i wrote this poem and asked what it was like. the original is below
i have used the feed bac to redo it and please tell me if the revised poem is better and what your thoughts are on it. even haters answers would help.
so my question is: how can i make my poem better?
i knew you weren't faithful
i knew we would someday be done
i thought i could handle that
until you said i was the one
you hurt me so much
because we were so perfect together
you told me it was true love
you said forever
then you broke me
i found out about her
i even asked that girl
just to make sure
it hurt
cuz she knew you were mine
she took you from me
but i forgave you in time
now we are together
i know what you do
i know of the others
what about the i love you's?
this will happen again
and i wont come back
i'll be gone forever
its the simple fact
i thought you were mine
i'm not supposed to share you
destroy me 1 more time
i dare you
_________________________________________________________
the revised poem
I knew you weren't faithful to any of those girls,
I knew we would someday be done.
I thought i could handle that kind of person,
Until you said i was the only one..
You killed me inside!
Because we were so perfect together.
You told me it was "true love baby".
You said forever.
Then you broke me into little puzzle peices,
When I found out about her.
I even asked that bitch,
I had to be sure.
It ripped my heart in peices,
Because she knew you were mine!
She took you away from me,
But i forgave you in time.
Because i loved you,
I decided that would always be enough.
This grudge was useless,
I couldn't fall out of Love.
Now we are together.
You think i dont know what you do?
I know of the others.
What of the "I Love You's"?
This will happen again,
And i will not come back!
I'll be gone forever.
Its the simple fact.
I thought you were mine,
I'm not supposed to share you...
Destroy me one more time,
I dare you!
okay, so which is better, and what should i do?
i have used the feed bac to redo it and please tell me if the revised poem is better and what your thoughts are on it. even haters answers would help.
so my question is: how can i make my poem better?
i knew you weren't faithful
i knew we would someday be done
i thought i could handle that
until you said i was the one
you hurt me so much
because we were so perfect together
you told me it was true love
you said forever
then you broke me
i found out about her
i even asked that girl
just to make sure
it hurt
cuz she knew you were mine
she took you from me
but i forgave you in time
now we are together
i know what you do
i know of the others
what about the i love you's?
this will happen again
and i wont come back
i'll be gone forever
its the simple fact
i thought you were mine
i'm not supposed to share you
destroy me 1 more time
i dare you
_________________________________________________________
the revised poem
I knew you weren't faithful to any of those girls,
I knew we would someday be done.
I thought i could handle that kind of person,
Until you said i was the only one..
You killed me inside!
Because we were so perfect together.
You told me it was "true love baby".
You said forever.
Then you broke me into little puzzle peices,
When I found out about her.
I even asked that bitch,
I had to be sure.
It ripped my heart in peices,
Because she knew you were mine!
She took you away from me,
But i forgave you in time.
Because i loved you,
I decided that would always be enough.
This grudge was useless,
I couldn't fall out of Love.
Now we are together.
You think i dont know what you do?
I know of the others.
What of the "I Love You's"?
This will happen again,
And i will not come back!
I'll be gone forever.
Its the simple fact.
I thought you were mine,
I'm not supposed to share you...
Destroy me one more time,
I dare you!
okay, so which is better, and what should i do?