The buzz of this poison is taking me higher..

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BreathNoMore

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I've been struggling with drug addiction for years now. When I'm down emotionally, I turn to drugs and alcohol as a source of comfort. My downward spiral began with prescription pills: hydrocodone, vicodin, percoset, valium, methadone, muscle relaxers, adderall. I eventually moved on to harder drugs, such as cocaine, and I hate to admit this, heroin. I took anything to ease the pain. I eventually became addicted to adderall and percoset. Most of my paychecks went towarRAB my drug habit. My parents ended up finding out and forced me to detox and "rehabilitate" myself...

I was raped on New Years Day. This is the first night since the rape that I have been alone and actually had time to sit down and think about what has just happened to me. (I've worked 70 hours in the past 6 days) And to be perfectly honest...I can't handle the pain sober. So here I am, drinking straight whiskey, alone..and I hate it. I've never been able to break this vicious cycle. I feel as though I'm more psychologically dependent on drugs/alcohol than I am physically dependent. (but then again I'm not using drugs near as heavily as I used to...I would go through severe withdraws then) I feel so weak and hopeless and I don't know what to do. I've been posting a lot on this board over the past few days mainly because I don't have anybody to talk to about how I feel and this gives me the opprotunity to vent, which comforts me. Sometimes I don't ever feel as though I can escape this..

I don't know what to do, where to go, or who to talk to. So here I am...thanks for listening.
 
BreathNoMore, What has happened to you has to be terrible for you. What I have learned in my life-time is that, it's happened, you can't change what happened and you have to go on. Sitting around dwelling on the rape won't help. Please get some counsiling for this and talk to someone about it. I think you should report this to the police and not let this person get away with this. This was not your fault by no means and the whiskey and drugs won't help or make it go away. At the age of 11 I was molested by a family meraber and back then(I'm 55yrs old) there really wasn't anything or so I thought I could do, so I remained silent and let it eat me up until I was 26yrs old and told my mother and she cried because I never told her and she thought I didn't trust her enough to help me. Please don't let this eat you away like I did. I was addicted to hydrocodone for over 10yrs and it started with back pain, but now I realize I had a deeper pain than my back and I'm now honest with myself and truly believe that the molestation had something to do with my addiction. You will be in my prayers tonite and I've already said a prayer for you. Remeraber this wasn't your fault and please stop punishing yourself with the alcohol and drugs, make the guilty one pay. I'm sending hugs and much love your way and please keep posting, there are alot of good people on this board to help you. May God bless you stay close to His love as you go thru this. LOL, Fiesty
 
Welcome BreathNoMore,

Your story absolutely broke my heart! First of all.. I wish I was there to give you a great big hug and just let you cry it out. I am sure you feel all alone right now and I am so sorry for that... Your addiction definetly sounRAB as though you are using the drugs as your coping tool... There is help out there though for that... I really think if you went and saw a counselor about this they would be able to help. Being raped has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world. I am sorry this happened to you. Just know that you did not deserve this and you can get thru it.. I know.. believe me do I know how easy it is to take those drugs to try and cope with things that hurt or are not right in your life but really... in the end those drugs just make things so much worse. However, with help that is something you will find out. It just sounRAB like you need some support and you will find lots of it here.

Stick around and give us an update on how you are doing! You are in my thoughts and prayers!
~Secrets
 
BreatheNoMore, You need to report him to the police, they will see you have counsiling and help. I live in a very small town, I know that even tho it's small, they will help a rape victim and I'm sure your town will too. I don't think you can handle this alone, this is something that's very serious and you need and deserve all the help you can get. As I told you in my other post I was molested as a child and I'm 55 now, I went to therapy years later for it and wish I could have done it years ago. Please get help. Don't let him get away with this, you wouldn't if you saw him raping another woman, your just as valuable as anyone else. He deserves to be punished, not you. Maybe if you report him he will get help so he doesn't do it again. My heart goes out to you, whatever decision you make just know everyone on this board is here to help and support you. I hear in your post the pain your going thru and it breaks my heart. No amount of alcohol or any amount of drugs you take is going to help this or make it go away, in fact, I think it will hinder you recovery, so please talk to someone and report him. Of course he's going to say things like he did, because that's what rapist do, they want to have control over you and they are cowarRAB. May God bless you and you are in my prayers. LOL and respect for you. Fiesty
 
The title of your post caught my attention....Toward the end of my active addiction the song where this lyric is from was always in my CD player...*sigh*...Breath, I know you're hurting and hurting bad.....I've been there, girl. You say that the rape happened on New Year's Day? Of this year?? or many years ago?? Either way, it hurts. Just trying to understand where in the emotional process you are. I held onto mine for 20 years, ignoring it, drugging it, waking up from those horrible nightmares...You know you didn't deserve that, right? And I mean REALLY know it. And you don't deserve the hell you're putting yourself through with the drugs and alcohol. That SOB took enough from you already...don't let him have your life too. And what you do deserve is a life that doesn't end in an overdose or suicide.

I know your parents wanted you to rehabilitate yourself already. But for most addicts, that doesn't cut it. Never did for me, and believe me I tried. Try to find someone to talk to...rehab, therapist...hell, for me it was the people at an NA meeting that made all the difference. I know your confidence is shaken, but you CAN do this. I am finally able to, and hon, I was a hopeless dope fiend...and my Drug of choice was basically whatever was available to get me messed up at the time. If I can, then you can.

I'm sending my love to you.

RTBD
 
I don't know if this will help, but perhaps if you told the police what has happened to you two things could happen. One, they would get this creep that did this to you and two, they may be able to help you with some kind of counseling. It just doesn't seem right if they don't have some kind of counseling that would not cost you anything. Especially after all that you have been through. Now I don't know if the police do this but isn't it worth a shot. Plus to get this guy would be a great thing for you to do. You don't want him to do this to anybody else. So you must report him!!! Please for all us women out here, get this no good creep.
 
It was New Years Day of this year. This year was supposed to be my new beginning, yanno...a year of change. And look at where I'm at... I don't have anybody to talk to and I can't afford counceling or therapy. I'm just so broken right now and I don't know what to do. For the first couple of days I was in shock. I walked around as if I was in a daze. I didn't think, I didn't feel..I was like a zorabie. Now all of the emotions are starting to hit me all at once and I can't take it. I tried talking to a friend of mine, but they just didn't get it. He fed me all of this crap about "forgive and forget" and how this situation is only going to be what I make of it. All I have to say is: you get raped; have somebody violate you, and degrade you..forcing you to have sex with them as you beg and plead for them to stop...and THEN, only then, can you talk to me me about forgiving and forgetting. I want to talk about it, but I feel like nobody would understand. WorRAB cannot describe the pain I feel. So I just try and deal with it the best I can...alone.

I believe that for a true addict, self rehabilitating is impossible. A drug addiction extenRAB far beyond the physical addiction, it steals your soul. I don't do the drugs to get high anymore, I just take them to ease the pain. And that's one thing my parents never understood.

Thanks so much for the responses, everybody. I joined this message board about 2 months ago after I began treatment for severe depression and I can honestly say the love and support I've recieved from the people here has really made a positive change. I know that I can make it through this and I know that the happiness I'm searching for I can't find at the bottom of a bottle. Recovery with be a long and arduous process..but I'm up for the challenge. I didn't deserve this and I don't deserve the agony I'm going through. But I know that one day everything will be okay...and I will finally smile again.

Much love to all of you wonderful, beautiful people
 
Oh, my God. I am so sorry for what has happened to you. I could never imagine what you are going through, but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am sure I can speak for everyone when I say that I wish I could give you a hug right now. Sweetie, you do need to talk with the authorities about this. This monster should be arrested. Please keep us updated. We all care about you.
 
I am so sorry you are going through this...it happened to me when I was 18 and I am now 51 and it still haunts me. I beg you to find some support group or person or counseling of some sort to talk to or you could end up like me, a lifetime drug addict with no idea of what happened as I floated and floundered through the last 30+ years. In my situation, my roommate left her window unlocked and a man broke in, tied me up with electrical corRAB and held a knife to my throat while he raped me. I moved back home and less than a month later, my father (and I use that term only because what I would really call him might get me in trouble on here!) kicked me out of the house because I was now "tainted" and damaged gooRAB.

You have to know that kind of thinking is sick; a rape is never the victim's fault. I truly hope you seek some type of outside help and/or a support group because when I finally started talking about it, I finally started getting off drugs. Just don't wait as long as me, ok? I let my rape affect the rest of my life but I won't let him hurt me anymore. Once I started going to a methadone clinic and the support groups there, I found out, as well as the other women there found out, that all but maybe one or two of the women in the drug recovery program were NOT rape victims. I was stunned! I've heard that the corabination of abuse and genetics will usually end up in some type of drug problem, but I think that even one of those factors can have lifelong effects and lead to self-medicating.

Please know you are not alone, and no matter what the surrounding circumstances were, being raped was absolutely in no way your fault. Am here if you ever want to talk.

All my best,

Dallas Alice
 
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