K
KiRby
Guest
Audrina popped up. Yeah. She's still here. I dunno. Justin Bobby came up. So did something about her apartment, I think. She has brown hair. I think her name is Audrina. Though my sources are a bit sketchy (baby name websites) the heretofore unheard by me name Audrina is apparently just the diminutive form of Audrey. So basically she's a miniature version of a man-eating plant who's friends with Rick Moranis. That's nice.
Um. Oh, yeah. Spencerina. She was dating this guy named Cameron who I think works in the professional idiot business. I think he's a top executive, actually. Corner office. Idiot secretary, idiot copy machine. Just wall to wall idiots. So that's nice for him. It's nice to work with like-minded people. But Spencerina was having problems. You see she can't quite figure out the alchemy that is Getting Airtime. Should she be dating? Not dating? Friendly with Spencer? Not friendly? Lauren's homegirl? A whispery snitch? You want the cold hard truth, Spencerina? Frankly, be prettier. There's no real science here, my love. It's just that simple (and that hard). Also maybe learn how to express a coherent mind grape. Just in general. For general life's sake.
Anyway she ended up trying to cry when she dumbly broke it off with Cameron, Idiot at Law. So that was a scene that happened on this show once. I like to think that the people who cobble this little shitshow together are just like doing each other's hair and smoking cigarettes and drinking sangria at this point and not really paying attention to the fact that the experience of watching the show has become something like walking slowly through a carwash. If they are trying, like really hard, to make f'ing Spencerina interesting, well then shame on them.
Lauren. Wistful Lauren. Her parents are moving from their sprawling, ridiculous mansion perched high above the ocean in ye olde Laguna Beach (remember that show???) And they were pretending that they were doing the packing themselves rather than hiring some browns, so Lauren and Locifer came bopping up and said they were going to pack Lauren's room. They sifted through all of her old things: her chunky first cellphone, her old diaries, a "will" that wasn't so much a willing of possessions as much as it was little apologies to parents and sad wishes to be buried in her homecoming dress. Actually it was kind of funny until you realized that Lauren was like 16 or 17 when she wrote that. Which ain't old, but it ain't that young.
Then the two L's wandered out onto the stunning veranda and the camera went tight on Lauren's sun-kissed face and she mused about the strange, sometimes fleeting nature of Home. Things change, the world moves fast, too fast. Old things crumble, new and unfamiliar things pop up in their place. I half expected old Firs from The Cherry Orchard to shuffle on out and end the episode with us, a quiet huff of breath singing the old world to heaven.
Whitney went whisking off to New York for an exciting interview with Diane von Furstenberg which ha ha ha we all already know that she gets because MTV can't keep its damn yap shut. But it was the first tingling start of something new, the opening to a goodbye, the orchestra tune-up before a big, appley hello. For the record, Whitney believes she knows a lot about the "facets" of the industry and has apparently just learned to speak English, her native tongue being some rare language spoken only in the pink recesses of a Bubble Yum factory. Oh and my favorite part was when she said "I think I'm ready to come... to The City." Like she plugged her show that didn't exist yet on her old show and then my TV melted and I have no more joy in my life because TV is the only thing that loves me. Ah well.
When I was little, I loved, but was very scared by, this Disney movie called The Rescuers. It was about two little mice who run a rescue agency and have to go save a little girl who's being held captive in the bayous by Carol Burnett. There's a creepy part where the little girl is lowered into this dank hole or cave or something and told to find this precious diamond. (It turns out to be inside a skull!) I used to have to tell myself over and over again that it wasn't real, it wasn't real, it wasn't real.
I've started doing that with this. A quiet benediction or prayer or wish running through my head. These people can't actually be this way. They just can't be.
Can they?
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