Temptation and the Addict....

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Secrets1983

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Thank you!!! I am trying to make good choices but it has not been easy... I tell you.. This has been a TOUGH day.. I mean.. What are the odRAB of this happening to me today? Just figures.. Well, I did make it. I am leaving here in 30 minutes and I KNOW I will make it till then. I KNOW I can.. What I know for sure though is that without the support of all of you here.. This would be a lot harder.
Thank you all.. I don't say this lightly but as I type this at my desk.. tears are forming and are now starting to pour down my face.. I never thought this would be so hard, so charecter building and so all consuming.. I can't change the choices I made before the choices that got me into this but... I CAN and WILL change the choices I make today and everyday forward.
YOU ARE ALL SO DEAR TO MY HEART. THANK YOU.
~Secrets
 
Hey if I can do it you ANYONE can do it! They just to want it more than anything in the world!! Put everything else on hold! Well you cant put everything on hold, but you guys know what I mean.. You just gotta worry abour yourself and getting better! And want it more than anything! I'm seriously surprized I haven't gone in there at least once and got one.. But I'm really proud of myself! It brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. Happy ones though.. I just know that I want to be my old self again more than ANYTHING right now and i'll do WHATEVER it takes! I'm still young.. I don't want to be one of those people who are on these things for the majority of there lifes.. No dis-resepct to anyone who as.. But I didn't take them cause I had a pain.. I took them cause I liked the way they made me feel. And after awhile that just goes away and everyday you feel empty and lonely just chasing that next high.. I hate those feelings.. Those feelings just aren't me. I've always been a happy act goofy to make ppl laugh kinda guy.. I want to be that guy again.. Not the one who hangs my head low cause I feel like shit most of the times.. Sorry to rarable.. But it helps. You guys know how it is. But I'll leave with this. Just want to be sober more than anything and don't let ANYTHING get in the way. Its all mind over madder. You've just got to want it that bad! So good luck to us all! I say a prayer everynight for everyone of us.
 
Ok... so I am trying to calm myself but I am freaking out inside.. My co worker just came back from her lunch break and informed me that she stopped at the pharmacy on her way back to work and picked up her Vicodin... I almost puked... Now.. It's sitting on her desk no more than 15 feet away from me... My heart is beating fast.. Why oh why is this happening.. I know i am being tested... I feel so utterly weak right now.. I could easily ask her for 2.... I am not a thief.... but I didn't realize the addiction would still be so strong at this point.... The thought honestly crossed my mind that if I took 2 would she even notice?? This is SICK and this does not seem like 1 ounce of me right now.

Any worRAB would be appreciated. My head is spinning.. Does that sound stupid? Be honest.. Am I being rediculous? I just don't know... Not what I needed today.

~Secrets
 
Blue,
Take that feeling that you have right now and don't ever let it go. You sound like your doing great and you are going to make it. I hope soon to be where you are. I'm also kind of young still 26, and it's people like you that give the rest of us hope, so thank you for that!
 
Secrets I can tell you first hand how hard that is. I live with my 84yr old grandpa. he's got scripts for all the "good" stuff. And he doesnt know about my addiction. I've just been telling him i've been real sick. So EVERYDAY he's asked me if I wanted a pill. It's so hard everytime he asks me but I've been strong so far. It really shows you how much willpower you have when there's so many of those damn things just sitting in the other room. But no matter how bad I crave them I know that I can't do it. I know what they've done to me up to this point and we just gotta remeraber how much happier we were before those damn things got ahold of us. I can't wait till I feel like that again!! Today is day 9 for me and I still feel pretty crappy and it's been REALLY hard not to just walk into the other room knowing how much better they'd make me feel right now! But I know how much better I'll feel when these damn things are out of my body! Sorry for the rarabling, it's been one of the tougher days. So just stay strong! You can do it!!!
 
behindblueyez,
HOLY COW.. That is some STRENGTH AND WILL POWER you have.. Seriously.. If I had someone OFFER me a pill right now I would probably throw up in my own mouth, start shaking and not know what to do... SO YOU ARE INCREDIBLE. I really don't know if I would have the strength to say NO... I would like to think I do..

Everything you said is true though about remerabering before how it was in our lives... I am sorry you are still suffering! That is terrible.. Hang in there.. It's almost over! The w/d were the worst.... I hated every moment of that. UGH. I am so glad that part is over with and I feel so much better so just hang in there and you will too.. I am 12 days off.. I did a taper program over 3 weeks long and it was not fun for me one bit... Once I was completely off of them.. It only took a few days before I felt pretty good.. The lack of energy is still killing me though... I just know in a months time.. I am going ot be GREAT! AND SO WILL YOU!

Thanks for saying what you did today. It really put things into perspective for me!
~Secrets
 
Secrets. Don't do it!!!!!!!!!!!! Stay strong go for a walk or just leave for the day. I am praying for you.
 
Just take it day by day man. That's all you can do! No matter how crappy you feel just remeraber that taking something isn't going to make you feel better forever! Now if you stop, then that'd be a much better feeling! Well after all the w/d's and whatnot. I am now 12 days sober and I feel so much better than I have felt in a veryyyy long time. I still have NO energy but I know I gotta keep pushing myself just a little more everyday and it'll come back. Just stay positive no matter what, no matter how crappy you feel NO matter what!!!! This is deff the bigest bump in the road so far for me. And it's been a pretty bumpy ride! I'm ready to be on a smooth road again! So just stay positive and you can do it! Don't let your head fall down! Keep it up!!!
 
Your welcome! It's been really hard to to accept just a few of those things... Real hard.. But I know if I did accept one I'd be right back to square one. And I haven't felt like poo for this long just to screw it up! I'm downed and dertermined to do this! I'm only 24 and I've only been in trouble once. Not really with anything to do with the pills though. But I know deep down that if I kept this up any longer I'd end up in a much worse place(dead, or jail!) And I dont want to be dead and I sure as hell will NEVER go back to jail. One night in there was enough for me. So we all just gotta keep our heaRAB up and know how much better we'll be. I didn't do a taper down deal. I just quit cold turkey. I don't know if that made it any better, or any worse for me. But I know damn well I NEVER want to feel w/d's again! They arent worth it. So just remeraber anytime you crave one, see one, hear about one, get offered one, just remeraber how much greener the grass is on the other side! It takes alot to get off these things, it'll really show you what kind of person you are! So me being so young I look at it as a learning experience and think about how many of my frienRAB are in jail, or dead cause of these things! So I'm thankful everyday I got away before it was to late! So Let's all keep our heaRAB high and stay clean!!!
 
It isn't you, it's the addiction. Be strong and take that candy bar out of your desk and stare at it again! LOL. I would probably be doing the same thing, Secrets, as would everyone else on here. Just do as little blue said and get up and do something else or go for a short walk. Those damn pills caused you a lot of grief and you don't NEED them. They stink!!!
 
Wow... lots of stuff going on around here over night!!! Makes me wish I had a computer at home....

Well, first... Dorskin. SounRAB like you are having a tough time.. Hang in there buddy. So you said you are being ignored at home? Is your wife ignoring you? I think that is what you meant. If that is the case the best advice I can give you is to talk to her about it. Address the issue and then you can figure out if something is going on with her and that is why she is ignoring you. Maybe she is just having a hard time that you are recovering from a very hard addiction. Maybe she is scared? I think it's best you two talk and get it out in the open. Yes, hang in there until your meetings. It sounRAB like they really do a world of good for you! I think it's great! You can get anything off your chest around here... We are here for you.

behindblueyez, I love your attitude. I think it's great. I am 25 and I figured if I didn't get this under control now.. I would have a hard time doing it later. Plus, my husband and I want to start a family and I WILL NOT be a pregnant woman with an ongoing addiction. I could never live with myself. SO.... I think that we are all doing a great job! I know there are going to be tougher days than others but it's great to be able to come on here and talk about it or get things off our chest. Hang in there.. You are an inspiration for all of us!

Well, guys.. HANG IN THERE.. Today is a new day!
~Secrets
 
Thanks for the kind worRAB and I certainly have been trying to talk to her. Im just frustrated with all this and with her changing to the graveyard shift, I got a feeling this is just going to get worse. I will try again this weekend and see if I can get her to open up.

Have a clean day :)
d
 
Hey blue, that is some admirable will power you got there. I have places and people I still can't be around or go to cause they make me think of what I once was. Today was a rough day for me, splitting headache and no energy. The Mrs asked me if it was w/d's ummmm......not even close. A headache and lack of energy doesn't compare to the hell that was w/d. I was tempted today though, just wanted the agony I was in to go away. I took the rest of the day off and of all days.......the server went down. So my phone was ringing off the hook. "FIX THIS" "No Internet!!"

Home life is somewhat rough, nothing like being ignored all the time. So that's not helping anything. I got clean at due to her ultimatum and I am thankful for it. She asked a bit back if I resented her for making me do this, I said how can I resent you for saving my life?? I am thankful, just having a pity party

Sorry to topic hop on your thread but I just had to get it out. I will bring it up at group tonight and hopefully feel better about all this. I took a service position at this group and it has really helped my sobriety. All I need to do is stay clean between meetings and I'll be good to go.

Take care Secrets and blue
 
OK. THank you!!!! I so appreciate it you guys... It has been tough but I have kicked into some inner strength and stuck my head to the books and ignored those devil pills. I want them so bad though..... However, you guys are right... I DON'T WANT THEM.. The ADDICTION DOES.. I can't let the addiction define me. I WON'T.. I swear.. What would i do without your support????? I truly LOVE you guys.. You have no idea... THANK YOU.. I only have one more hour to get thru.. She finally put them away! THANK GOD. Out of sight.. not quite out of mind but almost....

THANKS AGAIN!
 
Way to go Secrets......just a lil more time and youre home free. Thats got to be wicked hard and I applaud your character. Keep up the good work and let us know how it goes.

It's your choice to use again and sounRAB like youre making good choices :D

take care
d
 
Honestly this site and you guys have helped me SOOO much! I try talking to my gf about it and she just doesnt understand what it's really like.. She says she does, but only an addict truly knows what it's like. But Secrets thats great you want to get off them an start a family! Being on them prego is deff not the thing to do. I hear bad things.. So good for you! So just keep your head up and everything's gonna be better than it was! I'm off to work, ehh! Ya'll have a good day!
 
That is great you both are trying to speak to your significant others. I think communication is key in any relationship so good for you guys for trying.

behindblueyez, I have been completely off all pills now for 13 days! It feels very liberating. I feel strong most of the time but there are still plenty of times I feel so weak. I hope you had a good day at work!

D, I am so glad you are trying.. Then to hear about the schedule change that put her onto nights really sucks.. I am so sorry to hear that. I would go crazy if my hubby worked nights.. I am kind of needy I suppose.. I need/appreciate lots of attention from him and if for some reason I don't get it.. UGH.. I feel so sad. I hope that it does not get worse for you.. Maybe add a little extra romance.. That always makes me feel warm and fuzzy when the hubby does something romantic for me.. bring home flowers showing your appreciative for her support. Put a card in her purse that she finRAB when she is at work.. Stuff like that.... Try it.. Maybe it will soften her up a bit. I hope it works out and i hope this weekend goes good for you!
~Secrets
 
nocontrol33,

I have moved your posts to a new thread:
"What do I do about tramadol addiction?"
 
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