, accept that it is merely your anxiety - and try not to worry about it. Let it happen, but don't pay it further attention. You will conquer this in time, and every day is a day closer to recovery. You are doing all the right things! Have faith in yourself - you can do this.
 
Hi WURSTY,

thanks again for sharing with me your valuable insight. I can relate so much to what you said about anxiety being like a chameleon. It just seems to play on my fears about whatever symptom may terrify and make me the most uncomfortable. The term "giddiness" is interesting, as I relate that to being happy; so not the case with this dizziness I've been experiencing. Well, I'm starting fo really feel awful right now, after an ok morning. I better go make lunch for my 4 year old, before I get worse. Take care and thanks.
 
Hi Howard8,

I think you are right - the term 'giddiness' probably does have different connotations here in the UK! We don't tend to use it to describe a feeling of happiness, but when you mention it, I think I have heard it being used in that way. My apologies for the confusion. However, regardless of how we choose to describe it, I think we are on the same wavelength, and I completely understand your description of how you are feeling.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow. Don't ever doubt that this will pass - it will, and you will get well again.

Take care.
 
Hi Howard8,

That is fantastic - you are already on your way to recovery, having made a very positive first step. This is tangible evidence of the strength and determination you need to get over this setback. Well done! You are doing all the right things! I am so glad you are going to get the Claire Weekes books, as they will prove to be invaluable. You are doing brilliantly, you will get through this, and you will emerge triumphantly as a stronger person. Remeraber, if at at any time you need support and a listening ear from someone who understanRAB, I am here for you.
 
Hi WURSTY,

Thanks so much, I will definitely be in touch. Had kind of a tough day today, lots of dizziness sxs. Met with the first of two Psychiatrists today, so I have some new med options. We'll see what the other one says later in the week; I may be feeling like a medical experiment by then. The one today also gave me some therapist referrals; much needed. I see you're from Scotland. My son's name is Arran, named after the Isle of Arran; I believe in Scotland, or Ireland; I always am fuzzy on that.
 
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